Health at Every Size

I’ve decided to write on a personal, yet controversial topic – weight stigma and the diet culture in our society. As a plus size woman, some people might disregard this because they feel I am writing this to justify my size. Actually, I am writing this because I am worried about young girls and women and the messages we give them day after day that they just aren’t good enough! And here’s the thing, while I know I don’t exercise enough, or I my eating patterns aren’t as healthy as they can be because of too many late night meals from working crazy hours, or fast food snacks because I don’t make the time to prepare something that my body really needs, that makes up only a part of who I am! When you look at me, do you hold a bias that because of my size, I am not healthy? Because actually, I am!

When we tell our young girls and teens that their body mass index or weight is not in the ‘zone’, we aren’t considering the whole picture. People of all shapes and sizes get sick. I have seen thin women suffer greatly with medical issues just as I have seen larger women with medical problems. And I have seen thin women who don’t exercise, and fat women who are quite athletic and physically fit! Size isn’t a reliable measure of health! Body health is not one dimensional, determined only by the number on the scale compared to our height and age! If we can instead teach girls to love themselves, move in healthy ways, eat foods that feel good and nourish them in a balanced way, then we can expect them to grow into happy, self-esteemed women who take care of themselves! Dieting teaches a person to restrict certain foods labeled as bad, which results in a deprivation mentality, followed by a break from the plan, then feeling a sense of failure, and retreating into the negative messages associated with falling off the diet.

Think about those messages we hear every day! “Oh my goodness, I gained three pounds…I feel horrible!” “I can’t eat that, I have to keep my weight down for the ‘fill in the event’!” When someone has dieted and taken some pounds off, she might hear, “You lost weight! You look beautiful!” As if by implication before the weight loss, she wasn’t? Or at the next meeting, there is no reflection on how she looks, and maybe she gained a few pounds, so then she feels the weight equals less value, less beauty, less self-worth. I know girls and women who won’t wear bathing suits or shorts because they are embarrassed of their body type. I know girls and women who hide at pictures, afraid that they wouldn’t look their best in pictures because of their size. We are so tuned in to size and looks as a culture that we have lost the true beauty of an individual, and chiseled it down to only be reflected as a size 0 or 2 model. 

What would it feel like if we raised a generation of girls who could dance like no one was looking, wear what felt good and comfortable because she liked it, eat what felt great, view exercise as fun and energizing for her body, and could encourage her fellow ‘sisters’ to do the same? We are finally encouraging girls that they can do anything they set their sights on; girls can excel in math and science, for example. We must also teach them that they are beautiful in every shape and size they come in. If a diet program like Weight Watchers wants to invite teens to participate in a summer program of health and fitness for free, that would be exciting, as long as BMI and weight loss are not part of the plan, and they took ‘diet’ out of their equation! Deprived eating and shameful feelings around choosing carbs or grains don’t help teens develop a love for their bodies that will last a lifetime; rather it teaches them to feel they are never good enough, never thin enough, and need to practice self-deprivation at all costs. Instead let’s teach them that all food groups are ok and they can have a healthy relationship with food! Health can come at every size! Listening to what your body wants, be it salty or sweet, chewy or crunchy, hot or cold, and learning to stop when the body feels the first signs of full would be awesome! Helping teens to move for the pleasure of it; whether dancing, swimming, walking, running, or playing out in the fresh air would be glorious! Teaching teen girls that they should love themselves first, be proud of who they are and what they can do, and feel good from the inside out will lead to young women who can enjoy life without hesitation.

So for me, while I want to get into some better habits as I continue this aging process in my 50s, it won’t be about losing weight. It will be about keeping my joints and muscles as healthy and lubricated as they can be to protect me as I get older. It will be about making sure I plan my meals better so I don’t feel so hungry at 9:30 at night that I need to stay up late after finishing a meal, and then feel too tired the next morning. And I will enjoy my chocolate because I love the creamy goodness as it swirls in my mouth as much as I love that crunchy, juicy pear, the savory chicken soup with that fluffy matzoh ball or that delicious king crab dipped in butter. When you look at me, I hope you see that I am healthy, smart, funny, creative, helpful, caring, and, by the way, I happen to come in a plus size body.

THANKSGIVING REFLECTION

As I do all the things I do to prepare for the Thanksgiving holiday, I am trying to pay attention to all that I am feeling these days. I look forward to listening to the comments by my friends and family around the Thanksgiving table as we each share what we are grateful for. As a highly positive person, I know I always have a glass is almost full attitude, and I want to think that having that ‘can do’ attitude has helped me achieve the things in my life that are truly important. As a social worker, I am also highly tuned in to where others are at any given moment; the empath in me feels all that is around me and I tend to take that in and hold onto it. Partly because I hope that I can share some of the burden of others, and in part because I hope that my positive outlook drives me to find sources of healing, places of hope, and solutions to all that puzzles for problems that affect the people who are in my life.

I am also aware that as a white person living in America, I have had a privileged life in so many ways, that my positivity has had a chance to thrive and grow. This has resulted in being able to quickly work to identify a positive outlook after the election results. There is a part of me that always holds onto hope.  In general, I see myself as a social democrat and a fiscal republican. This election, I felt that putting someone into the White House that could shift the supreme court to extreme conservatism scared me most of all. I worried that a platform thriving on hate and fear would spark the voices of radicals who see no value in shared community, diversity, or equal rights for all. When Trump won, I lowered my head for a day, and then shifted my balance back to my positive self. Maybe he had a loud bark, but a gentle bite? Maybe he wanted to wake up America to notice we have gotten too complacent, but once awakened, he would shift his voice to unite us all? Maybe, since he spent most of his life as a democrat, he would make as surprise shift in aligning his cabinet to be inclusive and work towards acceptance?

It was easy for me to do. I am white. I am second generation American. I blend in. Yes, I’m Jewish, so technically there is a target on my back, but I can look pretty much like many in America if I don’t put on my Jewish star necklace, or you don’t see me walking into my synagogue or catch my Menorah in the window on Chanukah. I’m also heterosexual. I have spent the last thirty years in a traditional marriage, raising three daughters, and basically living the American dream. I went to college and work in a profession I love, my husband went to college and has, thankfully, been steadily employed throughout our marriage, two of our children went to college and have entered the workforce, and the third is finishing graduate school. Pretty normal stuff. You see, from where I am, I can ignore the crazy on a day to day basis and continue to live my safe comfortable life.

