On PROUD

During the past few weeks, several people have approached me and asked what happened to PROUD. For those of you unfamiliar with this, I was the co-chair of a wonderful community coalition, Stevenson Community PROUD (People Rallying to Oppose Underage Drinking) for several years. It was born out of concern for our youth after several students in a neighboring community died as a result of underage drinking. We did not want our community suffer a similar fate. This coalition, made up of high school students, parents, educators, and community leaders worked together to educate the community on the dangers of underage drinking.

Last year, PROUD was disbanded. To all those actively involved, it was a sad time. We had worked together for four years and truly made an impact in our community. With guidance from the Lake County Lake County Underage Drinking Prevention Task Force, we worked to redefine the social norm around underage drinking in our community. We organized a parent folder to hand out during Stevenson’s parent open house, containing wonderful materials on the statistics of underage drinking in the north suburbs as well as educational handouts on the effects of alcohol on the developing brain. We collaborated with several other communities, Deerfield and Lake Forest/Lake Bluff, to share information and resources. We held 18 parent coffees where we shared concerns, stories, and strategies. And we helped the students find their voices – that being alcohol-free was a good norm to strive for. Five Stevenson seniors, who worked side by side with us from the beginning of PROUD in their sophomore year, earned Prominent Patriot awards prior to their graduation. This recognition of honor and distinction from their high school confirmed that healthy choices lead to positive rewards.

I’m sure all those reading this are asking themselves, “So why disband?” In the Stevenson High School district, which is fed by more than five junior high schools, we have roughly 4500 students. Considering each family has, on average, two children, those students represent about 2250 families. While many parents applauded the work of PROUD, very few attended meetings. The work of PROUD was carried out by a very small group of highly dedicated people, and the volunteers who began the coalition lost their energy over time. Some had children who graduated the halls of high school and had moved on. Some community leaders found the lack of attendance concerning, and shifted their energy to other causes. The students who had begun this mission moved on to college, and it was difficult to bring new ones on board when the adult leadership was dwindling simultaneously.

But the message of the coalition still remains an important one today, as I hear more and more stories of students as young as 12 years old drinking and mass arrests by our local police force of underage drinking parties and their host parents. With the increased use of cell phones by students, parents are communicating with each other less and less, and teens are empowered to embark on risky behavior without consequence.

So, to those parents who have been asking about PROUD, I will be dedicating the next few blogs to the information and resources that PROUD offered. With the summer upon us, it is my hope that parents will find support and guidance to help their children live substance-free lives. If PROUD couldn’t rally physical support at meetings, perhaps in the virtual world of blogging, facebook, or twitter, we can create such a buzz about prevention that the mission of PROUD can live on, and therefore, so will our children.

Mission Statement: “Stevenson Community PROUD educates and empowers parents, students, and the community to prevent underage drinking and promotes safety and well being for everyone.”

Top Ten Things to Do Over the Winter Break with Your Family (especially if you are not traveling for vacation!)

We all come from different backgrounds and have different religious views. As I list my ideas for Winter Break, I am not focusing on religion, but some suggestions may emphasize the holidays that come at this time of year. Please know that I hope that everyone enjoys his or her holidays, but most importantly, I hope that you savor the time you have together over the next few weeks as a family. I have selected my top ten things to do. I hope they inspire you to make the next two weeks fun and memorable!

Number 10: Family Movie Night:
Pick out your favorite movies, make some popcorn or serve some hot chocolate, light a fire if you’re in a cold climate and have a fireplace, and have a movie night. If you are looking to get into the holiday spirit, here are some of my favorite suggestions for family holiday movies.
It’s a Wonderful Life
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
T’was the Night Before Christmas
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Miracle on 34th Street
A Christmas Carol
The Santa Clause
Christmas Vacation
And for my Jewish friends, there’s A Rugrat’s Chanukah
There’s No Such Thing as a Chanukah Bush, Sandy Goldstein

Number 9: Bake Cookies or Cakes
The importance of bringing joy to someone else is always an important lesson for children. First, take some important health precautions: make sure no one preparing the food is sick and wash little hands often in the preparation process. If you are bringing the treats to a nursing home or other community location, find out ahead of time if there are any dietary restrictions or restrictions on accepting home baked products. Otherwise you can always bring them to a grandparent, neighbor, or other friends or relatives.

