Children with Social Reasoning Difficulties

I have always been a fan of Amelia Bedelia. She’s a character in a children’s book, and she takes life very literally. My favorite scene in one of her books occurred when she was playing baseball. She was on third base, and the next batter hit the ball. Her teammates told her to run home, so Amelia Bedelia ran to her house. Little did I know back when I was first reading about Amelia’s escapades that many of the children I work with live life much like Amelia’s character.

Children with social reasoning difficulties often communicate very literally. Hidden meanings, inferences, or sarcasm are quite confusing. In addition, they do not understand idioms. If you told a child with social reasoning difficulties that you had a green thumb, she might very well grab your hand to check it out. If the weatherman said it would be “raining cats and dogs,” this child might stare out the window all day waiting for the first animal to fall from the sky. Children with Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, Nonverbal Learning Disability, Seizure Disorder, and some with Attention Deficit Disorder struggle with understanding some of the social nuances that we come to understand as we mature.

How does this play out socially?

Children, or adults, for that matter, who see life in its most simple terms, very factually and literally, expect people to respond in a very predictable manner. The child with social reasoning difficulties often experiences anxiety, confusion, frustration, and feels annoyed when people don’t respond as expected.

Since thinking is so literal and concrete, statements feel like promises, and disappointment is often felt when those statements don’t happen. There are very few, if any, gray areas. If a parent tells a child that “we will try to get to the toy store,” but it turns out there isn’t enough time to go, the child feels let down because he heard it as a fact.

There is an inability to generalize information to other, similar situations. The child walks into many of his experiences without any preparation or understanding of what will happen, creating high anxiety. A child who learns to cope with life as a fourth grader is panicked at entry into fifth grade. He doesn’t use his prior knowledge to predict how his day will be.

When a situation has passed, talking about ‘what happened’ doesn’t really make sense because the experience has ended. While understanding how she dealt with an issue, what she can do differently next time, and how others reacted makes perfect sense to us, the child with social reasoning difficulties doesn’t make the connection between past and future experiences.

Some children want to have friendships, but don’t understand the social rules that go along with it. The child with social reasoning difficulties doesn’t have awareness of some of the basic friendship necessities, such as staying on topic, talking about mutual interests, taking turns, using eye contact, or attending to nonverbal cues.

How can we help teach social understanding?

The key to success is patience, understanding, and teaching. While typically developing children pick up on these lessons through life experiences, children with social learning difficulties don’t naturally attend to the very things that could guide them. So it is our job as parents, friends, teachers, social workers, and community members to assist. Here are some tools that each of us can use when we encounter a child who seems to fit the description.

Preview the experience. Carol Gray has coined the term 'social stories.' Basically, help the child prepare for what's coming through telling the social story of the situation. Going to a birthday party, getting ready for a new school year, going to a family gathering, or going on a trip all can be converted to a social story! While you can't predict every moment of a situation, you will relieve a great deal of anxiety by helping the child to understand what's going to occur. Here's an example if you're going to Grandma's for Thanksgiving:

Talk about who’s going to be there and who the child will probably sit near at the meal. Discuss the types of food to expect, and what to do if he doesn’t like some of the foods. Talk about what activities might be going on – football game on TV, kids playing games in the basement, or people helping clean dishes in the kitchen.

Compare and contrast. Helping a child to learn to generalize, or relate two different events, is crucial in reducing anxiety. Comparing and contrasting Thanksgiving at Grandma’s and Christmas at Aunt Lisa’s helps the child to make the connection between the holidays and get-togethers. Learning to identify commonalities helps the child to predict or anticipate his experiences.

Supervise and guide in the moment. Chronological age is not the predictor of social maturity. Children with social reasoning difficulties need direct guidance beyond the age typically expected. It is not unusual for a parent of a seventh grader with social difficulties who has a friend coming over to discuss activities that they can do, and then help negotiate transitions between those activities. As difficult as it might feel, remaining within earshot helps to guide the child in having a successful day with a friend.

Break down the abstract. It’s easier for us adults to explain things in a more literal fashion than to expect the child to understand the abstract or hidden messages. Here’s some examples of what we say, and how they’re heard:

"Wait a minute." This means, "I'm gonna count 60 seconds and then Mom will
answer me."

"Don't bother me now." Interpreted as, "I can bother her in 60 seconds."

"Can't you see that I'm busy?" The child might respond, "Yes, I see that you're busy, now answer my question."