When I see Trump beginning to build his Cabinet with people who publicly hate communities of people, I have to step out of my world and speak up. Because I want my world to not only be safe and comfortable for me and my family, but for my friends, clients, neighbors, and community. It is anything but safe right now, and I am sorry for that. How can I expect people around me to be positive and grow that feeling when there’s a storm of hate swirling over America and growing with intensity? Unless we band together and continue to wake up our friends, and help advocate for a balanced government that wants to: protect the rights of ALL its citizens, allow for equality across genders, sexuality, religion, cultures, and abilities, and spread a message of respect to all people within its borders, none of us can or should sit back and feel comfortable.

This is not about ‘my candidate’ losing the election, because I was highly aware of the flaws of Hillary Clinton too. I’m not a sour grapes person. But I am an empath, and feel the worry, pain and panic around me and understand that it is well felt. The one hope we do have is that President-elect Trump has always been one to be proud to say, “you’re fired!” I can only hope that when he sees the impact of what is coming, he utters those words to some of his soon-to-be key players and brings a more uniting team to his table.

So when I sit at my Thanksgiving table, I will focus on gratitude and hopefulness. But I will also pray for those leading our country to spend the next four years building up the lives of ALL Americans instead of working to tear select groups down.

THE CUBS ARE A SYMBOL FOR WHAT THERAPY TEACHES

It's been awhile since my last blog post, but the Cubs have inspired me!

As a lifetime diehard Cubs fan, winning the World Series was one of those highlights in my life that I know as the years pass will be as treasured then as it is now. As a marriage and family therapist, the symbolism in being a Cubs fan, both as looking at this year’s success as well as the long term drought and ‘maybe next year’ attitude can explain how one should live his or her life.

First, let’s look at the championship game this year to understand. During the rain delay, a players only meeting was called and Jason Heyward spoke to his teammates. Almost every player spoke after the game about his words, rallying the team to pull together to finish this season with the 114^th win that they have dreamt about. Why Heyward? Why is this significant to a social worker? Well, the guy is paid oodles of money, in the millions, to be there. Many would say this year has been a letdown in terms of what he has brought to the club. His fielding is never in question. His defensive role has been stellar this year. But during the playoffs, he had one of the worst batting averages, stranded fellow Cubbies on base, and left many wondering why we (all Cubs fans speak about the team as if it was our money spent!) are carrying him this way. Yet his talk represents why. During that game, at that rain delay, he could have sat quietly, passively, allowing others who have made pivotal plays or had at-bats that were compared with legends speak. But he decided he still had a role to play on HIS team. The Heyward symbol? Never lose sight of what you can contribute.

Next, the theme of this year seems to have been “we never give up.” There have been so many moments, in the playoffs and during the season, where you look up at the scoreboard and thought, “no way.” But these Cubs are different from many others from years past. The score, the late inning doesn’t matter. The hopelessness doesn’t exist. They came from behind in many eighth and ninth innings to win. They were down 3 games to 1 in the World Series, where commentators were all but handing the coveted trophy to the Indians. They blew a four run lead and by the eighth inning, the score was tied. It didn’t matter. The team motto? “We never give up.” Anything can happen if you have a can-do attitude.

The big picture. As a Cubs fan since the early 60’s, I have spent over fifty years thinking it can happen each year, only to sit in August explaining to my Sox or Cardinals fan friends that I’m hopeful that it might be next year. Eddie Vedder’s lyrics, “someday we’ll go all the way” is what we have felt our entire lives. There are so many like my dad, 81, and my mother-in-law, also 81, who have been doing this their entire lives, and they pass it down like a treasured heirloom, from generation to generation. My three daughters have inherited the Cubs gene as well. It’s what we do. It’s how we live. You start the season with hopes and dreams. You watch the games, wincing at each close play, sighing at each loss. By late July you shake your head and hope for a miracle, wish we could break from the curses that so many attribute to our fate. And by August the familiar saying is spoken, “Well, maybe next year.” And then November 2^nd happened. Well, technically November 3^rd. Because in Cleveland, the win occurred at 12:47 a.m. on November 3^rd. A time we Cubs fans will never forget. That moment we have dreamt of has happened. The screams. The cheers. I went to bed with a huge smile and woke up with tears in my eyes, telling myself, “This really just happened.”


I have spent much of my therapy career explaining to people that they are trying to live too safely. They are so afraid to get hurt; they aren’t truly living their lives to the fullest extent. They can’t really feel joy, after all, if they work so hard to avoid sadness or pain. And this is the biggest Cubs therapy lesson of all. The joy we are feeling right now is higher than any other team’s victory has ever felt. Not because I’m a Cubs fan and feel selfishly that this moment was better than Boston’s moment, or the Sox’ moment. But because when you wait 108 years for it while truly engaging in the ups and downs, and really riding the drought of disaster, when you finally reach the pinnacle, the view is more spectacular than you could have ever imagined. Only because we have felt the suffering, stayed loyal through the down times, believing even though our hearts ached and our opponents gloated, do we truly feel joy. I know we will hit the skids again. I am a Cubs fan. It doesn’t matter. I will be hopeful. I will be loyal. And just like the Cubs, in our lives, we will struggle.

The ultimate message is, “Put yourself out there. Take risks. Know that pain is real and hurts. But if you keep at it, if you don’t give up, if you don’t lose sight of what you can contribute, the victories, no matter how infrequent, feel euphoric!”

The Top Five Parenting Questions

After spending roughly 25 years providing counseling services to children and families, I thought it would be interesting to reflect on the most common questions parents have asked during the course of counseling.