Number 8: Gifts for a Needy Child or Family
This time of year is especially hard for many families who are struggling to afford the basic essentials in life. If you happen to be among the families struggling, please make sure to reach out to your community programs that offer assistance to provide meals, groceries, and toys. While you might be on the receiving end this year, know that when you have more fortunate circumstances, you can become the giver at that point. For those of you who are managing financially at this time, please think of those around you who might benefit from your generosity. Teach your children that the holiday spirit includes doing what you can to see that others enjoy the same necessities and pleasures that you do. Volunteer your time at a shelter or free meal facility, donate to toys for tots, go to your temple or church and see what needs people in your religious community have, or go to your post office to see if they support a Letters to Santa program, where you can obtain a letter from a child or family in need, and help fulfill their holiday wishes. Many shopping malls also have programs for giving as well. Have your children participate in the shopping or service project so they can understand the joy of giving.

Number 7: Discover Your City
Imagine that you are a visitor to Chicago. What places would you and your children want to see? Whether it’s the Botanic Gardens winter fest, walking down State Street, ice skating downtown or at Wrigley Field (it’s new this year), or visiting one of the many wonderful museums in our city or suburbs, take time to appreciate the beauty of our community. For a fun evening, check out some community holiday decorations. Vernon Hills Holiday Wonderland is still our family favorite for a local treat. There is something magically beautiful about this time of year, and enjoying it as a family is a treat.

Number 6: Pajama Day!
Imagine a day where you have no responsibilities, no obligations to drive carpools or step outside your own home! Stay in pajamas and play! Make a fort out of blankets, create an obstacle course, or play board games all day. Set out a blanket and have a picnic on the family room floor. Let your imagination run wild and have some old time, family fun.

Number 5: Create something from scratch!
It is so overwhelming to look at all the things that kids want, and the price tags attached. Do-it-yourself projects offer the reward of working together, creating something from scratch, and seeing how hard work and effort pay off. Need some ideas to get your brain charged? How about making a bed for your child’s doll? We designed beds, measured the pieces of wood we would need, bought the wood and had the store cut it to designed sizes (a $5 tip was all it took). Then we bought some sale priced material and batting, and found paints and nails in the house. We spent the day assembling, sanding and painting the wooden beds. The following day, we painted designs on the beds and made the mattresses, pillows and blankets. Store-bought beds for dolls run about $150; our price, $13.50 per bed (that includes the tip!). If you don’t have dolls that need a place to sleep, how about making a bird feeder? Home Depot and Menards have instruction guides and can help with supplies, or you can gather the information needed from the internet.

Number 4: Visit your Library
Reading day! Do you know your library has movies, music, puzzles and books? They have books on CD too! You can curl up on a couch in the children’s section of the library and share a story with your child. Go through the collections and find things to check out too! Teaching children to value reading for pleasure is one of the greatest gifts you can give to them.

Number 3: Arts and Crafts Day
I have wonderful memories as a child of creating sand art bottles, making Shrinky-Dink necklaces, and painting ceramic figures. To this day, I feel like I'm five years old again when I smell a tub of Playdoh. Remember squeezing the hair out of the Playdoh fun maker? Or how about ironing leaves and crayons between waxed paper to create a collage? There are so many fun craft ideas that are free or cost very little. Again, if you are short on the creative juices, go to the internet and search low cost craft ideas for children. Get out the glue, scissors, and construction paper and let your inner-child enjoy the day!

Number 2: Winter Fun
Ok, so while I feel that, as an adult, getting around in snow is horrible. But it is beautiful and fun from the child’s eye view! So, go out and enjoy the snow. Build a snowman or snow fort. Have a snowball fight. Go sledding on the local hill, go tobogganing on the bigger slopes in your community, or even snowboarding or skiing. Remember that safety comes first with all winter sports. Ski and snowboarding lessons are important, and if you can’t teach them all the information they need, sign them up for ski/snowboard school. Practice safe sledding too by making sure the hill is clear and kid-friendly. Remember the scene in It’s a Wonderful Life where Harry Bailey slides on the shovel into the lake that hadn’t quite frozen over? Accidents happen, but do your best to make sure you are showing your kids how to have safe fun! Don’t forget to dress appropriately for the weather too.

