Bring on the New Year!

As the first decade of the 21^st century comes to a close, let’s take a few moments to set some goals for 2010. I don’t want this to be a list of resolutions that are filled with unrealistic expectations. If we do, by mid-January, we'll end up hanging our heads, feeling miserable at our lack of success. Instead, I want to identify goals that focus on respect, simple kindnesses, and bringing happiness to ourselves and others.

Watching one of my favorite Christmas movies this past week, It’s a Wonderful Life, Clarence, the guardian angel, shared a very important concept when he stated, “Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?” We need to be conscious of the lives we touch each and every day, and make sure that we are paying attention to those around us, even during those inconsequential moments we sometimes don’t even consider important.

Please examine the list and identify the ones that you think will make a positive change in your life or the lives of the people with whom you interact. Then, when the ball drops and welcomes in 2010, let’s make a positive difference in our world.

1. I will wait as I let someone else merge into my lane ahead of me while driving, or let someone with fewer items go ahead of me in the grocery line, Life should not be so rushed that offering common courtesies effects my time, and if it is, I need to budget more time for these events.

2. I will not hang up on person A when person B is calling, nor will I use call-waiting to tell person B that I am busy and will call them back, unless it is an urgent issue. Letting the call go to voicemail lets caller B know I am busy and will call them back! I will speak to the person I am on the phone with at the time with my full attention.

3. I will not answer my phone, text, or check the Internet while having an in-person conversation with someone, unless the situation warrants it. I will maintain full attention on the discussion, and will attend to my personal and work calls, emails, or texts after we are done talking.

4. I will make sure to end my phone calls or texting when I am dealing with a sales clerk, in line at the bank, in a movie or in a restaurant.

5. I will return phone calls in a timely manner. My life is no busier or no more important than anyone else’s, and it is not respectful to forget or delay a callback.

6. I will take responsibility for my actions and not make excuses for my problems. I will come up with reasonable solutions or strategies for problems, forgive my own mistakes, and seek forgiveness from those I offend.

7. I will find something each day that makes me smile, laugh, feel good about, or be grateful for - finding those ‘penguin moments’, as I have referred to in previous blogs.

Please feel free to comment with any additional goals you feel might enhance our lives. May you all be blessed with laughter, peace, success, love and friendships in the coming year.

Top Ten Things to Do Over the Winter Break with Your Family (especially if you are not traveling for vacation!)

We all come from different backgrounds and have different religious views. As I list my ideas for Winter Break, I am not focusing on religion, but some suggestions may emphasize the holidays that come at this time of year. Please know that I hope that everyone enjoys his or her holidays, but most importantly, I hope that you savor the time you have together over the next few weeks as a family. I have selected my top ten things to do. I hope they inspire you to make the next two weeks fun and memorable!

Number 10: Family Movie Night:
Pick out your favorite movies, make some popcorn or serve some hot chocolate, light a fire if you’re in a cold climate and have a fireplace, and have a movie night. If you are looking to get into the holiday spirit, here are some of my favorite suggestions for family holiday movies.
It’s a Wonderful Life
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
T’was the Night Before Christmas
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Miracle on 34th Street
A Christmas Carol
The Santa Clause
Christmas Vacation
And for my Jewish friends, there’s A Rugrat’s Chanukah
There’s No Such Thing as a Chanukah Bush, Sandy Goldstein

Number 9: Bake Cookies or Cakes
The importance of bringing joy to someone else is always an important lesson for children. First, take some important health precautions: make sure no one preparing the food is sick and wash little hands often in the preparation process. If you are bringing the treats to a nursing home or other community location, find out ahead of time if there are any dietary restrictions or restrictions on accepting home baked products. Otherwise you can always bring them to a grandparent, neighbor, or other friends or relatives.

