Children with Social Reasoning Difficulties

I have always been a fan of Amelia Bedelia. She’s a character in a children’s book, and she takes life very literally. My favorite scene in one of her books occurred when she was playing baseball. She was on third base, and the next batter hit the ball. Her teammates told her to run home, so Amelia Bedelia ran to her house. Little did I know back when I was first reading about Amelia’s escapades that many of the children I work with live life much like Amelia’s character.

Children with social reasoning difficulties often communicate very literally. Hidden meanings, inferences, or sarcasm are quite confusing. In addition, they do not understand idioms. If you told a child with social reasoning difficulties that you had a green thumb, she might very well grab your hand to check it out. If the weatherman said it would be “raining cats and dogs,” this child might stare out the window all day waiting for the first animal to fall from the sky. Children with Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, Nonverbal Learning Disability, Seizure Disorder, and some with Attention Deficit Disorder struggle with understanding some of the social nuances that we come to understand as we mature.

How does this play out socially?

Children, or adults, for that matter, who see life in its most simple terms, very factually and literally, expect people to respond in a very predictable manner. The child with social reasoning difficulties often experiences anxiety, confusion, frustration, and feels annoyed when people don’t respond as expected.

Since thinking is so literal and concrete, statements feel like promises, and disappointment is often felt when those statements don’t happen. There are very few, if any, gray areas. If a parent tells a child that “we will try to get to the toy store,” but it turns out there isn’t enough time to go, the child feels let down because he heard it as a fact.

There is an inability to generalize information to other, similar situations. The child walks into many of his experiences without any preparation or understanding of what will happen, creating high anxiety. A child who learns to cope with life as a fourth grader is panicked at entry into fifth grade. He doesn’t use his prior knowledge to predict how his day will be.

When a situation has passed, talking about ‘what happened’ doesn’t really make sense because the experience has ended. While understanding how she dealt with an issue, what she can do differently next time, and how others reacted makes perfect sense to us, the child with social reasoning difficulties doesn’t make the connection between past and future experiences.

Some children want to have friendships, but don’t understand the social rules that go along with it. The child with social reasoning difficulties doesn’t have awareness of some of the basic friendship necessities, such as staying on topic, talking about mutual interests, taking turns, using eye contact, or attending to nonverbal cues.

How can we help teach social understanding?

The key to success is patience, understanding, and teaching. While typically developing children pick up on these lessons through life experiences, children with social learning difficulties don’t naturally attend to the very things that could guide them. So it is our job as parents, friends, teachers, social workers, and community members to assist. Here are some tools that each of us can use when we encounter a child who seems to fit the description.

Preview the experience. Carol Gray has coined the term 'social stories.' Basically, help the child prepare for what's coming through telling the social story of the situation. Going to a birthday party, getting ready for a new school year, going to a family gathering, or going on a trip all can be converted to a social story! While you can't predict every moment of a situation, you will relieve a great deal of anxiety by helping the child to understand what's going to occur. Here's an example if you're going to Grandma's for Thanksgiving:

Talk about who’s going to be there and who the child will probably sit near at the meal. Discuss the types of food to expect, and what to do if he doesn’t like some of the foods. Talk about what activities might be going on – football game on TV, kids playing games in the basement, or people helping clean dishes in the kitchen.

Compare and contrast. Helping a child to learn to generalize, or relate two different events, is crucial in reducing anxiety. Comparing and contrasting Thanksgiving at Grandma’s and Christmas at Aunt Lisa’s helps the child to make the connection between the holidays and get-togethers. Learning to identify commonalities helps the child to predict or anticipate his experiences.

Supervise and guide in the moment. Chronological age is not the predictor of social maturity. Children with social reasoning difficulties need direct guidance beyond the age typically expected. It is not unusual for a parent of a seventh grader with social difficulties who has a friend coming over to discuss activities that they can do, and then help negotiate transitions between those activities. As difficult as it might feel, remaining within earshot helps to guide the child in having a successful day with a friend.

Break down the abstract. It’s easier for us adults to explain things in a more literal fashion than to expect the child to understand the abstract or hidden messages. Here’s some examples of what we say, and how they’re heard:

"Wait a minute." This means, "I'm gonna count 60 seconds and then Mom will
answer me."

"Don't bother me now." Interpreted as, "I can bother her in 60 seconds."

"Can't you see that I'm busy?" The child might respond, "Yes, I see that you're busy, now answer my question."