It takes more time and thought for us to have to explain our intentions in a direct, concrete way, but it is so important in helping the child understand us. "I have to finish putting the steaks on the grill, and then I will help you with your homework" is much more concrete than "wait a minute." The child can visualize what will happen.

Cut out faces from magazines. Make cards from faces you cut out of magazines that depict different emotions and activities. Play games such as "What's the story?" or "What are they feeling?" with the cards. Teaching children to look at faces for social clues helps them begin to recognize feelings from facial expressions, and teaches them to tune into people's expressions for communication signals. Work to translate the face card recognition to real life by pointing out nonverbal expressions on people around you. An example of this might be, "Look at Daddy's smile - he is so happy to see you!"

If you know a child who resembles the description above, it is a good idea to read the book, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Marc Haddon. The author, a man who spent years working with autistic children, wrote this story from the perspective of a 15-year-old boy named Christopher, a child with autism. In it, Christopher negotiates the events of his life with the literal interpretation, peculiarities, and anxiety typical to children with social reasoning difficulties. Seeing his life as he feels it will open your eyes to the lives of these children. Understanding their view of the world is key to knowing how to guide and support them. These children represent one of my favorite groups of clients. Perhaps it is their innocent perspective on life, or maybe it’s their incredibly enduring spirits. Each one of them leaves an indelible mark on my heart because of their resilience, strength, and courage. While we have a lot to teach them about our fast-paced, sometimes cynical world, we can also learn a lot from them.

“Hey Mom, what’s for dinner?”

One of the most important things we can do with our children is share a meal together. If you’re like many families, finding time to prepare, let alone eat a meal together, amidst carpools for dance, soccer, Hebrew School, CCD, and violin practice is nearly impossible. Yet it is one of the most connecting times you can spend as a family. Take a look at what you can do to bring the family together for dinner at least 2-3 times each week. And let’s talk about what you can do to create harmony in your family during these times.

1) No cell phones, television, or other distractions. Treat this time as truly family-focused. Unless you, as a parent, are on call for your job, it is important for you to model the time as ‘family first’ by not answering your phone or allowing other things to distract you from this sacred time.

2) Don’t be a short order cook. When you plan your family meal, keep all members in mind. Make sure there is something on the table that each person will enjoy. This doesn’t mean you have to make 5 different entrees. Instead, make sure the vegetable, salad, or potato is something that even the pickiest eater will enjoy. Offer each member a taste bite of everything. This is really just a ‘pea-sized’ taste. Sometimes tasting a food over time will help develop a liking for it. But don’t force-feed the food. That creates more food issues with children than just exposing them to it and allowing them to experiment. I still don't eat green peppers or olives, and I think I'm doing ok!

3) Be creative. In our house, we once used a Sunday meal to taste different sauces. What the kids didn’t pay attention to was that they were actually eating chicken that they normally didn’t eat. But because we were tasting sauces, they attended to the teriyaki, BBQ, ketchup, honey-mustard, etc. that was on the table, and had a sheet of paper to rank each flavor. It was fun, and I learned that almost anything became edible if teriyaki sauce was used!

4) Serve your food family style, and let your little ones help themselves rather than put the food on their plates. All three of my kids were picky eaters. I was so frustrated when they were little because even spaghetti was on the list of ‘don’t like’. Spaghetti – who ever heard of a kid who didn’t eat spaghetti! One day, I was running late and didn’t have time to fully prepare the meal. So the noodles were in the strainer, the sauce in a bowl, and I just brought it all to the table. Each child was so excited to put the noodles and sauce on her plate and they all took second helpings. I never realized that having them scoop it out themselves made the difference in them ‘owning the meal’, and thus, eating the meal!

5) Once I realized that they liked to serve themselves, I also began to let the little chefs into the kitchen. Each child picked a Sunday, created the menu, went shopping for the food, and helped prepare it. Because a child was involved, there was more willingness by her sisters to try different foods. The chef was delighted to eat what she prepared, and typically had a menu choice that was kid-friendly. Our favorite was a sloppy joe recipe that combined some of the most unusual ingredients into a delicious tasting meal! The kids loved putting the odds and ends into the frying pan and were shocked at how it turned out so yummy. I’m including the recipe here for you to try. This comes from a District 102 cookbook, but the ingredients have been slightly modified. Thanks to Fran Horwitz for the recipe.

