Teaching Resilience to Our Youth

Last week, I was asked to speak to the Lake Forest/Lake Bluff parent community on Resilience - How to Nurture and Develop Your Child's Inner Self. They planned a series of discussions on "The Middle School Years: A Parent's Guide", offered through a wonderful community organization, LEAD, a United Way agency whose mission is to support parents and other adults shaping the future of our youth and is dedicated to promoting healthy family relationships and preventing alcohol, tobacco, drug use, and other risky behavior by youth.

My goal for the evening was for parents to walk away with a better sense of what they can do to enhance the self-motivation and responsibility in their children. Teaching children how to manage their disappointments and failures will lead to resilience and empowerment. Allowing children to develop resilience, to own their actions, grades, and life choices, is one of the hardest tasks of parenting. The seminar provided parents some tools to improve communication with their children and receive practical strategies to help them learn to find motivation internally rather than seek external rewards and gratification.

I am excited to be offering this seminar again on March 14th at Temple Chai's Wellness Day 2010, sponsored by the Chai Center for Enrichment & Renewal, Temple Chai Sisterhood, and the Levinson Scholar-In-Residence Fund. Anyone with school-age children will find this program invaluable. To register for this program or get information about the many other programs and events offered that day, visit the Temple Chai (Long Grove) website and follow the link to the Chai Center to download the registration packet.

In the meantime, I assigned homework to the group last week, and thought I would share it with you. Please spend some time in the coming weeks to incorporate one of the following ideas into your daily lives. Let me know on this blog which one you are doing, and what impact it has on your family's life. Remember that as families make changes, the first response might be resistance. Stick with it, stay positive, and see if, after four or five weeks, you notice the positive effects of your efforts.

1. Journaling or Emailing

If you choose to journal, purchase a small notebook for each of your children. Explain the purpose of the journal - just a way to share private thoughts between you and your child. Tell him you will leave the journal in a specific place in his room when you have written in it, and he can leave it on your pillow or by your nightstand if he wants you to read it.

If you choose to email, let your child know that you want to use email to share private thoughts between you both. Let her know she can respond via email or initiate conversation.

Be sure YOU don't OVERDO it. Only write to your child once or twice a week at most.

However, always respond respectfully and promptly to THEIR emails or journals to you.

Keep your thoughts positive and sincere. Don't fake it!

2. Spending one on one time together - what would your child like to do?

Find time once a week to spend together doing something child-focused

Grocery shopping or folding laundry does not count!

This activity does not and should not cost a lot of money. You don’t have to buy your child’s time or attention!

3. Family Meals

Plan on spending at least one night a week eating together as a family.

Make sure everyone can attend ahead of time – don’t wait to the last minute to tell the family, and then feel disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

Plan the menu together or make sure that there are items at the table that each person will enjoy.

4. Family Nights

At least twice during the month, up to once a week, spend the evening together.

Decide together how to select activities. It can be by submitting ideas into a hat and selecting the winning choice or rotating amongst family members. Everyone needs to agree to participate in each other’s activities, and parameters on what can be selected can be talked about ahead of time. (i.e. – activity that lasts 1-2 hours, in the house, no cost, etc.)

Enjoy finding time to smile with your child today. And remember, sometimes we see the rewards of good parenting many years later.

Getting a Healthy Perspective on Kids and Sports

Now that school has begun and Labor Day has passed, parents are full swing into fall sports with their children. This is a great time to put sports into proper perspective. For the sake of this blog, I am writing about kids and team sports. I am also categorizing the different levels of sports involvement for children in the following manner: new learner, casual player and competitive level.

New Learner: Many children begin their team sport involvement around age 4 or 5 when community park district leagues are introduced to this age group. Assume all children devote 100% of their growing energy to the different areas of child development: fine motor, gross motor, verbal and social-emotional. Children who appear very athletic at age 5 look different on the sports field than the child who is an avid reader at this age. Likewise, a very social child might not be a very fast runner. Each child has uniquely spent their 100% of growing energy, and at this age, skills vary greatly. Where a child is at age five is also not always a predictor of athletic success, as development takes different turns as each child continues on his or her unique growth path.

So sports at this age should be focused on skill building, friendship making, and teamwork. A good coach will not put his best players in for more minutes, or identify MVP based on athletic agility. Coaching at this age should work to teach children understanding of the game, sharing successes, learning from mistakes, demonstrating good sportsmanship and respect of the referees, umpires, coaches, parents, and other children playing the game. A parent’s focus should be the same. Don’t go over the shot the child missed, or talk about the child who stood watching the planes fly overhead. Talk about how much fun you had watching your child play, how well they worked as a team, and what fun it was seeing the two teams high five at the end. Do not let a child quit mid-season, unless there is something very negative influencing the decision. A child who is not the best on the team is not a good reason. Each child on a team is an important rung on a ladder to a successful season, and getting to the top of that ladder of success is measured by fun, camaraderie, and learning. Teach your child the value of not quitting.

