Helping Children with Aggressive Behavior

Aggression is a normal part of a child's development. Preschoolers have difficulty sharing, react to conflict with physical force, or throw a tantrum when things are not going their way. They are learning many new skills, from fine motor to verbal communication. Children this age can easily become frustrated with everything they are trying to master and may end up taking it out on a friend. If a child is feeling resentful or neglected, she might react by pushing another child who just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes aggression occurs when a child is either tired or hungry. Young children think much faster than they speak, so a physical outburst is much more effective and timely in getting a response from another child or adult.

What can you do to help young children manage their aggression?

1. Respond quickly - Many situations are predictable. Be attentive, supervise at all times, and intervene by redirecting as needed. At times, if physical aggression occurs or a child is not responsive to redirection or 1-2-3 warning, then a time-out is appropriate. Keep in mind that time-outs are not meant to be used in anger. Stay as calm as you can so the child learns that dealing with conflict can be managed with words.

2. Help a child take responsibility for his actions - If something is broken, have him help repair it, if possible. If a mess is made, the child needs to clean it up. This is a logical consequence, and again, helps the child learn to predict how his actions will be dealt with in the future, especially if you are consistent.

3. Talk about conflict during "teachable moments" - While a child is in the heat of the moment, that is not the best time to explore other ways of managing herself. Picture yourself when angry - if someone tried to have you brainstorm solutions right then and their, you might want to slug them! During circle time, snack time, or after a nap, take the time to talk in general about problem situations and look for alternative solutions. Teaching brainstorming - "what could you have done that would have worked out better?" is a wonderful technique for conflict resolution that helps children manage behavior throughout life!

4. Be consistent in your response - A child will learn to anticipate consequences and internalize choices quicker when a logical connection is made between action and reaction, and that connection is consistent from time to time.

5. Seek help if you are stuck! - Network with the circle of people in your child's life if you are having problems managing your child's aggression. Teachers, other parents and pediatricians all have great ideas and most likely have seen the issues before. Don't feel embarrassed or afraid to ask for help. Sometimes, a referral to your school district's evaluation team or privately to a neurologist, social worker, or psychologist is in order to evaluate emotional, behavioral or neurological difficulties that may effect your child's ability to control his aggression.

6. Teach them to self-calm and deal with frustration - Many children need to learn self-soothing skills when frustrated or angry. Helping them develop a toolbox of choices will assist them in years to come. Some ideas are: listening to music, playing a sport, reading in a quiet place, hitting a pillow, playing with play-doh or coloring. Having the tools ready to manage anger and frustration are a necessity! Some children who continue to act impulsively may need reminders on when to use their tools. I have made "Stop and Think" cards - a stop sign on the back with the words "stop and think", and on each card, a toolbox choice like the ones listed above. The cards are laminated, and can be kept on a key ring. Referring a child to her "toolbox" helps the impulsive child to stop and think as she looks at her cards to choose a healthy way to manage her temper.

7. Reinforce positive behavior - I can't say this enough. If you can catch a child doing something good, it is a great motivator for a child! Kids are born positive and wonderful. Even the most difficult child has great moments throughout the day. While some days, seeing the miserable moments might be easier, a child who is fed a diet of positives grows self-esteem! Getting attention is such a motive for children's behavior, so if a child knows he will get attention for making the "smart choice", he will do just that!

As children get older, we need to teach them to be assertive and good self-advocates. They need to be able to stick up for themselves, get their needs met in positive ways, and manage conflict through verbal discussions and brainstorming solutions. So it is important to help our young children to deal with their anger and disappointment, rather than just restrain their aggressive feelings.