Sloppy Joes the Fun Way

1 ½ lbs. Ground beef or ground turkey
1 small bottle of ketchup
2 Tablespoons brown sugar
1 Tablespoon grape jelly
1 Tablespoon mustard
1 Tablespoon white vinegar
Onion powder, salt and pepper to taste

Brown beef or turkey in a frying pan and drain.

Add all other ingredients and simmer for 20-30 minutes.
Serve on buns.

6) Don’t force your children to eat just because it's dinnertime. Babies feel when their bodies are hungry, and signal their hunger with crying. As they get older, we put them on a schedule because it socially and logistically fits into our lifestyles. Having a family meal is more about spending time together as a family, talking, laughing, and sharing about each person’s day. Food happens to be a part of it. Kids who are given opportunities to taste different foods, but are given the ability to decide how much they want to eat actually develop healthier eating patterns than children who are given platefuls of food and made to consume what’s in front of them. Sometimes a child is truly not hungry at that moment. It is important to make sure they are not snacking from 2 p.m. until 6 p.m. without regard to their body hunger, because that is not listening to the hunger cue either. But a child who can get a snack when he feels hungry can also let you know when he is not hungry – and sometimes it coincides with dinnertime. Don’t make a big deal of it and most likely it will not become a behavioral or attention-getting issue.

7) Don’t make dessert the reward for finishing dinner. When you place such importance on dessert, you increase its inherent value to a child. Dessert is just a snack. Make sure you help your children attend to what kind of snack they feel like eating. Sometimes, that cool feeling of ice cream, rolling down the back of your throat, is the perfect thing. Other times, the crisp, crunchy bite into apple slices, juice dripping down to your chin, is what you desire. My favorite snack is cold, creamy vanilla yogurt, mixed with crunchy grape nuts and chewy raisins. Teach children to think about what they want to eat – this is the beginning of attuned eating - eating when you’re hungry, and eating what you’re hungry for. Sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s chewy, sometimes it’s hot, other times it’s cold.

Above all, make sure family dinners are a time to check in with each person. Make dinner last as long as you can, but not so long that the children are squirming and misbehaving, so that becomes your focus. Sometimes, ten quality minutes of sitting down, self-serving the food, and sharing a few thoughts together is all it takes to help your family feel more connected. Try it tonight!! Bon appetit!

Getting a Healthy Perspective on Kids and Sports

Now that school has begun and Labor Day has passed, parents are full swing into fall sports with their children. This is a great time to put sports into proper perspective. For the sake of this blog, I am writing about kids and team sports. I am also categorizing the different levels of sports involvement for children in the following manner: new learner, casual player and competitive level.

New Learner: Many children begin their team sport involvement around age 4 or 5 when community park district leagues are introduced to this age group. Assume all children devote 100% of their growing energy to the different areas of child development: fine motor, gross motor, verbal and social-emotional. Children who appear very athletic at age 5 look different on the sports field than the child who is an avid reader at this age. Likewise, a very social child might not be a very fast runner. Each child has uniquely spent their 100% of growing energy, and at this age, skills vary greatly. Where a child is at age five is also not always a predictor of athletic success, as development takes different turns as each child continues on his or her unique growth path.

So sports at this age should be focused on skill building, friendship making, and teamwork. A good coach will not put his best players in for more minutes, or identify MVP based on athletic agility. Coaching at this age should work to teach children understanding of the game, sharing successes, learning from mistakes, demonstrating good sportsmanship and respect of the referees, umpires, coaches, parents, and other children playing the game. A parent’s focus should be the same. Don’t go over the shot the child missed, or talk about the child who stood watching the planes fly overhead. Talk about how much fun you had watching your child play, how well they worked as a team, and what fun it was seeing the two teams high five at the end. Do not let a child quit mid-season, unless there is something very negative influencing the decision. A child who is not the best on the team is not a good reason. Each child on a team is an important rung on a ladder to a successful season, and getting to the top of that ladder of success is measured by fun, camaraderie, and learning. Teach your child the value of not quitting.

In addition, children with special needs should be especially considered at this time. Many children have not yet been diagnosed, but parents have begun to notice quirks or unique traits. As these children enter team sports, they may have difficulties attending, socializing, or understanding the complexity of the rules. Patience and acceptance by their coaches, teammates, and other parents helps a child who might participate a little differently into feeling like a valued member of the team.