Number 8: Gifts for a Needy Child or Family
This time of year is especially hard for many families who are struggling to afford the basic essentials in life. If you happen to be among the families struggling, please make sure to reach out to your community programs that offer assistance to provide meals, groceries, and toys. While you might be on the receiving end this year, know that when you have more fortunate circumstances, you can become the giver at that point. For those of you who are managing financially at this time, please think of those around you who might benefit from your generosity. Teach your children that the holiday spirit includes doing what you can to see that others enjoy the same necessities and pleasures that you do. Volunteer your time at a shelter or free meal facility, donate to toys for tots, go to your temple or church and see what needs people in your religious community have, or go to your post office to see if they support a Letters to Santa program, where you can obtain a letter from a child or family in need, and help fulfill their holiday wishes. Many shopping malls also have programs for giving as well. Have your children participate in the shopping or service project so they can understand the joy of giving.

Number 7: Discover Your City
Imagine that you are a visitor to Chicago. What places would you and your children want to see? Whether it’s the Botanic Gardens winter fest, walking down State Street, ice skating downtown or at Wrigley Field (it’s new this year), or visiting one of the many wonderful museums in our city or suburbs, take time to appreciate the beauty of our community. For a fun evening, check out some community holiday decorations. Vernon Hills Holiday Wonderland is still our family favorite for a local treat. There is something magically beautiful about this time of year, and enjoying it as a family is a treat.

Number 6: Pajama Day!
Imagine a day where you have no responsibilities, no obligations to drive carpools or step outside your own home! Stay in pajamas and play! Make a fort out of blankets, create an obstacle course, or play board games all day. Set out a blanket and have a picnic on the family room floor. Let your imagination run wild and have some old time, family fun.

Number 5: Create something from scratch!
It is so overwhelming to look at all the things that kids want, and the price tags attached. Do-it-yourself projects offer the reward of working together, creating something from scratch, and seeing how hard work and effort pay off. Need some ideas to get your brain charged? How about making a bed for your child’s doll? We designed beds, measured the pieces of wood we would need, bought the wood and had the store cut it to designed sizes (a $5 tip was all it took). Then we bought some sale priced material and batting, and found paints and nails in the house. We spent the day assembling, sanding and painting the wooden beds. The following day, we painted designs on the beds and made the mattresses, pillows and blankets. Store-bought beds for dolls run about $150; our price, $13.50 per bed (that includes the tip!). If you don’t have dolls that need a place to sleep, how about making a bird feeder? Home Depot and Menards have instruction guides and can help with supplies, or you can gather the information needed from the internet.

Number 4: Visit your Library
Reading day! Do you know your library has movies, music, puzzles and books? They have books on CD too! You can curl up on a couch in the children’s section of the library and share a story with your child. Go through the collections and find things to check out too! Teaching children to value reading for pleasure is one of the greatest gifts you can give to them.

Number 3: Arts and Crafts Day
I have wonderful memories as a child of creating sand art bottles, making Shrinky-Dink necklaces, and painting ceramic figures. To this day, I feel like I'm five years old again when I smell a tub of Playdoh. Remember squeezing the hair out of the Playdoh fun maker? Or how about ironing leaves and crayons between waxed paper to create a collage? There are so many fun craft ideas that are free or cost very little. Again, if you are short on the creative juices, go to the internet and search low cost craft ideas for children. Get out the glue, scissors, and construction paper and let your inner-child enjoy the day!

Number 2: Winter Fun
Ok, so while I feel that, as an adult, getting around in snow is horrible. But it is beautiful and fun from the child’s eye view! So, go out and enjoy the snow. Build a snowman or snow fort. Have a snowball fight. Go sledding on the local hill, go tobogganing on the bigger slopes in your community, or even snowboarding or skiing. Remember that safety comes first with all winter sports. Ski and snowboarding lessons are important, and if you can’t teach them all the information they need, sign them up for ski/snowboard school. Practice safe sledding too by making sure the hill is clear and kid-friendly. Remember the scene in It’s a Wonderful Life where Harry Bailey slides on the shovel into the lake that hadn’t quite frozen over? Accidents happen, but do your best to make sure you are showing your kids how to have safe fun! Don’t forget to dress appropriately for the weather too.