It takes more time and thought for us to have to explain our intentions in a direct, concrete way, but it is so important in helping the child understand us. "I have to finish putting the steaks on the grill, and then I will help you with your homework" is much more concrete than "wait a minute." The child can visualize what will happen.

Cut out faces from magazines. Make cards from faces you cut out of magazines that depict different emotions and activities. Play games such as "What's the story?" or "What are they feeling?" with the cards. Teaching children to look at faces for social clues helps them begin to recognize feelings from facial expressions, and teaches them to tune into people's expressions for communication signals. Work to translate the face card recognition to real life by pointing out nonverbal expressions on people around you. An example of this might be, "Look at Daddy's smile - he is so happy to see you!"

If you know a child who resembles the description above, it is a good idea to read the book, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Marc Haddon. The author, a man who spent years working with autistic children, wrote this story from the perspective of a 15-year-old boy named Christopher, a child with autism. In it, Christopher negotiates the events of his life with the literal interpretation, peculiarities, and anxiety typical to children with social reasoning difficulties. Seeing his life as he feels it will open your eyes to the lives of these children. Understanding their view of the world is key to knowing how to guide and support them. These children represent one of my favorite groups of clients. Perhaps it is their innocent perspective on life, or maybe it’s their incredibly enduring spirits. Each one of them leaves an indelible mark on my heart because of their resilience, strength, and courage. While we have a lot to teach them about our fast-paced, sometimes cynical world, we can also learn a lot from them.

“Hey Mom, what’s for dinner?”

One of the most important things we can do with our children is share a meal together. If you’re like many families, finding time to prepare, let alone eat a meal together, amidst carpools for dance, soccer, Hebrew School, CCD, and violin practice is nearly impossible. Yet it is one of the most connecting times you can spend as a family. Take a look at what you can do to bring the family together for dinner at least 2-3 times each week. And let’s talk about what you can do to create harmony in your family during these times.

1) No cell phones, television, or other distractions. Treat this time as truly family-focused. Unless you, as a parent, are on call for your job, it is important for you to model the time as ‘family first’ by not answering your phone or allowing other things to distract you from this sacred time.

2) Don’t be a short order cook. When you plan your family meal, keep all members in mind. Make sure there is something on the table that each person will enjoy. This doesn’t mean you have to make 5 different entrees. Instead, make sure the vegetable, salad, or potato is something that even the pickiest eater will enjoy. Offer each member a taste bite of everything. This is really just a ‘pea-sized’ taste. Sometimes tasting a food over time will help develop a liking for it. But don’t force-feed the food. That creates more food issues with children than just exposing them to it and allowing them to experiment. I still don't eat green peppers or olives, and I think I'm doing ok!

3) Be creative. In our house, we once used a Sunday meal to taste different sauces. What the kids didn’t pay attention to was that they were actually eating chicken that they normally didn’t eat. But because we were tasting sauces, they attended to the teriyaki, BBQ, ketchup, honey-mustard, etc. that was on the table, and had a sheet of paper to rank each flavor. It was fun, and I learned that almost anything became edible if teriyaki sauce was used!

4) Serve your food family style, and let your little ones help themselves rather than put the food on their plates. All three of my kids were picky eaters. I was so frustrated when they were little because even spaghetti was on the list of ‘don’t like’. Spaghetti – who ever heard of a kid who didn’t eat spaghetti! One day, I was running late and didn’t have time to fully prepare the meal. So the noodles were in the strainer, the sauce in a bowl, and I just brought it all to the table. Each child was so excited to put the noodles and sauce on her plate and they all took second helpings. I never realized that having them scoop it out themselves made the difference in them ‘owning the meal’, and thus, eating the meal!

5) Once I realized that they liked to serve themselves, I also began to let the little chefs into the kitchen. Each child picked a Sunday, created the menu, went shopping for the food, and helped prepare it. Because a child was involved, there was more willingness by her sisters to try different foods. The chef was delighted to eat what she prepared, and typically had a menu choice that was kid-friendly. Our favorite was a sloppy joe recipe that combined some of the most unusual ingredients into a delicious tasting meal! The kids loved putting the odds and ends into the frying pan and were shocked at how it turned out so yummy. I’m including the recipe here for you to try. This comes from a District 102 cookbook, but the ingredients have been slightly modified. Thanks to Fran Horwitz for the recipe.