Casual player: Casual players are kids who enjoy being on a team, playing the game, having fun with fellow teammates, and learning the rules. They’re not focused on who wins or loses most of the time. They are out there to participate. Some casual players might even be forced to participate by parents who want their child to experience team sports, but they themselves aren’t that ‘into’ it. Parents need to remain encouraging, positive, and keep the perspective of the goal of involvement – continued development, teamwork, sportsmanship, and respect. Yelling across the field at your child or someone else’s to hustle or screaming at a ‘bad call’ by an umpire negates the positive learning atmosphere. Sitting in your car after the game, dissecting all the poor performance areas of your child doesn’t motivate him to run out there next week and play hard. Let the coach do the coaching around the game, and coaches – be encouraging, even to your own child. If you’re the coach, do you call each player and analyze the game with each child? I doubt it. Instead, talk about the positive moments of the TEAM. Spend time practicing at home to enjoy this quality time with your child while helping develop skills in a fun, casual way.

Competitive level: Some children do have skills that excel, many times in more than one sport. These children should be able to begin competing with other children at a similar ability and interest level. However, the same message applies – to keep a child invested in her development of sports skills, encouragement and support are the ticket. Yelling at missed efforts, criticizing your child, coaches, refs, or others does not help maintain interest, passion, or effort. If you continue to negatively reinforce his performance, at some point, whether now or shortly in the future, your child will burn out, tired of the negative impact of your pressure. Remember to allow the child to explore other interests as well. The child who spends 4 hours a day, 6 days a week practicing for one sport might one day come to you because his friends are all on a volleyball team and he wants to join them. You have to help the child weigh passion and skill with well-rounded development and desires. It’s not easy to make the decisions, but talking it out, helping the child understand the implications of each choice, and allowing him to ultimately make that decision, for good or bad, is an important learning moment. We all have regrets of ‘what could have been’ and your child may have them too. But we learn a lot from these moments.

The most important message here is to teach your child to love sports – playing, watching, coaching – the whole package. I have spent many years coaching children in softball, and my best memories are the ones where the kids bonded as a group. We started out each season with a pizza party to help the kids get to know each other. We had three to four lunches, dinners, or get-togethers during the season. Parents were encouraged to help coaches at practice, allowing them to spend time around us as we demonstrated learning in a fun atmosphere. Early in the season, each practice started out with name games and we taught softball terms in fun, teambuilding ways. We did not win every game. I can’t even tell you our records, or the records of any individual players. I do remember the moment the child who was so timid to swing a bat got her first hit. I do remember the cheers of support from her teammates when a child with special needs made her first put out at second base. I even remember calling a time out so the girl in right field with her mitt between her legs could finish putting her hair in a better ponytail before the next pitch. I also know that some of my players went on to play competitively in high school, and some went on to play at the intramural level. And some just throw around the ball during the summer, hopefully smiling as they remember our fun season. My hope is that all kids that participate in team sports can feel good about being a part of a team - win or lose, total athlete or ponytail fixer.

Spoofing - Know the Term - Stay One Step Ahead of Your Teen

When you are dealing with teenagers, sometimes we have to stay ahead of their game. I learned of something that is worth sharing on this blog. Typically, I have advised parents that if their teens are sleeping at a friend’s house, you should make sure that when they arrive, they should call you from the friend’s landline, so you can be sure your child is at that home. However, by spoofing a Caller ID, they can deceive you into believing they are one place, when they are actually in another. There are applications that can be downloaded to cell phones (especially ones with internet connection) that allow the teens to “spoof” the caller ID so that the number that shows up on your phone when they call in is any number they select.

In other words, teens can have a phone app that, when active, allows them to call you from their cell phone, yet it looks like they are actually using a home’s landline.

So, to stay one step ahead of our teens, parents need to unite and support each other. If your teen is going to spend time at a friend’s house or have a sleepover, and you have questions about the plans, call the parents. Confirm the plans. And have the parents call you when your child arrives there for the night. You need to be extra vigilant when teens want an impromptu sleepover while they are already out during the evening. Last minute plans are most often associated with peer pressure, impulsive acts, or risk-taking behavior.

Many of you reading might feel, “Not my child, she doesn’t have the techno-savvy ability to do something like that,” or “I know I can trust my child, he hangs with other teens that I know are making good choices.” If you fall into this category, remember, it takes only one teenage mistake to spiral into a lifetime of misery. They meet new friends online, at pools, at their jobs, through other friends. Their friendship circles grow so quickly, and teens with the best intentions still act impulsively and get sucked into peer-pressured activities from time to time.