Number 1: Have a Kids’ New Year’s Party
For five years, we had wonderful parties for children in our neighborhood on New Year’s Eve. We decided that since midnight was just too late for the kids to stay up, we would make their very own New Year’s Eve party. The kids’ party went from 4:00-5:30 p.m. We had four groups of ten children, divided by age or friendships. Each group had one or two adult supervisors (adult friends of ours, those brave souls!). We found four separate areas of our house to hold each group, and kids rotated every 20 minutes to a different station for activities.
Kitchen: Snack – The favorite snack was build your own burger, but the burger consisted of 2 vanilla wafers (bun), green (pickles), yellow (mustard) and red (ketchup) frosting, and a Girl Scout Thin Mint (burger). I know it wouldn’t win any health awards, so we also offered fruit, water, and apple juice.
Family Room – BINGO – Traditional BINGO with prizes (pencils, stickers, erasers, nickels).

Bedroom – Charades (older kids) or Hot Potato (younger kids) - The group was divided into two teams and we played the traditional games. Because the room was small, the kids actually did really well in participating and not getting out of control!
Basement – Year Banner (2010, for example) – Each number could be cut out, glued onto construction paper, decorated with sequins, stars, stickers, markers, etc. We would punch two holes in the top of the paper and thread yarn through the holes to make a door hanger out of the banner.
THE GRAND FINALE – Each child’s admission to the party was one can of silly string. After the last game or snack rotation, the entire group put on coats and hats and went to the back yard. We counted down to “midnight”, and then everyone let the silly string fly! Make sure to let parents know to send the kids in older coats and clothes – one year we did this indoors (what was I thinking!) and the silly string did stick onto one girl’s shirt (sorry Mallory!). Overall, these parties were so much fun and I didn't feel bad having the kids go to bed at their typical bedtime because their party was so much fun. I was also able to enjoy my adult New Year’s Eve time as well!

If your kids are older, make sure you and they enjoy a safe New Year’s party. Set a good example and please, and don’t drink and drive. Know where your children are going, make sure the party is supervised, and limit the amount of time they are on the roads as much as possible.

Most of all have a happy, healthy holiday season filled with memories in the making. My wishes are for a wonderful 2010, filled with peace, happiness, and love.

Negotiating the Relationship Between Parents and Teens - An Ongoing Discussion

Many parents ask me how they can best communicate with and relate to their teenage children. It is a hard age, and a difficult time for both you and them. For the teens, they are working on their identities, trying to maintain a good sense of self-esteem, and negotiating the pressures of peers, schoolwork, and activities. They are exploring their independence, and with the added connectivity through the Internet and cell phones, teens also feel they need to be accessible 24-7 to their peers. Parents want to have some idea of what their children are ‘in to’, who their kids are hanging out with, if they are working to their best abilities at school, while also wanting some sense of organization and cleanliness around the house. When you look at the two lists of what each is striving for, they don’t always line up or make life easy for parents!

So how can a parent maintain a solid relationship and good communication with his or her teen while the teen is working on pulling away? This will be the first in a series of blogs targeting teens and their parents. Today’s blog will focus on parental expectations for teens at home. As kids get older, engage them in conversation about your expectations and what the logical or natural consequences will be if they don’t follow the guidelines. Don’t take the cell phone away for a messy room or ground them from friends because they didn’t put dishes away. Let the consequences be related to the situation. And make sure to provide plenty of positive attention and feedback when your teen is caught making great choices. If they only hear from us when they make mistakes or challenge authority, they will learn to seek our attention through those negative channels.

The teen bedroom:
Let teens’ rooms be their safe haven. As long as things aren’t growing and it’s not smelling badly, leave it be. Ask that the door be closed if it seems like, as Dorothy said, “it’s a twister.” If you have a cleaning service, explain to your teen that his room will be entered and cleaned only if the floor is accessible and the bed is reachable. If your teen chooses not to have it cleaned, it is your child’s responsibility to change and wash the sheets. Don’t panic if the sheets don’t get changed for a few weeks. Don’t rush in to get dirty laundry either. If it’s not in the laundry basket, it’s not your job. This is a great time for your teen to learn the responsibility of doing laundry!