In addition, children with special needs should be especially considered at this time. Many children have not yet been diagnosed, but parents have begun to notice quirks or unique traits. As these children enter team sports, they may have difficulties attending, socializing, or understanding the complexity of the rules. Patience and acceptance by their coaches, teammates, and other parents helps a child who might participate a little differently into feeling like a valued member of the team.

Casual player: Casual players are kids who enjoy being on a team, playing the game, having fun with fellow teammates, and learning the rules. They’re not focused on who wins or loses most of the time. They are out there to participate. Some casual players might even be forced to participate by parents who want their child to experience team sports, but they themselves aren’t that ‘into’ it. Parents need to remain encouraging, positive, and keep the perspective of the goal of involvement – continued development, teamwork, sportsmanship, and respect. Yelling across the field at your child or someone else’s to hustle or screaming at a ‘bad call’ by an umpire negates the positive learning atmosphere. Sitting in your car after the game, dissecting all the poor performance areas of your child doesn’t motivate him to run out there next week and play hard. Let the coach do the coaching around the game, and coaches – be encouraging, even to your own child. If you’re the coach, do you call each player and analyze the game with each child? I doubt it. Instead, talk about the positive moments of the TEAM. Spend time practicing at home to enjoy this quality time with your child while helping develop skills in a fun, casual way.

Competitive level: Some children do have skills that excel, many times in more than one sport. These children should be able to begin competing with other children at a similar ability and interest level. However, the same message applies – to keep a child invested in her development of sports skills, encouragement and support are the ticket. Yelling at missed efforts, criticizing your child, coaches, refs, or others does not help maintain interest, passion, or effort. If you continue to negatively reinforce his performance, at some point, whether now or shortly in the future, your child will burn out, tired of the negative impact of your pressure. Remember to allow the child to explore other interests as well. The child who spends 4 hours a day, 6 days a week practicing for one sport might one day come to you because his friends are all on a volleyball team and he wants to join them. You have to help the child weigh passion and skill with well-rounded development and desires. It’s not easy to make the decisions, but talking it out, helping the child understand the implications of each choice, and allowing him to ultimately make that decision, for good or bad, is an important learning moment. We all have regrets of ‘what could have been’ and your child may have them too. But we learn a lot from these moments.

The most important message here is to teach your child to love sports – playing, watching, coaching – the whole package. I have spent many years coaching children in softball, and my best memories are the ones where the kids bonded as a group. We started out each season with a pizza party to help the kids get to know each other. We had three to four lunches, dinners, or get-togethers during the season. Parents were encouraged to help coaches at practice, allowing them to spend time around us as we demonstrated learning in a fun atmosphere. Early in the season, each practice started out with name games and we taught softball terms in fun, teambuilding ways. We did not win every game. I can’t even tell you our records, or the records of any individual players. I do remember the moment the child who was so timid to swing a bat got her first hit. I do remember the cheers of support from her teammates when a child with special needs made her first put out at second base. I even remember calling a time out so the girl in right field with her mitt between her legs could finish putting her hair in a better ponytail before the next pitch. I also know that some of my players went on to play competitively in high school, and some went on to play at the intramural level. And some just throw around the ball during the summer, hopefully smiling as they remember our fun season. My hope is that all kids that participate in team sports can feel good about being a part of a team - win or lose, total athlete or ponytail fixer.

Spoofing - Know the Term - Stay One Step Ahead of Your Teen

When you are dealing with teenagers, sometimes we have to stay ahead of their game. I learned of something that is worth sharing on this blog. Typically, I have advised parents that if their teens are sleeping at a friend’s house, you should make sure that when they arrive, they should call you from the friend’s landline, so you can be sure your child is at that home. However, by spoofing a Caller ID, they can deceive you into believing they are one place, when they are actually in another. There are applications that can be downloaded to cell phones (especially ones with internet connection) that allow the teens to “spoof” the caller ID so that the number that shows up on your phone when they call in is any number they select.

In other words, teens can have a phone app that, when active, allows them to call you from their cell phone, yet it looks like they are actually using a home’s landline.