Number 1: Have a Kids’ New Year’s Party
For five years, we had wonderful parties for children in our neighborhood on New Year’s Eve. We decided that since midnight was just too late for the kids to stay up, we would make their very own New Year’s Eve party. The kids’ party went from 4:00-5:30 p.m. We had four groups of ten children, divided by age or friendships. Each group had one or two adult supervisors (adult friends of ours, those brave souls!). We found four separate areas of our house to hold each group, and kids rotated every 20 minutes to a different station for activities.
Kitchen: Snack – The favorite snack was build your own burger, but the burger consisted of 2 vanilla wafers (bun), green (pickles), yellow (mustard) and red (ketchup) frosting, and a Girl Scout Thin Mint (burger). I know it wouldn’t win any health awards, so we also offered fruit, water, and apple juice.
Family Room – BINGO – Traditional BINGO with prizes (pencils, stickers, erasers, nickels).

Bedroom – Charades (older kids) or Hot Potato (younger kids) - The group was divided into two teams and we played the traditional games. Because the room was small, the kids actually did really well in participating and not getting out of control!
Basement – Year Banner (2010, for example) – Each number could be cut out, glued onto construction paper, decorated with sequins, stars, stickers, markers, etc. We would punch two holes in the top of the paper and thread yarn through the holes to make a door hanger out of the banner.
THE GRAND FINALE – Each child’s admission to the party was one can of silly string. After the last game or snack rotation, the entire group put on coats and hats and went to the back yard. We counted down to “midnight”, and then everyone let the silly string fly! Make sure to let parents know to send the kids in older coats and clothes – one year we did this indoors (what was I thinking!) and the silly string did stick onto one girl’s shirt (sorry Mallory!). Overall, these parties were so much fun and I didn't feel bad having the kids go to bed at their typical bedtime because their party was so much fun. I was also able to enjoy my adult New Year’s Eve time as well!

If your kids are older, make sure you and they enjoy a safe New Year’s party. Set a good example and please, and don’t drink and drive. Know where your children are going, make sure the party is supervised, and limit the amount of time they are on the roads as much as possible.

Most of all have a happy, healthy holiday season filled with memories in the making. My wishes are for a wonderful 2010, filled with peace, happiness, and love.

Negotiating the Relationship Between Parents and Teens - An Ongoing Discussion

Many parents ask me how they can best communicate with and relate to their teenage children. It is a hard age, and a difficult time for both you and them. For the teens, they are working on their identities, trying to maintain a good sense of self-esteem, and negotiating the pressures of peers, schoolwork, and activities. They are exploring their independence, and with the added connectivity through the Internet and cell phones, teens also feel they need to be accessible 24-7 to their peers. Parents want to have some idea of what their children are ‘in to’, who their kids are hanging out with, if they are working to their best abilities at school, while also wanting some sense of organization and cleanliness around the house. When you look at the two lists of what each is striving for, they don’t always line up or make life easy for parents!

So how can a parent maintain a solid relationship and good communication with his or her teen while the teen is working on pulling away? This will be the first in a series of blogs targeting teens and their parents. Today’s blog will focus on parental expectations for teens at home. As kids get older, engage them in conversation about your expectations and what the logical or natural consequences will be if they don’t follow the guidelines. Don’t take the cell phone away for a messy room or ground them from friends because they didn’t put dishes away. Let the consequences be related to the situation. And make sure to provide plenty of positive attention and feedback when your teen is caught making great choices. If they only hear from us when they make mistakes or challenge authority, they will learn to seek our attention through those negative channels.