Sloppy Joes the Fun Way

1 ½ lbs. Ground beef or ground turkey
1 small bottle of ketchup
2 Tablespoons brown sugar
1 Tablespoon grape jelly
1 Tablespoon mustard
1 Tablespoon white vinegar
Onion powder, salt and pepper to taste

Brown beef or turkey in a frying pan and drain.

Add all other ingredients and simmer for 20-30 minutes.
Serve on buns.

6) Don’t force your children to eat just because it's dinnertime. Babies feel when their bodies are hungry, and signal their hunger with crying. As they get older, we put them on a schedule because it socially and logistically fits into our lifestyles. Having a family meal is more about spending time together as a family, talking, laughing, and sharing about each person’s day. Food happens to be a part of it. Kids who are given opportunities to taste different foods, but are given the ability to decide how much they want to eat actually develop healthier eating patterns than children who are given platefuls of food and made to consume what’s in front of them. Sometimes a child is truly not hungry at that moment. It is important to make sure they are not snacking from 2 p.m. until 6 p.m. without regard to their body hunger, because that is not listening to the hunger cue either. But a child who can get a snack when he feels hungry can also let you know when he is not hungry – and sometimes it coincides with dinnertime. Don’t make a big deal of it and most likely it will not become a behavioral or attention-getting issue.

7) Don’t make dessert the reward for finishing dinner. When you place such importance on dessert, you increase its inherent value to a child. Dessert is just a snack. Make sure you help your children attend to what kind of snack they feel like eating. Sometimes, that cool feeling of ice cream, rolling down the back of your throat, is the perfect thing. Other times, the crisp, crunchy bite into apple slices, juice dripping down to your chin, is what you desire. My favorite snack is cold, creamy vanilla yogurt, mixed with crunchy grape nuts and chewy raisins. Teach children to think about what they want to eat – this is the beginning of attuned eating - eating when you’re hungry, and eating what you’re hungry for. Sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s chewy, sometimes it’s hot, other times it’s cold.

Above all, make sure family dinners are a time to check in with each person. Make dinner last as long as you can, but not so long that the children are squirming and misbehaving, so that becomes your focus. Sometimes, ten quality minutes of sitting down, self-serving the food, and sharing a few thoughts together is all it takes to help your family feel more connected. Try it tonight!! Bon appetit!

How to Parent from Afar

Many of you have just gotten back from taking your child(ren) to college. I, too, am in that group. Nikki & Jamie, my identical twins, are starting their sophomore year at University of Illinois. While this year was MUCH easier than last, I still have the 3 W’s - wonder about how they are managing, worry about their safety, and wish for their happiness and success. So I thought this blog entry would focus on parents’ roles while children are away from home.

When children are little, parents really are problem solvers. Kids come to us with a problem, and we help them with the best solution. If their Barbie doll needs a clothing change and their little fingers can’t manage it, we take the Barbie, change the clothes, and just like that, we’re the heroes. As they enter school, we arrange their play-dates, talk to the teacher about how they learn best, and help negotiate the learning process, both with academics and friends. By middle school, our role needs to shift; we can no longer just provide a fix for their problems. At this point, we need to shift our assistance to help them gain independence in problem-solving techniques. We can empathize with their feelings, help them brainstorm solutions, and watch as they put their solution in place, hoping that all will work out well. If it doesn’t, we’re right there help them cope with the disappointment and to start the process over again. In high school, some parents don’t even hear about their kids’ problems! When we do, the best course of action is to be a great listener. Any advice we offer at this stage is usually ignored or rebuffed, and instead of the heroes we once were, now we are reduced to “oh, mom, you just don’t get it!” It’s not that we have changed, but when a teenager, who is trying to develop independence skills, is told a possibly obvious solution, the teen feels inadequate and lashes out at the ones who can take it the most – parents.

So, we have supported, advised and listened and now our little baby has grown up and is ready to take his or her first steps in that next stage of life. What do we do now?

The most common question I hear is, “How often should we be in touch?” Back in the “olden” days, when I was at college, there was no immediate access as there is today. We usually “signaled” our family on Sunday at 10 a.m. You know, call the house, let it ring once, and hang up. That way, the long distance call was on our parents’ dime! They would call back, and each parent would take turns speaking to us – usually with us repeating the same stories over and over. If a sibling was at home, we might have to do it again! With the innovative technology of today, free calling and texting on cell phones, 24/7 access, Internet capability, video chatting, all raise the question of how much is too much?