So, to stay one step ahead of our teens, parents need to unite and support each other. If your teen is going to spend time at a friend’s house or have a sleepover, and you have questions about the plans, call the parents. Confirm the plans. And have the parents call you when your child arrives there for the night. You need to be extra vigilant when teens want an impromptu sleepover while they are already out during the evening. Last minute plans are most often associated with peer pressure, impulsive acts, or risk-taking behavior.

Many of you reading might feel, “Not my child, she doesn’t have the techno-savvy ability to do something like that,” or “I know I can trust my child, he hangs with other teens that I know are making good choices.” If you fall into this category, remember, it takes only one teenage mistake to spiral into a lifetime of misery. They meet new friends online, at pools, at their jobs, through other friends. Their friendship circles grow so quickly, and teens with the best intentions still act impulsively and get sucked into peer-pressured activities from time to time.

Other parents feel that their teen will not feel “trusted” if we go behind their backs and involve other parents, or worry that adults will think that we are being overprotective if when we contact another parent. We are so worried about how we will look, a sort of peer pressure for ourselves, that we sometimes override our good judgment, common sense, or instincts. Remember to trust the little voice inside you. If something doesn’t seem to add up, trust that instinct. Do what you need to do to make sure your teen is acting within your family’s boundaries. Trust is something that is developed over time – it is earned when repeated checks result in observation of appropriate behavior, and trust is maintained when less frequent checks continue to result in observation of appropriate behavior. Trust isn’t something we should blindly hand out – especially during the crucial teenage years, when impulsivity can strike at any time!

How to Parent from Afar

Many of you have just gotten back from taking your child(ren) to college. I, too, am in that group. Nikki & Jamie, my identical twins, are starting their sophomore year at University of Illinois. While this year was MUCH easier than last, I still have the 3 W’s - wonder about how they are managing, worry about their safety, and wish for their happiness and success. So I thought this blog entry would focus on parents’ roles while children are away from home.

When children are little, parents really are problem solvers. Kids come to us with a problem, and we help them with the best solution. If their Barbie doll needs a clothing change and their little fingers can’t manage it, we take the Barbie, change the clothes, and just like that, we’re the heroes. As they enter school, we arrange their play-dates, talk to the teacher about how they learn best, and help negotiate the learning process, both with academics and friends. By middle school, our role needs to shift; we can no longer just provide a fix for their problems. At this point, we need to shift our assistance to help them gain independence in problem-solving techniques. We can empathize with their feelings, help them brainstorm solutions, and watch as they put their solution in place, hoping that all will work out well. If it doesn’t, we’re right there help them cope with the disappointment and to start the process over again. In high school, some parents don’t even hear about their kids’ problems! When we do, the best course of action is to be a great listener. Any advice we offer at this stage is usually ignored or rebuffed, and instead of the heroes we once were, now we are reduced to “oh, mom, you just don’t get it!” It’s not that we have changed, but when a teenager, who is trying to develop independence skills, is told a possibly obvious solution, the teen feels inadequate and lashes out at the ones who can take it the most – parents.

So, we have supported, advised and listened and now our little baby has grown up and is ready to take his or her first steps in that next stage of life. What do we do now?

The most common question I hear is, “How often should we be in touch?” Back in the “olden” days, when I was at college, there was no immediate access as there is today. We usually “signaled” our family on Sunday at 10 a.m. You know, call the house, let it ring once, and hang up. That way, the long distance call was on our parents’ dime! They would call back, and each parent would take turns speaking to us – usually with us repeating the same stories over and over. If a sibling was at home, we might have to do it again! With the innovative technology of today, free calling and texting on cell phones, 24/7 access, Internet capability, video chatting, all raise the question of how much is too much?

Sometimes, you will get calls that send worry-chills down your spine: roommate issues, class snafus, alcohol-related incidents, accidents or illnesses. There is a part of every parent that wants to get in a car or on a plane, rush to the aid of your child, and make it better. But we know that those skills we have been developing through the years – listening, offering advice if we are asked, and knowing that even poorly managed or unresolved issues all provide a learning ground for our developing adults. We want everything to go perfectly, but in reality, it’s how they manage through the tough times and learn how to deal with disappointments that really pave the way to adulthood. Give them the strength to manage on their own. Tell them that if it something is important to them, it is worth the struggle to get their needs or wants met. With those tools, success is just around the corner - for both your young adult and you as a college parent!

Making Family Vacations Memorable

During summer, many families take time off from their weekly routines to enjoy some time away. Whether it’s a trip to the Wisconsin Dells, camping under the stars, or sightseeing across our beautiful country, family vacation time is upon us. Having traveled to every state with my family during the past eight years, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on planning memorable vacations. Notice I didn’t say perfect – in fact, some of our best memories are when things went wrong. Having the right attitude and great planning are the keys to vacation fun!