1.    Is this genetic? Did we do something to cause or create this problem in our child?
I think we’re taught from early on to look at cause and effect or problem and solution, so it’s natural for parents to want to get to the root of the problem when it comes to their child. However, finding the cause is not as important as directing the plan for managing the situation. Placing blame on a poor gene pool or looking into whose family has had the most dysfunction does not lead to healthy coping skills or problem management. Rather, understanding your child and meeting your child’s needs as best you can will most often take you down the healthiest path. When your child knows that you are walking with him, that you are supporting him through the struggle, and that you love him unconditionally, he will be more equipped to handle the rough road that may lie ahead. Don’t get me wrong; there are some conditions in which it is essential to know about genetics, and I encourage you to explore those as your medical team requests. But for the vast majority of behavioral and emotional concerns, beating each other up for something that is out of your control does not aid the situation. In many instances, the combination of one’s predisposition (genetics) and environment (experiences) dictate how that person will interpret her world.
2.    How can I expect my child to do certain things, like be a good student or not drink alcohol when I made those choices as a child?
First of all, we have learned a lot since we were children about the developing brain which influence the advice we offer to parents. When we set expectations for behavior we want in our children, they know what to reach out and achieve. They will make mistakes – we all do. And we teach them about consequences for those behaviors just like we show them the rewards of good choices. When we were younger, there were no seat belts so we did not wear them. Does that mean we don’t need our children to wear them? Of course not. We have learned that seat belts are a necessary safety feature, so we teach our children to use them even if we did not. Underage drinking? Drinking and driving? When we were younger, there were less cars on the roads and there was very little known about the effects of alcohol on the young brain. Now with stricter laws, more crowded roads, and the experiences of deadly car crashes resulting from teen drinking, we teach our teens to make smart choices when it comes to alcohol. We don’t need to share experiences with our children to guide them appropriately. We have adult brains with adult common sense and our children rely on us to help them in guiding them to make good decisions for themselves.

3.    Why doesn’t my child act his/her age?
Most likely, the behavior you are seeing IS age appropriate. Part of development is in making of mistakes, failing, falling on our faces, and misbehaving. So much learning can take place when consequences occur that teach children about the logical or natural cause and effect in life. So often, parents try to derail disappointment or give in to tantrums that we miss out on the beauty of life’s most natural lessons – acting his or her age and managing the consequences or privileges that follow.

4.    How can I make sure my child will go to a good college if he/she is not doing his/her homework?
One of the things you can do is to let your child NOT do his or her homework, and see the consequences. Certainly, the young child, under third grade, needs a lot of coaching in homework skills, work habits, and focus. As the child gets older, as a parent, you take steps backward each year to help your child gain independence in managing his or her work. This will mean homework gets left at home or work gets turned in incomplete. Rushing the papers to school doesn’t teach your child the independent skills to manage at college, now, does it? Bribing, nagging, and cajoling your child to do his or her homework doesn’t mirror how students learn to do their work at school. You can insure your child will make it into college by allowing him or her to own his or her work and be responsible for it, complete or not. Better to watch failure in junior high or high school, when lessons are not as costly as a $25,000 college year.

5.    My spouse and I don’t have the same views on parenting. How confusing is this to our child?
One of the neatest things to observe in children is their adaptability. They know what to expect at school, from grandma and grandpa, and how each parent responds to different situations. While the best way to manage parenting issues when two parents are available is to co-parent – communicate about discipline and guidance away from the child, present a united front to the child, and work together to manage the issues – when it comes to the day to day events, each parent’s creative  approach actually helps teach flexibility to your children. For example, I had a certain bedtime routine with my children. Bath, jammies, brushing teeth, stories, and a kiss goodnight, all by a certain time, worked well for me. My husband, on the other hand, had this unique song and march, his own creative stories and plays, and maybe a little less rigidity on the exact bedtime. Our children cooperated with both – but, truth be told, I even loved my husband’s style on this more than mine! When it came to cleaning up the toys, we had different styles again. But the common theme was that we both believed in some routine for each, and had the children participating in these events. So the discussions about what we wanted as our goal was done, and then each person allowed the other to develop his or her own style for carrying out the message. Your children will learn to adapt to each of your styles, but the consistency of the message will make their development as smooth as possible!

As Thanksgiving Approaches...

As Thanksgiving approaches, I realize it’s time to update the blog. We all use this time of year to reflect on our lives, feel gratitude for those around us and see appreciation in the blessings of our lives. I want to see if we can take it one step further, and make a bucket list of sorts. Not the extreme things we ‘have to do before we die’ list. But the ‘how can I make myself a better person’ or ‘what can I do to make the world I live in a better place’ kind of list. I’m going to share a few of my thoughts, and I hope my followers will add their ideas on self and world improvement.

1.     I had a conversation at a football game with some people from Canada, and I realized how very little I know about that great country north of ours. So one of my goals is to educate myself on Canada.

2.     I watched Marlee Matlin on television the other day. She has an app that teaches sign language. I want to learn this! I’ve already downloaded the app and can say, “My name is Debbie. What’s your name?”

3.     I ran into a friend – actually, I should say I walked into a friend who had been running that morning. He was up EARLY in the morning, while I was cuddly in bed getting a few more zzz’s. I also noticed a bunch of people I know that did the 5k run for chocolate and other 5k events. While I don’t see myself running with that dedication, I do want to strengthen my core and increase my flexibility and stamina.

4.     While shopping the other day with my husband, the clerk wanted to give me an extra plastic bag and I rejected it, while my husband wanted to sort our items into the different bags to bring to the girls at school. I am on a mission to use less plastic and recycle more. So, every chance I get, I will bring my reusable bags to stores. If I need to use plastics, I will fill them up to use as few as possible, and then recycle them.

So these items are the beginning of my list of want-to-dos. I am hoping these small additions to my life will help me feel more enlightened and enriched, and bring me a greater sense of appreciation and gratitude in the year to come. Please share your ideas as well, and have a very happy Thanksgiving!

The Latest on Cell Phones, Facebook and Other Technologies

Three years ago, I blogged about technology, and while so much of it still rings true, I realize that each year, younger children are accessing technologies, and we need to attend to what this means for your youth.

I will digress with a bit of history. When my twins were turning thirteen, we were purchasing their first cell phone. There was no camera, no internet and no texting. It was a phone. The intended purpose for them to have a cell phone was for those moments when they were out and about; they had an easy way to reach us. They actually shared the phone! When they turned fifteen, they had earned the privilege of having their own phones, with limited texting added. I can only imagine parents reading this and laughing. I feel like my kids’ experience with their first cell phone is as outdated as mine - my first cell phone was a box phone that I carried in a big black bag whenever I went to my car! And I thought I was cool!

I am aware that children are exposed to technology earlier and earlier these days. Watching a toddler maneuver apps on an iPad in the mall recently, I realized that the next generation of children will be more skilled at computers than coloring in a coloring book. Schools are even doing away with cursive. Students learn the basic letters and are learning to write their names, but the years spent learning cursive are making way for keyboarding and computer literacy. Children are taught in school to prepare Powerpoint presentations and are turning pages of a book with the flip of a finger on their e-readers. Backpacks, once weighted down by books going to and from school, are becoming lighter as school books are now on CD or accessible through the internet.