Sometimes, you will get calls that send worry-chills down your spine: roommate issues, class snafus, alcohol-related incidents, accidents or illnesses. There is a part of every parent that wants to get in a car or on a plane, rush to the aid of your child, and make it better. But we know that those skills we have been developing through the years – listening, offering advice if we are asked, and knowing that even poorly managed or unresolved issues all provide a learning ground for our developing adults. We want everything to go perfectly, but in reality, it’s how they manage through the tough times and learn how to deal with disappointments that really pave the way to adulthood. Give them the strength to manage on their own. Tell them that if it something is important to them, it is worth the struggle to get their needs or wants met. With those tools, success is just around the corner - for both your young adult and you as a college parent!

Getting Ready for School

As the summer comes to a close, parents are busy organizing school supplies, buying fall clothes, and comparing class lists and teacher selections. It is a hectic, nerve wracking time. We worry if this year will be successful for our child. Will he make friends? Will the teacher encourage learning and spark a true interest in my child? Will my child be the victim of a class bully? We want our children to be safe, love to learn, and grow in every regard. As I look back on each year in the lives of my own children, and the children who I see in therapy, I am reminded of my own angst when I sent my twins off to preschool for the very first time. I know that at the beginning of each school year, parents revisit the same worries, wishes, and hopes for our children. With that in mind, I wish for every child a year filled with successes that are measured by the size of her smile, the pride in his walk. I wish for each child the courage to try new things, the ability to manage failures with a focus on how to improve for 'next time', and with the hope that each day will start with love, laughter, and happiness.

I WAS A FIRST TIME PRESCHOOL PARENT

by Debbie Gross

August, 1992

I watched her go on the very first day
I waited for the tears
They came, but they were mine.

I wanted her to say, “I can’t go, don’t send me, Mommy.”
Instead she waved and said, “Bye, you can leave.”

My wings of protection
Were they large enough, long enough
To reach her from afar?

Did I teach her all the things she needs to know
To manage on her own?
Will she ask to go to the bathroom?
What if her shoe gets untied?

Will that stranger who led her away become her friend?
Will she tie her shoes?
Give her a hug if she feels sad?

I can’t believe how long this hour and a half seems.
I left her a lifetime ago.

Here she comes.
She looks bigger. Smarter. Prouder.
She survived.

And so will I.

Why Do Kids Misbehave?

There are four main reasons for misbehavior in children, as described in the STEP Manual (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Dinkmeyer & McKay). These are attention, power, revenge, and feelings of inadequacy. I will briefly describe each, and then share some key ideas in dealing with misbehavior in a very positive manner.

Attention – you’ve seen this many times. As soon as you get on the phone, those previously quiet kids become out of control and immediately and persistently need your attention. Parents spend so much of their time actually rewarding misbehavior for attention, that they actually teach kids to misbehave to get the attention! The more you talk, explain, and negotiate to quiet the attention-seeking misbehaving child, you are actually letting her know that making the wrong choices gets rewarded! At that moment, a child doesn’t think about whether the attention she is getting is negative or positive.

Power – you have it, they want it. From answering “no” to your every request, to avoiding their chores, homework, eating, and yes, even toilet training! Many moms and dads get sucked in to “one-upping” the child in power struggles. Many parents today were the ones raised by parents who felt kids had to respect their parents – or else. So they are taken aback when a child comments back or mouths off to an adult. The parent might typically answer back with a punishment that withholds some toy or activity for a period of time. When the child answers back again, the parent typically says, “fine, then make it 2 weeks!” Back and forth it goes, with the child eventually getting grounded for life for a small infraction, but a BIG mouth! The parent never (obviously) can follow through, so the child learns that back talking gives them the power to engage in a fight with an adult.

Revenge – someone takes his toy, he hits, screams, or kicks to retaliate. Verbal revenge typically sends parents through the roof – you send a child to timeout, and he screams “I hate you!” over and over while sitting in the corner. We find ourselves arguing back and forth with the child who is SUPPOSED to be taking a timeout! In addition, at very young ages, children’s physical responses are much quicker and get a much stronger response than their verbal ones do. The young child with emerging language skills who has a toy taken away by another child will get an adult to run to the rescue a lot faster when she hits or bites the offending child. By the time the child has figured out what to say, the offending child might be long gone! Likewise, when we raise our voices to deal with problems with our children’s behavior, they learn to yell when they are angry or frustrated. We sometimes model exactly the behaviors we want to extinguish in our children!