1. Plan the vacation with YOUR children in mind. Think about the ages and developmental levels of your children when planning a vacation. While some four-year-olds can keep themselves busy in a car for long periods of time, most need frequent breaks, lots of activities, snacks, and patience! Plan trips from your children’s point of view. Kids don’t have an awareness of what they are “missing” on a trip, they only know what they are experiencing. As you think about running from sun-up to sun-down through the streets of Disneyworld, and you picture yourself yelling at the kids to stop crying and keep up, STOP! Take a break and rethink your plan! Getting to only 7 rides, but savoring and enjoying each one AND the sights in-between, will have a must more lasting, positive memory than hurriedly and crazily rushing through all 16, barely taking time to appreciate any one before you shuttle along to the next!

2. Be creative in the car. There’s a great game on the market called “Are we there yet?” It’s a deck of cards with things to look for on a road trip. Both the front and back of the cards have things like: a car with a flat tire, two birds flying together, a broken fence, or a tractor. Each time your child spots one of the objects, they earn a new card. Instead of playing child against child, have them be a team – during the next 30 minutes, if they are able to find 10 items on the cards between them, they win! To save money, you can make up your own deck of cards. Prizes can be little token things you pick up before starting your trip, a small souvenir from your next destination, or something special that you can do together as a family when you get to your next hotel. Be creative in planning those long rides, and anticipate the time for frequent breaks as part of your travel plans.

3. For the plane ride, pack a bag of tricks. It’s essential to pack small snacks, as you never know if you will be stuck on a runway or circling a city longer than planned. Suckers are great during take-offs and landings as the swallowing process helps keep little ears from popping. If your child has a real problem with his ears, someone once told me that if you heat some wet paper towels (use the bathroom sink if it has hot water or ask the flight attendant to heat them in a microwave on board) and put the paper towels in the bottoms of small cups, then place the cups over the child’s ears. The ears will not feel the pressure of landing. A Portable DVD player is a great entertainment tool on an airplane. Make sure you charge the battery. You can also go online to www.seatguru.com to see if your airline's plane has an outlet near your seat. Check with the site to make sure you have the right adapter as well!

4. Be creative in your preparations for the kids! Once I decided to make a felt board for my kids when they were very young and we had a long journey planned. I wanted to give them something unique to play with, but didn’t have a lot of money to buy the professionally made ones. While it was a lot of work, it was a godsend! I bought felt from the local art supply store. If you can find the kind with one side that has sticky-tape on it, it works best. Otherwise, you need to have white glue as well. Each child had different colored felt backing, based on her favorite color at the time. I also purchased several rolls of clear shelf liner. I put the felt on two pieces of cardboard, and then taped the boards together so it could fold in half for storage. I then cut out their favorite Disney characters from magazines, wrapping paper, ANYTHING that I could get my hands on. I laid out all the pieces onto the shelf liner to “laminate” them. I attached felt on the back of the design, and stored everything in baggies. You can also substitute magnetic backing and a magnet board in place of the felt. It was labor-intensive, but they played for hours! Having their own colored backing helped in sorting when they shared their characters too.

5. Plan ahead, but be flexible. Some travelers are planners, like myself, and have every detail of the trip covered. I have the most organized packing lists and travel itineraries. Yet something is always forgotten, or the best plans go haywire. Teach your children flexibility, keep your sense of humor, and roll with the punches to fill each trip with positive memories. Some of our crazier moments include driving over a shop vac in the highway at 75 m.p.h., weather related flight cancellations, and having a child step in a fire ant hill on the side of the road while taking a picture of the “Welcome to Louisiana” sign. How we handled those moments kept us laughing together and defined us as a family. When you go into a trip knowing it won’t be perfect, there will be tired kids (and grown-ups), and weather or travel arrangements don’t always go according to “the plan”, you are prepared for whatever comes your way.

I will end with one of my favorite stories from a trip to Mt. Rushmore.

As we were making the long drive west, we had a scheduled stop at the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota. Across the street was a doll museum (not on our itinerary). We decided to check out the doll museum, and in it, my husband spotted his long lost Jolly Green Giant stuffed toy. He described his love for this toy, and how it went missing many years earlier on one of his family vacations. The girls were both amazed and humored at hearing this grown man’s story about a lost stuffed toy. On the return trip, we had another scheduled overnight stop in Blue Earth, Minnesota. When we pulled into our hotel parking lot, my husband quietly pointed out to me, through the glass of the swimming pool enclosure, a GIANT, 20-foot statue of the jolly green giant. I secretly showed the kids, through the windows, that the Green Giant was waiting for us! The kids and I blindfolded my husband, who at this point was playing dumb, and I drove him to the statue. The kids ripped off the blindfold, and my husband shrieked with delight while the kids giggled with laughter and excitement. That unplanned surprise was one of our best moments as a family.