So my advice to parents is to supervise and assist our youth in getting connected, but remind them of two things always: 1) it is a PRIVILEGE to have access to the latest and greatest technology and 2) imaginative play, running around outside, and face to face interactions with peers still provides the healthiest opportunity for the development of strong social skills. Papers still can be written by hand, house phones, a.k.a. landlines, do ring up their friends, reading a book by the fireplace is still one of the best, most relaxing pastimes around, and spontaneous play outside in the fresh air is F-U-N. In other words, balance is key!

Set healthy limits. It is okay to set time limits on the computer, television, or X-Box. It’s also important to put all electronics away during certain parts of the day. As a role model for your child, practice disconnecting from the electronic world when interacting in the real world (dinners together, in line at a grocery store, out with friends, holidays…). And most importantly, find time to play – without electronics. Whether it’s a card game, board game, sports, art, or dramatic play, show your children how to HAVE FUN interacting in real time! If you start this when your children are younger, they will grow up knowing these non-electronic activities are also important parts of life!

I will end by sharing one of my favorite memories: when I was a child, I used to love to create forts. Fashioned between my sister’s and my beds, blankets topped the forts and were held in place by books and pillows. Flashlights, cards, more pillows, and toys were inside. Another blanket acted as the door to the outside world, and we hid away and played in the fort. I remember giggling often. Two D batteries to power up the flashlight were all the electronics needed for hours of fun!

On PROUD

During the past few weeks, several people have approached me and asked what happened to PROUD. For those of you unfamiliar with this, I was the co-chair of a wonderful community coalition, Stevenson Community PROUD (People Rallying to Oppose Underage Drinking) for several years. It was born out of concern for our youth after several students in a neighboring community died as a result of underage drinking. We did not want our community suffer a similar fate. This coalition, made up of high school students, parents, educators, and community leaders worked together to educate the community on the dangers of underage drinking.

Last year, PROUD was disbanded. To all those actively involved, it was a sad time. We had worked together for four years and truly made an impact in our community. With guidance from the Lake County Lake County Underage Drinking Prevention Task Force, we worked to redefine the social norm around underage drinking in our community. We organized a parent folder to hand out during Stevenson’s parent open house, containing wonderful materials on the statistics of underage drinking in the north suburbs as well as educational handouts on the effects of alcohol on the developing brain. We collaborated with several other communities, Deerfield and Lake Forest/Lake Bluff, to share information and resources. We held 18 parent coffees where we shared concerns, stories, and strategies. And we helped the students find their voices – that being alcohol-free was a good norm to strive for. Five Stevenson seniors, who worked side by side with us from the beginning of PROUD in their sophomore year, earned Prominent Patriot awards prior to their graduation. This recognition of honor and distinction from their high school confirmed that healthy choices lead to positive rewards.

I’m sure all those reading this are asking themselves, “So why disband?” In the Stevenson High School district, which is fed by more than five junior high schools, we have roughly 4500 students. Considering each family has, on average, two children, those students represent about 2250 families. While many parents applauded the work of PROUD, very few attended meetings. The work of PROUD was carried out by a very small group of highly dedicated people, and the volunteers who began the coalition lost their energy over time. Some had children who graduated the halls of high school and had moved on. Some community leaders found the lack of attendance concerning, and shifted their energy to other causes. The students who had begun this mission moved on to college, and it was difficult to bring new ones on board when the adult leadership was dwindling simultaneously.

But the message of the coalition still remains an important one today, as I hear more and more stories of students as young as 12 years old drinking and mass arrests by our local police force of underage drinking parties and their host parents. With the increased use of cell phones by students, parents are communicating with each other less and less, and teens are empowered to embark on risky behavior without consequence.

So, to those parents who have been asking about PROUD, I will be dedicating the next few blogs to the information and resources that PROUD offered. With the summer upon us, it is my hope that parents will find support and guidance to help their children live substance-free lives. If PROUD couldn’t rally physical support at meetings, perhaps in the virtual world of blogging, facebook, or twitter, we can create such a buzz about prevention that the mission of PROUD can live on, and therefore, so will our children.

Mission Statement: “Stevenson Community PROUD educates and empowers parents, students, and the community to prevent underage drinking and promotes safety and well being for everyone.”

Welcoming Spring

With the sun finally emerging from behind the winter clouds, I was excited to see all the families outside riding bikes, walking their dogs, and just enjoying the beautiful weather this past weekend. Spring brings out the warmth and colors as everything comes to life. I want to share some thoughts about how to refocus yourselves and your children to the great outdoors.

For those of you reading this who live in warm climates, you don’t quite understand the nature of winter hibernation. Going weeks without seeing the sun, bundling ourselves to the point of unrecognizability, and avoiding stepping outside as often as possible is how many northerners spend the long winter months. When we look out our windows and see the first signs of spring, the tulip greens emerging, robins grabbing broken branches for their nests, buds forming on our trees and bushes, a smile emerges on our faces. Yes, we have a few nasty Mother Nature teasers, where a 70 degree day pops up, only to be followed by 35 degrees and snow flurries the next. But when days of consistent warmth and sun surround us, we know spring is here.

I want to encourage everyone join me in committing to enjoy this spring and summer by enjoying outdoor activities. The goal: turn off the electronics, turn up the activity level. Below I offer some suggestions to step outside and get moving. Our kids need to see us modeling a healthy lifestyle so they get off the couch, put down the game controller, computer, and cell phone, and enjoy the good old outdoors and spontaneous play! Please feel free to comment on this blog with your own ideas to share with each other.

1. Arrange nature walks. Take friends, find groups, take your pet, or just meditate with yourself on a hike.

2. Biking. I am always impressed with my daughter's camp counselor job. She bikes for about four hours each day with seventh and eighth grade campers. What a wonderful way to enjoy the fresh air and get exercise! So, on your own, with a friend, or in a biking group, get riding!

3. Gardening. Whether planting flowers to enrich our environment or vegetables and fruits to bring organic foods into your home, connect with the earth!

4. Find a sport that you enjoy and participate. Tennis, golf, softball, baseball are just a few ideas. Some encourage teamwork, others self-improvement. All incorporate movement, skill-building and sharing time with people.

5. Picnic. Take the family to a park, preserve, or beach and enjoy the afternoon or evening together. Bring some games to play or take a hike together.

6. Tour your city. Whether strolling leisurely through downtown Long Grove, exploring downtown Chicago, or driving to Lake Geneva or Milwaukee, our local area offers such variety and beauty all around us.