Other parents feel that their teen will not feel “trusted” if we go behind their backs and involve other parents, or worry that adults will think that we are being overprotective if when we contact another parent. We are so worried about how we will look, a sort of peer pressure for ourselves, that we sometimes override our good judgment, common sense, or instincts. Remember to trust the little voice inside you. If something doesn’t seem to add up, trust that instinct. Do what you need to do to make sure your teen is acting within your family’s boundaries. Trust is something that is developed over time – it is earned when repeated checks result in observation of appropriate behavior, and trust is maintained when less frequent checks continue to result in observation of appropriate behavior. Trust isn’t something we should blindly hand out – especially during the crucial teenage years, when impulsivity can strike at any time!

How to Parent from Afar

Many of you have just gotten back from taking your child(ren) to college. I, too, am in that group. Nikki & Jamie, my identical twins, are starting their sophomore year at University of Illinois. While this year was MUCH easier than last, I still have the 3 W’s - wonder about how they are managing, worry about their safety, and wish for their happiness and success. So I thought this blog entry would focus on parents’ roles while children are away from home.

When children are little, parents really are problem solvers. Kids come to us with a problem, and we help them with the best solution. If their Barbie doll needs a clothing change and their little fingers can’t manage it, we take the Barbie, change the clothes, and just like that, we’re the heroes. As they enter school, we arrange their play-dates, talk to the teacher about how they learn best, and help negotiate the learning process, both with academics and friends. By middle school, our role needs to shift; we can no longer just provide a fix for their problems. At this point, we need to shift our assistance to help them gain independence in problem-solving techniques. We can empathize with their feelings, help them brainstorm solutions, and watch as they put their solution in place, hoping that all will work out well. If it doesn’t, we’re right there help them cope with the disappointment and to start the process over again. In high school, some parents don’t even hear about their kids’ problems! When we do, the best course of action is to be a great listener. Any advice we offer at this stage is usually ignored or rebuffed, and instead of the heroes we once were, now we are reduced to “oh, mom, you just don’t get it!” It’s not that we have changed, but when a teenager, who is trying to develop independence skills, is told a possibly obvious solution, the teen feels inadequate and lashes out at the ones who can take it the most – parents.

So, we have supported, advised and listened and now our little baby has grown up and is ready to take his or her first steps in that next stage of life. What do we do now?

The most common question I hear is, “How often should we be in touch?” Back in the “olden” days, when I was at college, there was no immediate access as there is today. We usually “signaled” our family on Sunday at 10 a.m. You know, call the house, let it ring once, and hang up. That way, the long distance call was on our parents’ dime! They would call back, and each parent would take turns speaking to us – usually with us repeating the same stories over and over. If a sibling was at home, we might have to do it again! With the innovative technology of today, free calling and texting on cell phones, 24/7 access, Internet capability, video chatting, all raise the question of how much is too much?

Sometimes, you will get calls that send worry-chills down your spine: roommate issues, class snafus, alcohol-related incidents, accidents or illnesses. There is a part of every parent that wants to get in a car or on a plane, rush to the aid of your child, and make it better. But we know that those skills we have been developing through the years – listening, offering advice if we are asked, and knowing that even poorly managed or unresolved issues all provide a learning ground for our developing adults. We want everything to go perfectly, but in reality, it’s how they manage through the tough times and learn how to deal with disappointments that really pave the way to adulthood. Give them the strength to manage on their own. Tell them that if it something is important to them, it is worth the struggle to get their needs or wants met. With those tools, success is just around the corner - for both your young adult and you as a college parent!

Helping Children with Aggressive Behavior

Aggression is a normal part of a child's development. Preschoolers have difficulty sharing, react to conflict with physical force, or throw a tantrum when things are not going their way. They are learning many new skills, from fine motor to verbal communication. Children this age can easily become frustrated with everything they are trying to master and may end up taking it out on a friend. If a child is feeling resentful or neglected, she might react by pushing another child who just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes aggression occurs when a child is either tired or hungry. Young children think much faster than they speak, so a physical outburst is much more effective and timely in getting a response from another child or adult.

What can you do to help young children manage their aggression?

1. Respond quickly - Many situations are predictable. Be attentive, supervise at all times, and intervene by redirecting as needed. At times, if physical aggression occurs or a child is not responsive to redirection or 1-2-3 warning, then a time-out is appropriate. Keep in mind that time-outs are not meant to be used in anger. Stay as calm as you can so the child learns that dealing with conflict can be managed with words.