The bathroom:
If you have a son, a major request is aim. Keep antibacterial wipes nearby, and if your son refuses to take aim, request that he wipe the seat or floor if he is wide of the target. Towels are another sore subject with teens and parents. The request is that the towels get hung back up to prevent mold and mildew. Explain that your child can choose to leave a towel on the floor, but you will not wash towels repeatedly if they aren’t hung up to dry. Your teen can easily do the towels if she chooses not to take proper care of them, and wants a clean smelling towel after a shower. As for counters and garbage, especially when teens share a bathroom with each other, common courtesy applies. Put things away after use, take the antibacterial wipe and clean off the counter when finished, especially if toothpaste is spit on the faucet! Keep kitchen garbage bags in the cabinet in the bathroom. When the garbage is overflowing, teens can grab a bag without leaving the room, fill it up, and bring it down to the garbage on the way out the door!

The living space:
This includes stairways, foyers, living rooms, family rooms, and kitchens. Most kids take off their shoes and pile them up near the front door. Make space nearby or in the hall closet to accommodate this. Coats seem to find their way onto railing posts. Make sure you have adequate hangers in your coat closet, and you can request that by the time kids make their way to their bedrooms for the night, coats are hung back into the closet. Backpacks can be kept either by the door or in a child’s room. If your house is like mine, there are always five pens laying around in the kitchen or family room. Find a drawer that is convenient in the kitchen area and designate it the ‘kids’ supply drawer.’ That’s where pens, pencils, paper clips, etc. go when finished.

You say, "You make it sound so easy...but it's NOT!"
If you noticed, many of my tips involve convenience for the teen. Having garbage bags, wipes, and other supplies where they’re needed will help to see the job gets done. It’s understandable with everything the teens are juggling, that they haven’t prioritized keeping your home organized and clean. Have a family meeting where you discuss your guidelines. Hear what the kids have to say about managing their living space. Most of the time, if you allow for their bedrooms to be teen-friendly, they will be more likely to respect the family living space in your house.

So then you ask, "But how can a parent follow through if THE KID doesn't follow through?"
If they choose to spread their supplies all over the house, the easiest remedy is the bag/box. Let the teens know that anything left laying around in the living space of the house will be bagged for five days. Explain the purpose of the rule (for example, “You haven’t been keeping your end of the bargain up by keeping the living space free from your clutter at the end of the day.”) Let them know that anything collected will be off limits for the five days – regardless of what the item is. The bag will be returned at the end of the five days, provided the teen puts the contents away. Don’t be afraid to put a cell phone, soccer equipment, coats and shoes, books or homework into the bag. Once you follow through, your teens will know you mean business and keep your living space uncluttered in the future. Emphasize that if your teen really values his property, he will put his things in their places. Just to let you know how this works, once I bagged items left lying around. My daughter decided she didn’t “need” any of the items, so I tucked it into the back of her closet for safekeeping. Years later, when she was cleaning out her closet to get ready to go to college (yes, YEARS LATER) she came across this bag. She found treasures that were “misplaced” long ago!

Remember to visit this blog as there’s lots more to be shared on the subject of teens and parents. This is a turbulent yet wonderful time in both of your lives. Please realize that some of these guidelines may not work for your teen, as all teens are not created equally, and all parent-child relationships are unique. Try to remember back when you were the teen when trying to negotiate this time in your life. All generations find their own ways to rebel and to create their own sense of independence. Let them make decisions, positive and negative, as they test out their roles. Be there to support them when a decision goes wrong, and I hope and pray that any misjudgment by your teen will be a safe learning experience on his or her road towards adulthood. Of course, if you know your child is making unhealthy choices, you need to step in and provide strong guidance and consequences. But keep in mind also that the best way to learn many of life’s lessons is to experience mistakes, manage them, and correct them for the future.