Inadequacy – hopefully you don’t see this often, as it represents the child who doesn’t feel good about himself, so his misbehavior just reinforces how “bad” he feels or how “bad” he believes he is. A child who hears many negatives (“don’t do that” or “stop it”), or who has developmental challenges, or grows up in an environment that is in turmoil, whether from family dysfunction or problems with society (work stressors, violence in neighborhoods are examples) sometimes cannot separate out the environmental or developmental factors from himself. This is the hardest type of misbehavior to address in counseling, first because the child might feel so hopeless at such a young age, it is heartbreaking, and second, because the child doesn’t have enough self esteem to believe he has a right to happiness or good things.

Positive Interventions That Are Easy to Carry Out

Your eyes are the key! Most of the time, when we are dealing with a misbehaving child, we give them our guidance, and then keep looking at her, almost as if we expect a response. Say what you need to say, and move on – with your eyes as well as your conversation! Look away, walk away, break the eye contact. This is an especially powerful tool with kids seeking power. Let’s say you just told your child he cannot have a cookie before dinner. Don’t wait for the next response, which most likely will be to object to your decision. Change the subject, and direct your eye contact elsewhere. For example, after telling the child he can't have the cookie, turn your attention to getting dinner ready and state, “Hey, I’d love your help with seting the table. Here are the plates.”

Don’t fall victim to the “Okay?” syndrome! Watch how many times, during the course of a day, you end your directives to your children with a questioning tone (voice raising at the end of the sentence) or with the word “Okay?” This gives a child the false belief that he has a choice in the matter! For example, you tell your child, “It’s time to put your shoes on, OK?” When she responds with “no,” you’re left with a dilemma. Either you insist she puts them on, because you really need to leave soon, displaying that choices aren’t really always choices, or you have to step back, wait a minute, then instruct again – without the questioning sound at the end.

Give appropriate choices, as often as you can, to empower children to make choices and to teach them that when you don’t give choices, there is no discussion. From the time they can understand and respond to your prompts, begin teaching simple decision-making. Asking if he would like apple juice or milk, does he want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt, or would he like the basketball or the tennis ball to play with all help to teach a child he has some control in his world – when the control is offered. Keep choices down to two or three for kids under the age of five. As kids get older, make sure to increase number of choices when you see they are able to handle the options. Be careful to allow for a small amount of time to decide, but don’t sit and agonize as your child makes you wait and wait! If you ask about the milk or juice, for example, if she doesn’t give you an answer, give one reminder (you need to let me know if you want apple juice or milk). If she doesn’t respond, say, “I’ll choose for you this time – and then go get your choice for her. Don’t discuss it; simply state, “Since you can’t decide, I’ll give you milk." And then get the milk. If you wait for a response, typically that will result in your giving the child eye contact (power) and the child will provide a response; “NOOOO, I want juice!!!” When she gets mad at your choice, simply say, “Next time, when I give you your choices, you need to make a decision so I don’t have to.” If she chooses not to drink the juice, that’s her choice! Don’t then engage in the next power struggle over that!

For the inadequate child especially, but for all others as well, make sure to notice the positives. Catch the child doing something great, and point it out. Encourage him to try something new, and let them see you make mistakes, identify them, and then shrug them off as if to say, “we all are not perfect.” Help your child feel good about him or herself by encouraging choices, providing attention under positive circumstances, and deescalating power struggles and negative attempts to get your attention.

Please share your comments on this blog, and how you can use these tips to positively deal with your child’s misbehavior. And remember, children’s misbehavior, and how we address it is, in a big way, how our children learn to make smart, healthy choices in life.

Parent Tips for Children's Internet and Cell Phone Safety

One of the most talked about issues both in and out of my counseling practice has to do with technology and our children. Parents, wanting to make sure that their children are "up to speed" with the latest and greatest technology, are providing access to cell phones and the internet at alarmingly young ages. Children as young as six feel it is their "right" to these privileges! Parents ask all the time how to supervise the internet, how to enforce basic rules around cell phone use, and whether or not they are doing their child a DISSERVICE when they DO NOT succomb to adult and child peer pressure and either restrict or monitor their children and technology. I have seen children as young as 7 with facebook accounts - and many of their parents have no idea that they have set them up!

With that in mind, I have developed Parent Tips for Internet and Cell Phone Safety for Children. It's important to note that every family needs to establish their own guidelines and rules, and each child's behavioral, emotional, and social maturity needs to be considered when setting up the rules.