Have fun making your own positive vacation memories!

Setting Limits and Following Through - or - Don't Be a Slot Machine!

Setting limits and following through can sometimes make you feel like you are a slot machine in Vegas. With enough pressure and persistence, you ‘pay off’ by giving in. Let me give you a few tips on when to say no, and how to help your child know you mean it.

I am going to start by helping you know when to let your child make choices and when to stand your ground. Picture 3 boxes in front of you. Box 1 items are the things that you don’t negotiate on. They are important values, rules, and parent guides that are reliably consistent. Box 1 items are things like, “you never get into a car with a stranger”, “you wear a helmet when riding a bike”, or “you sit in the back of the car with a seatbelt on”. Parents need to be very consistent with these, and kids learn quickly not to ask about changing these rules.

Box 3 items are things that your child chooses. Box 3 examples are: “apple juice or water”, “take a shower or bath”, and even picking out clothes for school (although as they get older, the school sets some ground rules for kids who like to test this box’ limit!) It’s important to let a child feel she can make choices. And don't worry - people will recognize the child who goes to school wearing plaid and polka-dots dressed herself. That child's self esteem soars when people comment, "Did you pick out that outfit today? It's rockin!" And the child learns to either modify his choices or stand up for his individuality when his peers ask, "Why are you wearing that sweater with those pants?" When kids are younger, limit the choices, as I did above with the apple juice or water example, so they don't get overwhelmed and then are unable to choose. This is also the place where kids can make a choice, and if it doesn’t go well, they learn from their mistakes. A good example of this is if you give a child $5 to buy something, but he chooses to spend it on something you think is a waste of money. Once you have established that he has $5 to spend, don’t control how it gets spent, unless that was the arrangement before you gave him the money. If you said, “When he goes to a store, and you tell him that he can use this money for a snack, but not for toys,” and he comes home with a glow-in-the-dark yoyo, you need to take the toy and donate it, throw it away, or keep it for your child until the time you determine he can have that gift. Don’t let him keep the toy. But if you don’t attach any rules to the money, you can give advice, but it is important to let the child make his own choice. If he spends it on a toy that breaks or doesn’t get used, that is the child’s lesson to learn! Let them make choices!

That leaves Box 2. These are the things that are negotiable. However, negotiable doesn’t mean, “argue until the parent gives in”. It means that both parties can express their reasoning, and then a decision is made, usually by the parent.

An example of this is bedtime. Parents usually discuss actual bed times when a child is around four years old and she begins to understand time. That bedtime is fixed (Box 1) for a while. At some point, the child wants a later bedtime, and the issue moves to Box 2. The child explains her reasoning (“I’m older than my brother, I should be able to stay up later” or “I am not sleepy when I get into bed and don’t fall asleep for awhile.”) You might reason that she doesn’t get up in a happy mood, is hard to wake up, or gets out of bed ten times before going to sleep. You can then negotiate that you will allow a bedtime 15 minutes later, provided that: she stay in bed once she is tucked in and that she wakes up reasonably in the morning. The logical consequence of not managing these is the bedtime goes back to the original time for two days, and then the child can try the later time again. Giving them a chance in a reasonable amount of time to show they learned the rule is important for all children! But here is the key point - once you come to an agreement, you need to follow through! Make sure the child gets the later bedtime. And make sure that if she gets out of bed or doesn’t wake up when asked on the first violation, you revert to the old bedtime for two days! Do not “give another chance! Once you do that, it’s like feeding the slot machine! They put the quarter (“please give me another chance”) in the slot machine (you) and if the machine pays out (“ok, I’ll give you another chance”), the child learns to play the machine (push the limit once a limit is set!)

The most important point of this discussion is that once you are consistent with your responses, children learn to respect your limits. Allow for choices, stand firm on non-negotiable items, and establish a limit and follow through on the privilege or consequence consistently. I will write more on this important topic in future weeks, but in the meantime, if you have any questions about limits, need to know what Box an item goes into, or what to do if your child doesn’t respect the rule, please post them here and I can answer to the whole group. Remember that if you are questioning it, so are many others! There are no silly questions! Parents who ask for guidance when they need it are making the smart choice! Have a great week!