I am excited to embrace spring this year. Today I enjoyed a walk through my neighborhood, stopping to visit friends along the way. It felt great to reconnect not only with my physical self, but with nature, friends, and my husband. I hope to see you outside on one of my outdoor adventures!

Teaching Resilience to Our Youth

Last week, I was asked to speak to the Lake Forest/Lake Bluff parent community on Resilience - How to Nurture and Develop Your Child's Inner Self. They planned a series of discussions on "The Middle School Years: A Parent's Guide", offered through a wonderful community organization, LEAD, a United Way agency whose mission is to support parents and other adults shaping the future of our youth and is dedicated to promoting healthy family relationships and preventing alcohol, tobacco, drug use, and other risky behavior by youth.

My goal for the evening was for parents to walk away with a better sense of what they can do to enhance the self-motivation and responsibility in their children. Teaching children how to manage their disappointments and failures will lead to resilience and empowerment. Allowing children to develop resilience, to own their actions, grades, and life choices, is one of the hardest tasks of parenting. The seminar provided parents some tools to improve communication with their children and receive practical strategies to help them learn to find motivation internally rather than seek external rewards and gratification.

I am excited to be offering this seminar again on March 14th at Temple Chai's Wellness Day 2010, sponsored by the Chai Center for Enrichment & Renewal, Temple Chai Sisterhood, and the Levinson Scholar-In-Residence Fund. Anyone with school-age children will find this program invaluable. To register for this program or get information about the many other programs and events offered that day, visit the Temple Chai (Long Grove) website and follow the link to the Chai Center to download the registration packet.

In the meantime, I assigned homework to the group last week, and thought I would share it with you. Please spend some time in the coming weeks to incorporate one of the following ideas into your daily lives. Let me know on this blog which one you are doing, and what impact it has on your family's life. Remember that as families make changes, the first response might be resistance. Stick with it, stay positive, and see if, after four or five weeks, you notice the positive effects of your efforts.

1. Journaling or Emailing

If you choose to journal, purchase a small notebook for each of your children. Explain the purpose of the journal - just a way to share private thoughts between you and your child. Tell him you will leave the journal in a specific place in his room when you have written in it, and he can leave it on your pillow or by your nightstand if he wants you to read it.

If you choose to email, let your child know that you want to use email to share private thoughts between you both. Let her know she can respond via email or initiate conversation.

Be sure YOU don't OVERDO it. Only write to your child once or twice a week at most.

However, always respond respectfully and promptly to THEIR emails or journals to you.

Keep your thoughts positive and sincere. Don't fake it!

2. Spending one on one time together - what would your child like to do?

Find time once a week to spend together doing something child-focused

Grocery shopping or folding laundry does not count!

This activity does not and should not cost a lot of money. You don’t have to buy your child’s time or attention!

3. Family Meals

Plan on spending at least one night a week eating together as a family.

Make sure everyone can attend ahead of time – don’t wait to the last minute to tell the family, and then feel disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

Plan the menu together or make sure that there are items at the table that each person will enjoy.

4. Family Nights

At least twice during the month, up to once a week, spend the evening together.

Decide together how to select activities. It can be by submitting ideas into a hat and selecting the winning choice or rotating amongst family members. Everyone needs to agree to participate in each other’s activities, and parameters on what can be selected can be talked about ahead of time. (i.e. – activity that lasts 1-2 hours, in the house, no cost, etc.)

Enjoy finding time to smile with your child today. And remember, sometimes we see the rewards of good parenting many years later.

Bring on the New Year!

As the first decade of the 21^st century comes to a close, let’s take a few moments to set some goals for 2010. I don’t want this to be a list of resolutions that are filled with unrealistic expectations. If we do, by mid-January, we'll end up hanging our heads, feeling miserable at our lack of success. Instead, I want to identify goals that focus on respect, simple kindnesses, and bringing happiness to ourselves and others.

Watching one of my favorite Christmas movies this past week, It’s a Wonderful Life, Clarence, the guardian angel, shared a very important concept when he stated, “Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?” We need to be conscious of the lives we touch each and every day, and make sure that we are paying attention to those around us, even during those inconsequential moments we sometimes don’t even consider important.

Please examine the list and identify the ones that you think will make a positive change in your life or the lives of the people with whom you interact. Then, when the ball drops and welcomes in 2010, let’s make a positive difference in our world.

1. I will wait as I let someone else merge into my lane ahead of me while driving, or let someone with fewer items go ahead of me in the grocery line, Life should not be so rushed that offering common courtesies effects my time, and if it is, I need to budget more time for these events.

2. I will not hang up on person A when person B is calling, nor will I use call-waiting to tell person B that I am busy and will call them back, unless it is an urgent issue. Letting the call go to voicemail lets caller B know I am busy and will call them back! I will speak to the person I am on the phone with at the time with my full attention.

3. I will not answer my phone, text, or check the Internet while having an in-person conversation with someone, unless the situation warrants it. I will maintain full attention on the discussion, and will attend to my personal and work calls, emails, or texts after we are done talking.

4. I will make sure to end my phone calls or texting when I am dealing with a sales clerk, in line at the bank, in a movie or in a restaurant.

5. I will return phone calls in a timely manner. My life is no busier or no more important than anyone else’s, and it is not respectful to forget or delay a callback.

6. I will take responsibility for my actions and not make excuses for my problems. I will come up with reasonable solutions or strategies for problems, forgive my own mistakes, and seek forgiveness from those I offend.

7. I will find something each day that makes me smile, laugh, feel good about, or be grateful for - finding those ‘penguin moments’, as I have referred to in previous blogs.

Please feel free to comment with any additional goals you feel might enhance our lives. May you all be blessed with laughter, peace, success, love and friendships in the coming year.

Top Ten Things to Do Over the Winter Break with Your Family (especially if you are not traveling for vacation!)

We all come from different backgrounds and have different religious views. As I list my ideas for Winter Break, I am not focusing on religion, but some suggestions may emphasize the holidays that come at this time of year. Please know that I hope that everyone enjoys his or her holidays, but most importantly, I hope that you savor the time you have together over the next few weeks as a family. I have selected my top ten things to do. I hope they inspire you to make the next two weeks fun and memorable!