With Gratitude...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday for so many reasons. First, it was the weekend that I was married, almost twenty-three years ago. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who has always encouraged me to live my dreams. For that, I am forever grateful. It also is a holiday filled with some very enjoyable traditions. I will share mine here, and ask that each of you share one or two special traditions that make this holiday important to you as well. If you haven’t found a way to enliven the day with your own sense of spirit and fun, please think about what you can do to take it up a notch – really put the pizzazz into your Thanksgiving with interpersonal touches that embrace the warm sense of the holiday’s intention, to be thankful for all that surrounds you.

Our typical Thanksgiving begins early. My husband makes a killer apple pancake, and we invite one family to enjoy the breakfast, friends from my husband’s childhood who have joined us for more than ten years now. They bring the milk and orange juice (pulp free of course) and we supply the rest. The kids eat, then run off and enjoy the special time together, playing games, watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, and creating treasure hunts. After the table is cleared, my friend and I first scavenge through the coupons that fill the newspaper, and then compare size of turkeys, cooking methods, and preparation times. The men sit on the couch, reading the paper and watching the football pre-game show.

Guests arrive at 5 p.m. From the moment they come in, take-home containers in hand, there is chatter and laughter filling the house. The food is of course an important presence, but it’s the fun and connections that truly make the holiday special.

The Thanksgiving meal begins with each person at the table sharing what he or she is grateful for. My sister once gave us a small stone with the word “gratitude” engraved on it. It is passed around as everyone shares his or her blessings, praises life’s successes, cries happy tears for the joyous moments, and sad tears for those missing at the table. As a family and friends, we are growing up together, and sharing gratitude with each other holds very special meaning for us all.

After dinner, containers come out, and everyone fills them with leftovers. Each person who brings a dish makes sure to make extra so that the Thanksgiving meal can be enjoyed again, even if you aren’t the host of the party! And then the games begin. Anyone who comes to our house for Thanksgiving knows to bring a white elephant. This is a somewhat used, somewhat undesired left over item, carefully and beautifully wrapped. A game is played using dice, and the wrapped treasures are awarded if a six is rolled. Once all packages are accounted for, the gifts are opened and each person describes what is inside. There are typically some special gifts, like a vase or BBQ tools. And there are the really special gifts, the most sought after fish pen that comes back year after year or the George Foreman autograph, on a Foreman Grill postcard. Then the excitement starts as dice are once again tossed, and every six rolled allows the roller to steal a gift. When the timer goes off, what is in front of you is what you take home.

Following that craziness, the trivia contest starts. We pair up our guests somewhat randomly; one of the young guests is paired with an older guest. It’s a great way for two generations to bond and share fun and knowledge together. This year, we’re taking away all cell phones so Internet googling to find answers won’t give one team an advantage. Prizes are awarded, and laughter fills the air.

While every year brings stress and struggle in some form or another to everyone, it is most important to take time to reflect on the big or small gratitudes, successes, or triumphs in life. As you enjoy your Thanksgiving, whether on your own or in a group, please make sure to identify the positive influences in your life. If you don’t already have some traditions that make this holiday stand out, think about what you can do to bring special meaning to the day.

Don’t forget to add your comments here with your own gratitudes and traditions. Also, let me know if you would like to get more detailed instructions for the white elephant game or need some quick, easy recipes for stuffing, pies: pecan, pumpkin, French silk, and key lime; each pie has less than six ingredients and tastes fantastic. Most of all, know that each one of you reading this has, in some way or another, touched my life, and for that I am grateful.

On Notes Left Behind...

I just finished reading a very special book, Notes Left Behind, by Brooke and Keith Desserich. It was an inspiring and difficult read, as parents Brooke and Keith journal from the day of diagnosis through the death of their beautiful six-year-old daughter from pediatric brain cancer. The title refers to the wonderful collection of notes that Elena left for them, scattered throughout their home, hidden in bookcases, briefcases, and pillow cases, professing her love for her parents and sister. The painful process for these parents to continue on each day as their precious child fought gallantly for her life is heartwarming and heartbreaking.