The teen bedroom:
Let teens’ rooms be their safe haven. As long as things aren’t growing and it’s not smelling badly, leave it be. Ask that the door be closed if it seems like, as Dorothy said, “it’s a twister.” If you have a cleaning service, explain to your teen that his room will be entered and cleaned only if the floor is accessible and the bed is reachable. If your teen chooses not to have it cleaned, it is your child’s responsibility to change and wash the sheets. Don’t panic if the sheets don’t get changed for a few weeks. Don’t rush in to get dirty laundry either. If it’s not in the laundry basket, it’s not your job. This is a great time for your teen to learn the responsibility of doing laundry!

The bathroom:
If you have a son, a major request is aim. Keep antibacterial wipes nearby, and if your son refuses to take aim, request that he wipe the seat or floor if he is wide of the target. Towels are another sore subject with teens and parents. The request is that the towels get hung back up to prevent mold and mildew. Explain that your child can choose to leave a towel on the floor, but you will not wash towels repeatedly if they aren’t hung up to dry. Your teen can easily do the towels if she chooses not to take proper care of them, and wants a clean smelling towel after a shower. As for counters and garbage, especially when teens share a bathroom with each other, common courtesy applies. Put things away after use, take the antibacterial wipe and clean off the counter when finished, especially if toothpaste is spit on the faucet! Keep kitchen garbage bags in the cabinet in the bathroom. When the garbage is overflowing, teens can grab a bag without leaving the room, fill it up, and bring it down to the garbage on the way out the door!

The living space:
This includes stairways, foyers, living rooms, family rooms, and kitchens. Most kids take off their shoes and pile them up near the front door. Make space nearby or in the hall closet to accommodate this. Coats seem to find their way onto railing posts. Make sure you have adequate hangers in your coat closet, and you can request that by the time kids make their way to their bedrooms for the night, coats are hung back into the closet. Backpacks can be kept either by the door or in a child’s room. If your house is like mine, there are always five pens laying around in the kitchen or family room. Find a drawer that is convenient in the kitchen area and designate it the ‘kids’ supply drawer.’ That’s where pens, pencils, paper clips, etc. go when finished.

You say, "You make it sound so easy...but it's NOT!"
If you noticed, many of my tips involve convenience for the teen. Having garbage bags, wipes, and other supplies where they’re needed will help to see the job gets done. It’s understandable with everything the teens are juggling, that they haven’t prioritized keeping your home organized and clean. Have a family meeting where you discuss your guidelines. Hear what the kids have to say about managing their living space. Most of the time, if you allow for their bedrooms to be teen-friendly, they will be more likely to respect the family living space in your house.

So then you ask, "But how can a parent follow through if THE KID doesn't follow through?"
If they choose to spread their supplies all over the house, the easiest remedy is the bag/box. Let the teens know that anything left laying around in the living space of the house will be bagged for five days. Explain the purpose of the rule (for example, “You haven’t been keeping your end of the bargain up by keeping the living space free from your clutter at the end of the day.”) Let them know that anything collected will be off limits for the five days – regardless of what the item is. The bag will be returned at the end of the five days, provided the teen puts the contents away. Don’t be afraid to put a cell phone, soccer equipment, coats and shoes, books or homework into the bag. Once you follow through, your teens will know you mean business and keep your living space uncluttered in the future. Emphasize that if your teen really values his property, he will put his things in their places. Just to let you know how this works, once I bagged items left lying around. My daughter decided she didn’t “need” any of the items, so I tucked it into the back of her closet for safekeeping. Years later, when she was cleaning out her closet to get ready to go to college (yes, YEARS LATER) she came across this bag. She found treasures that were “misplaced” long ago!

Remember to visit this blog as there’s lots more to be shared on the subject of teens and parents. This is a turbulent yet wonderful time in both of your lives. Please realize that some of these guidelines may not work for your teen, as all teens are not created equally, and all parent-child relationships are unique. Try to remember back when you were the teen when trying to negotiate this time in your life. All generations find their own ways to rebel and to create their own sense of independence. Let them make decisions, positive and negative, as they test out their roles. Be there to support them when a decision goes wrong, and I hope and pray that any misjudgment by your teen will be a safe learning experience on his or her road towards adulthood. Of course, if you know your child is making unhealthy choices, you need to step in and provide strong guidance and consequences. But keep in mind also that the best way to learn many of life’s lessons is to experience mistakes, manage them, and correct them for the future.