Number 10: Family Movie Night:
Pick out your favorite movies, make some popcorn or serve some hot chocolate, light a fire if you’re in a cold climate and have a fireplace, and have a movie night. If you are looking to get into the holiday spirit, here are some of my favorite suggestions for family holiday movies.
It’s a Wonderful Life
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
T’was the Night Before Christmas
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Miracle on 34th Street
A Christmas Carol
The Santa Clause
Christmas Vacation
And for my Jewish friends, there’s A Rugrat’s Chanukah
There’s No Such Thing as a Chanukah Bush, Sandy Goldstein

Number 9: Bake Cookies or Cakes
The importance of bringing joy to someone else is always an important lesson for children. First, take some important health precautions: make sure no one preparing the food is sick and wash little hands often in the preparation process. If you are bringing the treats to a nursing home or other community location, find out ahead of time if there are any dietary restrictions or restrictions on accepting home baked products. Otherwise you can always bring them to a grandparent, neighbor, or other friends or relatives.

Number 8: Gifts for a Needy Child or Family
This time of year is especially hard for many families who are struggling to afford the basic essentials in life. If you happen to be among the families struggling, please make sure to reach out to your community programs that offer assistance to provide meals, groceries, and toys. While you might be on the receiving end this year, know that when you have more fortunate circumstances, you can become the giver at that point. For those of you who are managing financially at this time, please think of those around you who might benefit from your generosity. Teach your children that the holiday spirit includes doing what you can to see that others enjoy the same necessities and pleasures that you do. Volunteer your time at a shelter or free meal facility, donate to toys for tots, go to your temple or church and see what needs people in your religious community have, or go to your post office to see if they support a Letters to Santa program, where you can obtain a letter from a child or family in need, and help fulfill their holiday wishes. Many shopping malls also have programs for giving as well. Have your children participate in the shopping or service project so they can understand the joy of giving.

Number 7: Discover Your City
Imagine that you are a visitor to Chicago. What places would you and your children want to see? Whether it’s the Botanic Gardens winter fest, walking down State Street, ice skating downtown or at Wrigley Field (it’s new this year), or visiting one of the many wonderful museums in our city or suburbs, take time to appreciate the beauty of our community. For a fun evening, check out some community holiday decorations. Vernon Hills Holiday Wonderland is still our family favorite for a local treat. There is something magically beautiful about this time of year, and enjoying it as a family is a treat.

Number 6: Pajama Day!
Imagine a day where you have no responsibilities, no obligations to drive carpools or step outside your own home! Stay in pajamas and play! Make a fort out of blankets, create an obstacle course, or play board games all day. Set out a blanket and have a picnic on the family room floor. Let your imagination run wild and have some old time, family fun.

Number 5: Create something from scratch!
It is so overwhelming to look at all the things that kids want, and the price tags attached. Do-it-yourself projects offer the reward of working together, creating something from scratch, and seeing how hard work and effort pay off. Need some ideas to get your brain charged? How about making a bed for your child’s doll? We designed beds, measured the pieces of wood we would need, bought the wood and had the store cut it to designed sizes (a $5 tip was all it took). Then we bought some sale priced material and batting, and found paints and nails in the house. We spent the day assembling, sanding and painting the wooden beds. The following day, we painted designs on the beds and made the mattresses, pillows and blankets. Store-bought beds for dolls run about $150; our price, $13.50 per bed (that includes the tip!). If you don’t have dolls that need a place to sleep, how about making a bird feeder? Home Depot and Menards have instruction guides and can help with supplies, or you can gather the information needed from the internet.

Number 4: Visit your Library
Reading day! Do you know your library has movies, music, puzzles and books? They have books on CD too! You can curl up on a couch in the children’s section of the library and share a story with your child. Go through the collections and find things to check out too! Teaching children to value reading for pleasure is one of the greatest gifts you can give to them.

Number 3: Arts and Crafts Day
I have wonderful memories as a child of creating sand art bottles, making Shrinky-Dink necklaces, and painting ceramic figures. To this day, I feel like I'm five years old again when I smell a tub of Playdoh. Remember squeezing the hair out of the Playdoh fun maker? Or how about ironing leaves and crayons between waxed paper to create a collage? There are so many fun craft ideas that are free or cost very little. Again, if you are short on the creative juices, go to the internet and search low cost craft ideas for children. Get out the glue, scissors, and construction paper and let your inner-child enjoy the day!

Number 2: Winter Fun
Ok, so while I feel that, as an adult, getting around in snow is horrible. But it is beautiful and fun from the child’s eye view! So, go out and enjoy the snow. Build a snowman or snow fort. Have a snowball fight. Go sledding on the local hill, go tobogganing on the bigger slopes in your community, or even snowboarding or skiing. Remember that safety comes first with all winter sports. Ski and snowboarding lessons are important, and if you can’t teach them all the information they need, sign them up for ski/snowboard school. Practice safe sledding too by making sure the hill is clear and kid-friendly. Remember the scene in It’s a Wonderful Life where Harry Bailey slides on the shovel into the lake that hadn’t quite frozen over? Accidents happen, but do your best to make sure you are showing your kids how to have safe fun! Don’t forget to dress appropriately for the weather too.

Number 1: Have a Kids’ New Year’s Party
For five years, we had wonderful parties for children in our neighborhood on New Year’s Eve. We decided that since midnight was just too late for the kids to stay up, we would make their very own New Year’s Eve party. The kids’ party went from 4:00-5:30 p.m. We had four groups of ten children, divided by age or friendships. Each group had one or two adult supervisors (adult friends of ours, those brave souls!). We found four separate areas of our house to hold each group, and kids rotated every 20 minutes to a different station for activities.
Kitchen: Snack – The favorite snack was build your own burger, but the burger consisted of 2 vanilla wafers (bun), green (pickles), yellow (mustard) and red (ketchup) frosting, and a Girl Scout Thin Mint (burger). I know it wouldn’t win any health awards, so we also offered fruit, water, and apple juice.
Family Room – BINGO – Traditional BINGO with prizes (pencils, stickers, erasers, nickels).

Bedroom – Charades (older kids) or Hot Potato (younger kids) - The group was divided into two teams and we played the traditional games. Because the room was small, the kids actually did really well in participating and not getting out of control!
Basement – Year Banner (2010, for example) – Each number could be cut out, glued onto construction paper, decorated with sequins, stars, stickers, markers, etc. We would punch two holes in the top of the paper and thread yarn through the holes to make a door hanger out of the banner.
THE GRAND FINALE – Each child’s admission to the party was one can of silly string. After the last game or snack rotation, the entire group put on coats and hats and went to the back yard. We counted down to “midnight”, and then everyone let the silly string fly! Make sure to let parents know to send the kids in older coats and clothes – one year we did this indoors (what was I thinking!) and the silly string did stick onto one girl’s shirt (sorry Mallory!). Overall, these parties were so much fun and I didn't feel bad having the kids go to bed at their typical bedtime because their party was so much fun. I was also able to enjoy my adult New Year’s Eve time as well!