The book is filled with reminders to parents to embrace each sacred moment you have with your children. Since I work to help children and parents notice the positives amidst the chaos of their everyday lives, the journal spoke to me on so many levels. We never know what tomorrow will bring, therefore it is so important to live each day as if it is the most precious one of your life.

Yesterday, I happened to call a friend at a critical point in her day. She was feeling the stress of life, and my lunch request was her ticket to break from the seriousness and enjoy a part of her afternoon. How it made me smile when, later that evening, I received a voice mail from her stating how valuable our friendship was and that, somehow, I had that sixth sense to call at just the right moment. She shared how important it was for her to make sure I knew all of this. How often do we think these thoughts, and then get on with our busy days? How often are the last words to our children, as they rush out the door in the morning, “You forgot to make your bed!” instead of “I love you and hope you have a great day!” When was the last time you told your spouse how valuable he is in your life, and why? Or called your sister, brother, or parents to let them know you were thinking of them?

Our lives are filled with financial worries, health concerns, parenting woes, relationship struggles, world chaos and day-to-day stress that can overwhelm any one of us at any minute. It would be easy to want to push the alarm button, pull the covers over our heads, and hide out from the new day of potential disasters. But instead, when you wake up tomorrow morning, walk into the bathroom, look into the mirror, and identify your strength. Whether it’s your caring eyes, your engaging smile, your kind, warm heart, or your wonderful pancakes – begin your day excited to share yourself with the world.

When you see your spouse or children for the first time tomorrow morning, don’t focus on the rush to get moving. Instead, cuddle, embrace, and share a warm thought. Most of you reading this will think to yourself, “Who has that kind of time?” Remind yourself that the two minutes of caring and connecting will actually speed up the tired child or create intimate warmth between you and your spouse. These little kindnesses really make a difference!

See what happens when you spend your day letting the people around you know that they have made a positive impact on your day. Thank the grocery clerk for her hard work, standing on her feet all day. Don’t talk on your cell phone while the bank teller waits on you; give him eye contact, and thank him for the good service. Let the car that is anxious to get in front of you do so, and smile as he passes by. Let go of the hostility, anger, rush, and worry, and replace it with patience, gratitude, warmth, and kindness. Feel the tension relax from the lines in your face as you continue this throughout your day. You will find a renewed sense of energy and bounce in your step!

Shifting our focus and attitude does not come easy. It takes practice and patience for us. But if the Desserich’s story has taught me anything, it is that everything we fret about is what we desire when we are facing tragedy in our lives. The bickering between siblings, the mundane chores, the long grocery line – how different do you look at those things when you realize it represents that your family is happy, healthy, or even just with you?

Children with Social Reasoning Difficulties

I have always been a fan of Amelia Bedelia. She’s a character in a children’s book, and she takes life very literally. My favorite scene in one of her books occurred when she was playing baseball. She was on third base, and the next batter hit the ball. Her teammates told her to run home, so Amelia Bedelia ran to her house. Little did I know back when I was first reading about Amelia’s escapades that many of the children I work with live life much like Amelia’s character.

Children with social reasoning difficulties often communicate very literally. Hidden meanings, inferences, or sarcasm are quite confusing. In addition, they do not understand idioms. If you told a child with social reasoning difficulties that you had a green thumb, she might very well grab your hand to check it out. If the weatherman said it would be “raining cats and dogs,” this child might stare out the window all day waiting for the first animal to fall from the sky. Children with Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, Nonverbal Learning Disability, Seizure Disorder, and some with Attention Deficit Disorder struggle with understanding some of the social nuances that we come to understand as we mature.

How does this play out socially?

Children, or adults, for that matter, who see life in its most simple terms, very factually and literally, expect people to respond in a very predictable manner. The child with social reasoning difficulties often experiences anxiety, confusion, frustration, and feels annoyed when people don’t respond as expected.

Since thinking is so literal and concrete, statements feel like promises, and disappointment is often felt when those statements don’t happen. There are very few, if any, gray areas. If a parent tells a child that “we will try to get to the toy store,” but it turns out there isn’t enough time to go, the child feels let down because he heard it as a fact.