PARENT TIPS FOR INTERNET AND CELL PHONE SAFETY FOR CHILDREN

Having access to the Internet and using a cell phone is a privilege. Parents need to provide proper guidance and supervision to promote safety. What is sent to one person or uploaded on the Internet enters a PUBLIC arena. Children need to understand the lack of privacy that is potentially at risk when children misuse the technology.

How public is it? The following are examples of how easily information is passed to an entire network: a picture sent through cell phones to everyone on their contact list, an email sent out to a buddy list, an IM conversation copied and pasted into email and sent out to an address book list.

It is a parent’s obligation to help children understand the safe use and risks of this technology through discussion, supervision, setting appropriate limits, awarding privileges for appropriate technology use, and providing consequences for inappropriate technology use. Don’t look for ways to punish your child; use supervision and monitoring as means for communication about what’s appropriate and what’s not, and reinforce appropriate use and parental access with privileges.

Trust and supervision go hand in hand. A child will make you feel guilty about supervision – telling you if you are monitoring their behaviors, you must not trust them. Teach them that trust is earned when repeated checks result in observation of appropriate behavior, and trust is maintained when less frequent checks continue to result in observation of appropriate behavior. Likewise, observing inappropriate behavior results in decreased trust, increased supervision, and will result in limits to privileges.

It is crucial to establish rules around cell phone use. For example, set times for phone to be turned off for the night, make sure the phone is turned off at bedtime, and, if necessary, your child might need to give the phone over to you before sleep. In addition, limit cell phone use during homework, mealtimes, and family time. Phones can be placed on the counter, for example, before meals. Children should not even CHECK the nature of a text message during family time. Teach them that it can wait until later. If an adult needs to be accessible by phone for urgent work issues, he can check his texts or calls during family time, but work to model the message that family time is the priority!

It is important also to set limits around texting. Texting to opposite sex under age of 16 needs to be limited and monitored. A guide to this can be that once 1-2 texts each (back and forth) is established, child needs to call to have a voice conversation with the person of the opposite sex. Many children inappropriately send text messages or sexual pictures (sexting) because the impact of what they are doing doesn't feel real. Look in the local papers and you will read about situations where a child under the age of 17 sent a sexual text to a person over 17 and the older person was arrested and charged with child pornography. Many parents are setting a minimum age for co-ed texting, or at least monitoring the language and content of what is texted, especially when children are under the age of 17.

Because of technology, parents need to continue to speak with parents regarding plans and to insure parties are supervised. Children are relying LESS on parents to make plans, and detour around parental authority for arrangements. Children are making plans via cell phone, and they believe parents don’t need to contact each other. Children actually feel it will embarrass them!

In addition, parents are no longer picking children up by going to door (they are calling child’s cell phone). Parent to parent contact is CRUCIAL in helping you feel you are not alone in parenting!

Internet use must be monitored as well. Under age 14, children’s passwords should be known to parents. Over age 14, parents need assess if they need to know passwords, which depends on the maturity and behavior of the child. This might change as your teen moves through high school, and the privilege of a private password CAN be revoked if the child's behavior warrants. Parents have the right to access their children’s email and internet sites to monitor activity. If access is denied by child, the child loses internet privileges. If inappropriate use is noted, the child loses internet privileges. Making good choices results in continued, appropriate use!

It is most important that children know you CAN check these sites – children who know their parents CAN monitor their use are more likely to make responsible choices. Check periodically, and increase monitoring if at risk behavior is noted.

Specifically, facebook is intended for High School age children and older. It is not appropriate for a child under age 14 (junior high or younger) to access facebook, although many children are accessing this site. If you feel the need to indulge your child with this at such a young age, it is imperative that you supervise the use often! In addition, parents shouldn’t need to “friend” their child – you have access to monitor, and they need to self-monitor. However, if you choose to have children as friends, set a good example and do not expose those children to adult content. When your child does have a facebook account (high school), browse through child’s site WITH your child periodically. This is not the time for you to grab the details of their lives. Instead, use it to open discussion about what's appropriate and how what is being put out into the virtual world can have a longlasting impact on their lives.

Remember, these are guidelines, not firm rules. In your individual homes, examine how you negotiate the privileges that come with technology and how you supervise those privileges. Make sure you consider the individual child when setting your own guidelines. Please share your thoughts, concerns, and successes here as well!