2. Help a child take responsibility for his actions - If something is broken, have him help repair it, if possible. If a mess is made, the child needs to clean it up. This is a logical consequence, and again, helps the child learn to predict how his actions will be dealt with in the future, especially if you are consistent.

3. Talk about conflict during "teachable moments" - While a child is in the heat of the moment, that is not the best time to explore other ways of managing herself. Picture yourself when angry - if someone tried to have you brainstorm solutions right then and their, you might want to slug them! During circle time, snack time, or after a nap, take the time to talk in general about problem situations and look for alternative solutions. Teaching brainstorming - "what could you have done that would have worked out better?" is a wonderful technique for conflict resolution that helps children manage behavior throughout life!

4. Be consistent in your response - A child will learn to anticipate consequences and internalize choices quicker when a logical connection is made between action and reaction, and that connection is consistent from time to time.

5. Seek help if you are stuck! - Network with the circle of people in your child's life if you are having problems managing your child's aggression. Teachers, other parents and pediatricians all have great ideas and most likely have seen the issues before. Don't feel embarrassed or afraid to ask for help. Sometimes, a referral to your school district's evaluation team or privately to a neurologist, social worker, or psychologist is in order to evaluate emotional, behavioral or neurological difficulties that may effect your child's ability to control his aggression.

6. Teach them to self-calm and deal with frustration - Many children need to learn self-soothing skills when frustrated or angry. Helping them develop a toolbox of choices will assist them in years to come. Some ideas are: listening to music, playing a sport, reading in a quiet place, hitting a pillow, playing with play-doh or coloring. Having the tools ready to manage anger and frustration are a necessity! Some children who continue to act impulsively may need reminders on when to use their tools. I have made "Stop and Think" cards - a stop sign on the back with the words "stop and think", and on each card, a toolbox choice like the ones listed above. The cards are laminated, and can be kept on a key ring. Referring a child to her "toolbox" helps the impulsive child to stop and think as she looks at her cards to choose a healthy way to manage her temper.

7. Reinforce positive behavior - I can't say this enough. If you can catch a child doing something good, it is a great motivator for a child! Kids are born positive and wonderful. Even the most difficult child has great moments throughout the day. While some days, seeing the miserable moments might be easier, a child who is fed a diet of positives grows self-esteem! Getting attention is such a motive for children's behavior, so if a child knows he will get attention for making the "smart choice", he will do just that!

As children get older, we need to teach them to be assertive and good self-advocates. They need to be able to stick up for themselves, get their needs met in positive ways, and manage conflict through verbal discussions and brainstorming solutions. So it is important to help our young children to deal with their anger and disappointment, rather than just restrain their aggressive feelings.

Getting Ready for School

As the summer comes to a close, parents are busy organizing school supplies, buying fall clothes, and comparing class lists and teacher selections. It is a hectic, nerve wracking time. We worry if this year will be successful for our child. Will he make friends? Will the teacher encourage learning and spark a true interest in my child? Will my child be the victim of a class bully? We want our children to be safe, love to learn, and grow in every regard. As I look back on each year in the lives of my own children, and the children who I see in therapy, I am reminded of my own angst when I sent my twins off to preschool for the very first time. I know that at the beginning of each school year, parents revisit the same worries, wishes, and hopes for our children. With that in mind, I wish for every child a year filled with successes that are measured by the size of her smile, the pride in his walk. I wish for each child the courage to try new things, the ability to manage failures with a focus on how to improve for 'next time', and with the hope that each day will start with love, laughter, and happiness.

I WAS A FIRST TIME PRESCHOOL PARENT

by Debbie Gross

August, 1992

I watched her go on the very first day
I waited for the tears
They came, but they were mine.

I wanted her to say, “I can’t go, don’t send me, Mommy.”
Instead she waved and said, “Bye, you can leave.”

My wings of protection
Were they large enough, long enough
To reach her from afar?

Did I teach her all the things she needs to know
To manage on her own?
Will she ask to go to the bathroom?
What if her shoe gets untied?

Will that stranger who led her away become her friend?
Will she tie her shoes?
Give her a hug if she feels sad?

I can’t believe how long this hour and a half seems.
I left her a lifetime ago.

Here she comes.
She looks bigger. Smarter. Prouder.
She survived.

And so will I.