There is an inability to generalize information to other, similar situations. The child walks into many of his experiences without any preparation or understanding of what will happen, creating high anxiety. A child who learns to cope with life as a fourth grader is panicked at entry into fifth grade. He doesn’t use his prior knowledge to predict how his day will be.

When a situation has passed, talking about ‘what happened’ doesn’t really make sense because the experience has ended. While understanding how she dealt with an issue, what she can do differently next time, and how others reacted makes perfect sense to us, the child with social reasoning difficulties doesn’t make the connection between past and future experiences.

Some children want to have friendships, but don’t understand the social rules that go along with it. The child with social reasoning difficulties doesn’t have awareness of some of the basic friendship necessities, such as staying on topic, talking about mutual interests, taking turns, using eye contact, or attending to nonverbal cues.

How can we help teach social understanding?

The key to success is patience, understanding, and teaching. While typically developing children pick up on these lessons through life experiences, children with social learning difficulties don’t naturally attend to the very things that could guide them. So it is our job as parents, friends, teachers, social workers, and community members to assist. Here are some tools that each of us can use when we encounter a child who seems to fit the description.

Preview the experience. Carol Gray has coined the term 'social stories.' Basically, help the child prepare for what's coming through telling the social story of the situation. Going to a birthday party, getting ready for a new school year, going to a family gathering, or going on a trip all can be converted to a social story! While you can't predict every moment of a situation, you will relieve a great deal of anxiety by helping the child to understand what's going to occur. Here's an example if you're going to Grandma's for Thanksgiving:

Talk about who’s going to be there and who the child will probably sit near at the meal. Discuss the types of food to expect, and what to do if he doesn’t like some of the foods. Talk about what activities might be going on – football game on TV, kids playing games in the basement, or people helping clean dishes in the kitchen.

Compare and contrast. Helping a child to learn to generalize, or relate two different events, is crucial in reducing anxiety. Comparing and contrasting Thanksgiving at Grandma’s and Christmas at Aunt Lisa’s helps the child to make the connection between the holidays and get-togethers. Learning to identify commonalities helps the child to predict or anticipate his experiences.

Supervise and guide in the moment. Chronological age is not the predictor of social maturity. Children with social reasoning difficulties need direct guidance beyond the age typically expected. It is not unusual for a parent of a seventh grader with social difficulties who has a friend coming over to discuss activities that they can do, and then help negotiate transitions between those activities. As difficult as it might feel, remaining within earshot helps to guide the child in having a successful day with a friend.

Break down the abstract. It’s easier for us adults to explain things in a more literal fashion than to expect the child to understand the abstract or hidden messages. Here’s some examples of what we say, and how they’re heard:

"Wait a minute." This means, "I'm gonna count 60 seconds and then Mom will
answer me."

"Don't bother me now." Interpreted as, "I can bother her in 60 seconds."

"Can't you see that I'm busy?" The child might respond, "Yes, I see that you're busy, now answer my question."

It takes more time and thought for us to have to explain our intentions in a direct, concrete way, but it is so important in helping the child understand us. "I have to finish putting the steaks on the grill, and then I will help you with your homework" is much more concrete than "wait a minute." The child can visualize what will happen.

Cut out faces from magazines. Make cards from faces you cut out of magazines that depict different emotions and activities. Play games such as "What's the story?" or "What are they feeling?" with the cards. Teaching children to look at faces for social clues helps them begin to recognize feelings from facial expressions, and teaches them to tune into people's expressions for communication signals. Work to translate the face card recognition to real life by pointing out nonverbal expressions on people around you. An example of this might be, "Look at Daddy's smile - he is so happy to see you!"