If your kids are older, make sure you and they enjoy a safe New Year’s party. Set a good example and please, and don’t drink and drive. Know where your children are going, make sure the party is supervised, and limit the amount of time they are on the roads as much as possible.

Most of all have a happy, healthy holiday season filled with memories in the making. My wishes are for a wonderful 2010, filled with peace, happiness, and love.

Negotiating the Relationship Between Parents and Teens - An Ongoing Discussion

Many parents ask me how they can best communicate with and relate to their teenage children. It is a hard age, and a difficult time for both you and them. For the teens, they are working on their identities, trying to maintain a good sense of self-esteem, and negotiating the pressures of peers, schoolwork, and activities. They are exploring their independence, and with the added connectivity through the Internet and cell phones, teens also feel they need to be accessible 24-7 to their peers. Parents want to have some idea of what their children are ‘in to’, who their kids are hanging out with, if they are working to their best abilities at school, while also wanting some sense of organization and cleanliness around the house. When you look at the two lists of what each is striving for, they don’t always line up or make life easy for parents!

So how can a parent maintain a solid relationship and good communication with his or her teen while the teen is working on pulling away? This will be the first in a series of blogs targeting teens and their parents. Today’s blog will focus on parental expectations for teens at home. As kids get older, engage them in conversation about your expectations and what the logical or natural consequences will be if they don’t follow the guidelines. Don’t take the cell phone away for a messy room or ground them from friends because they didn’t put dishes away. Let the consequences be related to the situation. And make sure to provide plenty of positive attention and feedback when your teen is caught making great choices. If they only hear from us when they make mistakes or challenge authority, they will learn to seek our attention through those negative channels.

The teen bedroom:
Let teens’ rooms be their safe haven. As long as things aren’t growing and it’s not smelling badly, leave it be. Ask that the door be closed if it seems like, as Dorothy said, “it’s a twister.” If you have a cleaning service, explain to your teen that his room will be entered and cleaned only if the floor is accessible and the bed is reachable. If your teen chooses not to have it cleaned, it is your child’s responsibility to change and wash the sheets. Don’t panic if the sheets don’t get changed for a few weeks. Don’t rush in to get dirty laundry either. If it’s not in the laundry basket, it’s not your job. This is a great time for your teen to learn the responsibility of doing laundry!

The bathroom:
If you have a son, a major request is aim. Keep antibacterial wipes nearby, and if your son refuses to take aim, request that he wipe the seat or floor if he is wide of the target. Towels are another sore subject with teens and parents. The request is that the towels get hung back up to prevent mold and mildew. Explain that your child can choose to leave a towel on the floor, but you will not wash towels repeatedly if they aren’t hung up to dry. Your teen can easily do the towels if she chooses not to take proper care of them, and wants a clean smelling towel after a shower. As for counters and garbage, especially when teens share a bathroom with each other, common courtesy applies. Put things away after use, take the antibacterial wipe and clean off the counter when finished, especially if toothpaste is spit on the faucet! Keep kitchen garbage bags in the cabinet in the bathroom. When the garbage is overflowing, teens can grab a bag without leaving the room, fill it up, and bring it down to the garbage on the way out the door!

The living space:
This includes stairways, foyers, living rooms, family rooms, and kitchens. Most kids take off their shoes and pile them up near the front door. Make space nearby or in the hall closet to accommodate this. Coats seem to find their way onto railing posts. Make sure you have adequate hangers in your coat closet, and you can request that by the time kids make their way to their bedrooms for the night, coats are hung back into the closet. Backpacks can be kept either by the door or in a child’s room. If your house is like mine, there are always five pens laying around in the kitchen or family room. Find a drawer that is convenient in the kitchen area and designate it the ‘kids’ supply drawer.’ That’s where pens, pencils, paper clips, etc. go when finished.

You say, "You make it sound so easy...but it's NOT!"
If you noticed, many of my tips involve convenience for the teen. Having garbage bags, wipes, and other supplies where they’re needed will help to see the job gets done. It’s understandable with everything the teens are juggling, that they haven’t prioritized keeping your home organized and clean. Have a family meeting where you discuss your guidelines. Hear what the kids have to say about managing their living space. Most of the time, if you allow for their bedrooms to be teen-friendly, they will be more likely to respect the family living space in your house.

So then you ask, "But how can a parent follow through if THE KID doesn't follow through?"
If they choose to spread their supplies all over the house, the easiest remedy is the bag/box. Let the teens know that anything left laying around in the living space of the house will be bagged for five days. Explain the purpose of the rule (for example, “You haven’t been keeping your end of the bargain up by keeping the living space free from your clutter at the end of the day.”) Let them know that anything collected will be off limits for the five days – regardless of what the item is. The bag will be returned at the end of the five days, provided the teen puts the contents away. Don’t be afraid to put a cell phone, soccer equipment, coats and shoes, books or homework into the bag. Once you follow through, your teens will know you mean business and keep your living space uncluttered in the future. Emphasize that if your teen really values his property, he will put his things in their places. Just to let you know how this works, once I bagged items left lying around. My daughter decided she didn’t “need” any of the items, so I tucked it into the back of her closet for safekeeping. Years later, when she was cleaning out her closet to get ready to go to college (yes, YEARS LATER) she came across this bag. She found treasures that were “misplaced” long ago!

Remember to visit this blog as there’s lots more to be shared on the subject of teens and parents. This is a turbulent yet wonderful time in both of your lives. Please realize that some of these guidelines may not work for your teen, as all teens are not created equally, and all parent-child relationships are unique. Try to remember back when you were the teen when trying to negotiate this time in your life. All generations find their own ways to rebel and to create their own sense of independence. Let them make decisions, positive and negative, as they test out their roles. Be there to support them when a decision goes wrong, and I hope and pray that any misjudgment by your teen will be a safe learning experience on his or her road towards adulthood. Of course, if you know your child is making unhealthy choices, you need to step in and provide strong guidance and consequences. But keep in mind also that the best way to learn many of life’s lessons is to experience mistakes, manage them, and correct them for the future.

