Last week, I was asked to speak to the Lake Forest/Lake Bluff parent community on Resilience - How to Nurture and Develop Your Child's Inner Self. They planned a series of discussions on "The Middle School Years: A Parent's Guide", offered through a wonderful community organization, LEAD, a United Way agency whose mission is to support parents and other adults shaping the future of our youth and is dedicated to promoting healthy family relationships and preventing alcohol, tobacco, drug use, and other risky behavior by youth.
My goal for the evening was for parents to walk away with a better sense of what they can do to enhance the self-motivation and responsibility in their children. Teaching children how to manage their disappointments and failures will lead to resilience and empowerment. Allowing children to develop resilience, to own their actions, grades, and life choices, is one of the hardest tasks of parenting. The seminar provided parents some tools to improve communication with their children and receive practical strategies to help them learn to find motivation internally rather than seek external rewards and gratification.
I am excited to be offering this seminar again on March 14th at Temple Chai's Wellness Day 2010, sponsored by the Chai Center for Enrichment & Renewal, Temple Chai Sisterhood, and the Levinson Scholar-In-Residence Fund. Anyone with school-age children will find this program invaluable. To register for this program or get information about the many other programs and events offered that day, visit the Temple Chai (Long Grove) website and follow the link to the Chai Center to download the registration packet.
In the meantime, I assigned homework to the group last week, and thought I would share it with you. Please spend some time in the coming weeks to incorporate one of the following ideas into your daily lives. Let me know on this blog which one you are doing, and what impact it has on your family's life. Remember that as families make changes, the first response might be resistance. Stick with it, stay positive, and see if, after four or five weeks, you notice the positive effects of your efforts.
1. Journaling or Emailing
If you choose to journal, purchase a small notebook for each of your children. Explain the purpose of the journal - just a way to share private thoughts between you and your child. Tell him you will leave the journal in a specific place in his room when you have written in it, and he can leave it on your pillow or by your nightstand if he wants you to read it.
If you choose to email, let your child know that you want to use email to share private thoughts between you both. Let her know she can respond via email or initiate conversation.
Be sure YOU don't OVERDO it. Only write to your child once or twice a week at most.
However, always respond respectfully and promptly to THEIR emails or journals to you.
Keep your thoughts positive and sincere. Don't fake it!
2. Spending one on one time together - what would your child like to do?
Find time once a week to spend together doing something child-focused
This activity does not and should not cost a lot of money. You don’t have to buy your child’s time or attention!
3. Family Meals
Plan on spending at least one night a week eating together as a family.
Plan the menu together or make sure that there are items at the table that each person will enjoy.
4. Family Nights
At least twice during the month, up to once a week, spend the evening together.
Decide together how to select activities. It can be by submitting ideas into a hat and selecting the winning choice or rotating amongst family members. Everyone needs to agree to participate in each other’s activities, and parameters on what can be selected can be talked about ahead of time. (i.e. – activity that lasts 1-2 hours, in the house, no cost, etc.)
Enjoy finding time to smile with your child today. And remember, sometimes we see the rewards of good parenting many years later.
A question was raised, "What if I've tried these, but things are just getting worse?" There are several things to think about in this instance. First, is there something going on for your family that your children are picking up on and reacting to? Sometimes, marital stress, extended family issues, or job stresses, to name a few, can result in children's withdrawal, misbehavior, or stress. Another issue might be related to your child. Is he struggling with school? Are there peer issues? Is a transition (to junior high, high school, or college) approaching? All might cause your child to play out feelings at home, where he or she feels safest.
ReplyDeleteIf you cannot pinpoint the stressor, or are struggling to get a handle on family harmony, don't feel like you have to go through it alone. You can talk to your child's school social worker (are similar issues occurring at school also), a private social worker, or the medical professionals in your life. All can offer guidance and support to help you get through this difficult time in your child's, and therefore, your life.