Setting Limits and Following Through - or - Don't Be a Slot Machine!

Setting limits and following through can sometimes make you feel like you are a slot machine in Vegas. With enough pressure and persistence, you ‘pay off’ by giving in. Let me give you a few tips on when to say no, and how to help your child know you mean it.

I am going to start by helping you know when to let your child make choices and when to stand your ground. Picture 3 boxes in front of you. Box 1 items are the things that you don’t negotiate on. They are important values, rules, and parent guides that are reliably consistent. Box 1 items are things like, “you never get into a car with a stranger”, “you wear a helmet when riding a bike”, or “you sit in the back of the car with a seatbelt on”. Parents need to be very consistent with these, and kids learn quickly not to ask about changing these rules.

Box 3 items are things that your child chooses. Box 3 examples are: “apple juice or water”, “take a shower or bath”, and even picking out clothes for school (although as they get older, the school sets some ground rules for kids who like to test this box’ limit!) It’s important to let a child feel she can make choices. And don't worry - people will recognize the child who goes to school wearing plaid and polka-dots dressed herself. That child's self esteem soars when people comment, "Did you pick out that outfit today? It's rockin!" And the child learns to either modify his choices or stand up for his individuality when his peers ask, "Why are you wearing that sweater with those pants?" When kids are younger, limit the choices, as I did above with the apple juice or water example, so they don't get overwhelmed and then are unable to choose. This is also the place where kids can make a choice, and if it doesn’t go well, they learn from their mistakes. A good example of this is if you give a child $5 to buy something, but he chooses to spend it on something you think is a waste of money. Once you have established that he has $5 to spend, don’t control how it gets spent, unless that was the arrangement before you gave him the money. If you said, “When he goes to a store, and you tell him that he can use this money for a snack, but not for toys,” and he comes home with a glow-in-the-dark yoyo, you need to take the toy and donate it, throw it away, or keep it for your child until the time you determine he can have that gift. Don’t let him keep the toy. But if you don’t attach any rules to the money, you can give advice, but it is important to let the child make his own choice. If he spends it on a toy that breaks or doesn’t get used, that is the child’s lesson to learn! Let them make choices!

That leaves Box 2. These are the things that are negotiable. However, negotiable doesn’t mean, “argue until the parent gives in”. It means that both parties can express their reasoning, and then a decision is made, usually by the parent.

An example of this is bedtime. Parents usually discuss actual bed times when a child is around four years old and she begins to understand time. That bedtime is fixed (Box 1) for a while. At some point, the child wants a later bedtime, and the issue moves to Box 2. The child explains her reasoning (“I’m older than my brother, I should be able to stay up later” or “I am not sleepy when I get into bed and don’t fall asleep for awhile.”) You might reason that she doesn’t get up in a happy mood, is hard to wake up, or gets out of bed ten times before going to sleep. You can then negotiate that you will allow a bedtime 15 minutes later, provided that: she stay in bed once she is tucked in and that she wakes up reasonably in the morning. The logical consequence of not managing these is the bedtime goes back to the original time for two days, and then the child can try the later time again. Giving them a chance in a reasonable amount of time to show they learned the rule is important for all children! But here is the key point - once you come to an agreement, you need to follow through! Make sure the child gets the later bedtime. And make sure that if she gets out of bed or doesn’t wake up when asked on the first violation, you revert to the old bedtime for two days! Do not “give another chance! Once you do that, it’s like feeding the slot machine! They put the quarter (“please give me another chance”) in the slot machine (you) and if the machine pays out (“ok, I’ll give you another chance”), the child learns to play the machine (push the limit once a limit is set!)

The most important point of this discussion is that once you are consistent with your responses, children learn to respect your limits. Allow for choices, stand firm on non-negotiable items, and establish a limit and follow through on the privilege or consequence consistently. I will write more on this important topic in future weeks, but in the meantime, if you have any questions about limits, need to know what Box an item goes into, or what to do if your child doesn’t respect the rule, please post them here and I can answer to the whole group. Remember that if you are questioning it, so are many others! There are no silly questions! Parents who ask for guidance when they need it are making the smart choice! Have a great week!