With Gratitude...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday for so many reasons. First, it was the weekend that I was married, almost twenty-three years ago. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who has always encouraged me to live my dreams. For that, I am forever grateful. It also is a holiday filled with some very enjoyable traditions. I will share mine here, and ask that each of you share one or two special traditions that make this holiday important to you as well. If you haven’t found a way to enliven the day with your own sense of spirit and fun, please think about what you can do to take it up a notch – really put the pizzazz into your Thanksgiving with interpersonal touches that embrace the warm sense of the holiday’s intention, to be thankful for all that surrounds you.

Our typical Thanksgiving begins early. My husband makes a killer apple pancake, and we invite one family to enjoy the breakfast, friends from my husband’s childhood who have joined us for more than ten years now. They bring the milk and orange juice (pulp free of course) and we supply the rest. The kids eat, then run off and enjoy the special time together, playing games, watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, and creating treasure hunts. After the table is cleared, my friend and I first scavenge through the coupons that fill the newspaper, and then compare size of turkeys, cooking methods, and preparation times. The men sit on the couch, reading the paper and watching the football pre-game show.

Guests arrive at 5 p.m. From the moment they come in, take-home containers in hand, there is chatter and laughter filling the house. The food is of course an important presence, but it’s the fun and connections that truly make the holiday special.

The Thanksgiving meal begins with each person at the table sharing what he or she is grateful for. My sister once gave us a small stone with the word “gratitude” engraved on it. It is passed around as everyone shares his or her blessings, praises life’s successes, cries happy tears for the joyous moments, and sad tears for those missing at the table. As a family and friends, we are growing up together, and sharing gratitude with each other holds very special meaning for us all.

After dinner, containers come out, and everyone fills them with leftovers. Each person who brings a dish makes sure to make extra so that the Thanksgiving meal can be enjoyed again, even if you aren’t the host of the party! And then the games begin. Anyone who comes to our house for Thanksgiving knows to bring a white elephant. This is a somewhat used, somewhat undesired left over item, carefully and beautifully wrapped. A game is played using dice, and the wrapped treasures are awarded if a six is rolled. Once all packages are accounted for, the gifts are opened and each person describes what is inside. There are typically some special gifts, like a vase or BBQ tools. And there are the really special gifts, the most sought after fish pen that comes back year after year or the George Foreman autograph, on a Foreman Grill postcard. Then the excitement starts as dice are once again tossed, and every six rolled allows the roller to steal a gift. When the timer goes off, what is in front of you is what you take home.

Following that craziness, the trivia contest starts. We pair up our guests somewhat randomly; one of the young guests is paired with an older guest. It’s a great way for two generations to bond and share fun and knowledge together. This year, we’re taking away all cell phones so Internet googling to find answers won’t give one team an advantage. Prizes are awarded, and laughter fills the air.

While every year brings stress and struggle in some form or another to everyone, it is most important to take time to reflect on the big or small gratitudes, successes, or triumphs in life. As you enjoy your Thanksgiving, whether on your own or in a group, please make sure to identify the positive influences in your life. If you don’t already have some traditions that make this holiday stand out, think about what you can do to bring special meaning to the day.

Don’t forget to add your comments here with your own gratitudes and traditions. Also, let me know if you would like to get more detailed instructions for the white elephant game or need some quick, easy recipes for stuffing, pies: pecan, pumpkin, French silk, and key lime; each pie has less than six ingredients and tastes fantastic. Most of all, know that each one of you reading this has, in some way or another, touched my life, and for that I am grateful.

On Notes Left Behind...

I just finished reading a very special book, Notes Left Behind, by Brooke and Keith Desserich. It was an inspiring and difficult read, as parents Brooke and Keith journal from the day of diagnosis through the death of their beautiful six-year-old daughter from pediatric brain cancer. The title refers to the wonderful collection of notes that Elena left for them, scattered throughout their home, hidden in bookcases, briefcases, and pillow cases, professing her love for her parents and sister. The painful process for these parents to continue on each day as their precious child fought gallantly for her life is heartwarming and heartbreaking.

The book is filled with reminders to parents to embrace each sacred moment you have with your children. Since I work to help children and parents notice the positives amidst the chaos of their everyday lives, the journal spoke to me on so many levels. We never know what tomorrow will bring, therefore it is so important to live each day as if it is the most precious one of your life.

Yesterday, I happened to call a friend at a critical point in her day. She was feeling the stress of life, and my lunch request was her ticket to break from the seriousness and enjoy a part of her afternoon. How it made me smile when, later that evening, I received a voice mail from her stating how valuable our friendship was and that, somehow, I had that sixth sense to call at just the right moment. She shared how important it was for her to make sure I knew all of this. How often do we think these thoughts, and then get on with our busy days? How often are the last words to our children, as they rush out the door in the morning, “You forgot to make your bed!” instead of “I love you and hope you have a great day!” When was the last time you told your spouse how valuable he is in your life, and why? Or called your sister, brother, or parents to let them know you were thinking of them?

Our lives are filled with financial worries, health concerns, parenting woes, relationship struggles, world chaos and day-to-day stress that can overwhelm any one of us at any minute. It would be easy to want to push the alarm button, pull the covers over our heads, and hide out from the new day of potential disasters. But instead, when you wake up tomorrow morning, walk into the bathroom, look into the mirror, and identify your strength. Whether it’s your caring eyes, your engaging smile, your kind, warm heart, or your wonderful pancakes – begin your day excited to share yourself with the world.

When you see your spouse or children for the first time tomorrow morning, don’t focus on the rush to get moving. Instead, cuddle, embrace, and share a warm thought. Most of you reading this will think to yourself, “Who has that kind of time?” Remind yourself that the two minutes of caring and connecting will actually speed up the tired child or create intimate warmth between you and your spouse. These little kindnesses really make a difference!

See what happens when you spend your day letting the people around you know that they have made a positive impact on your day. Thank the grocery clerk for her hard work, standing on her feet all day. Don’t talk on your cell phone while the bank teller waits on you; give him eye contact, and thank him for the good service. Let the car that is anxious to get in front of you do so, and smile as he passes by. Let go of the hostility, anger, rush, and worry, and replace it with patience, gratitude, warmth, and kindness. Feel the tension relax from the lines in your face as you continue this throughout your day. You will find a renewed sense of energy and bounce in your step!

Shifting our focus and attitude does not come easy. It takes practice and patience for us. But if the Desserich’s story has taught me anything, it is that everything we fret about is what we desire when we are facing tragedy in our lives. The bickering between siblings, the mundane chores, the long grocery line – how different do you look at those things when you realize it represents that your family is happy, healthy, or even just with you?