If you know a child who resembles the description above, it is a good idea to read the book, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Marc Haddon. The author, a man who spent years working with autistic children, wrote this story from the perspective of a 15-year-old boy named Christopher, a child with autism. In it, Christopher negotiates the events of his life with the literal interpretation, peculiarities, and anxiety typical to children with social reasoning difficulties. Seeing his life as he feels it will open your eyes to the lives of these children. Understanding their view of the world is key to knowing how to guide and support them. These children represent one of my favorite groups of clients. Perhaps it is their innocent perspective on life, or maybe it’s their incredibly enduring spirits. Each one of them leaves an indelible mark on my heart because of their resilience, strength, and courage. While we have a lot to teach them about our fast-paced, sometimes cynical world, we can also learn a lot from them.

“Hey Mom, what’s for dinner?”

One of the most important things we can do with our children is share a meal together. If you’re like many families, finding time to prepare, let alone eat a meal together, amidst carpools for dance, soccer, Hebrew School, CCD, and violin practice is nearly impossible. Yet it is one of the most connecting times you can spend as a family. Take a look at what you can do to bring the family together for dinner at least 2-3 times each week. And let’s talk about what you can do to create harmony in your family during these times.

1) No cell phones, television, or other distractions. Treat this time as truly family-focused. Unless you, as a parent, are on call for your job, it is important for you to model the time as ‘family first’ by not answering your phone or allowing other things to distract you from this sacred time.

2) Don’t be a short order cook. When you plan your family meal, keep all members in mind. Make sure there is something on the table that each person will enjoy. This doesn’t mean you have to make 5 different entrees. Instead, make sure the vegetable, salad, or potato is something that even the pickiest eater will enjoy. Offer each member a taste bite of everything. This is really just a ‘pea-sized’ taste. Sometimes tasting a food over time will help develop a liking for it. But don’t force-feed the food. That creates more food issues with children than just exposing them to it and allowing them to experiment. I still don't eat green peppers or olives, and I think I'm doing ok!

3) Be creative. In our house, we once used a Sunday meal to taste different sauces. What the kids didn’t pay attention to was that they were actually eating chicken that they normally didn’t eat. But because we were tasting sauces, they attended to the teriyaki, BBQ, ketchup, honey-mustard, etc. that was on the table, and had a sheet of paper to rank each flavor. It was fun, and I learned that almost anything became edible if teriyaki sauce was used!

4) Serve your food family style, and let your little ones help themselves rather than put the food on their plates. All three of my kids were picky eaters. I was so frustrated when they were little because even spaghetti was on the list of ‘don’t like’. Spaghetti – who ever heard of a kid who didn’t eat spaghetti! One day, I was running late and didn’t have time to fully prepare the meal. So the noodles were in the strainer, the sauce in a bowl, and I just brought it all to the table. Each child was so excited to put the noodles and sauce on her plate and they all took second helpings. I never realized that having them scoop it out themselves made the difference in them ‘owning the meal’, and thus, eating the meal!

5) Once I realized that they liked to serve themselves, I also began to let the little chefs into the kitchen. Each child picked a Sunday, created the menu, went shopping for the food, and helped prepare it. Because a child was involved, there was more willingness by her sisters to try different foods. The chef was delighted to eat what she prepared, and typically had a menu choice that was kid-friendly. Our favorite was a sloppy joe recipe that combined some of the most unusual ingredients into a delicious tasting meal! The kids loved putting the odds and ends into the frying pan and were shocked at how it turned out so yummy. I’m including the recipe here for you to try. This comes from a District 102 cookbook, but the ingredients have been slightly modified. Thanks to Fran Horwitz for the recipe.

Sloppy Joes the Fun Way

1 ½ lbs. Ground beef or ground turkey
1 small bottle of ketchup
2 Tablespoons brown sugar
1 Tablespoon grape jelly
1 Tablespoon mustard
1 Tablespoon white vinegar
Onion powder, salt and pepper to taste

Brown beef or turkey in a frying pan and drain.

Add all other ingredients and simmer for 20-30 minutes.
Serve on buns.

6) Don’t force your children to eat just because it's dinnertime. Babies feel when their bodies are hungry, and signal their hunger with crying. As they get older, we put them on a schedule because it socially and logistically fits into our lifestyles. Having a family meal is more about spending time together as a family, talking, laughing, and sharing about each person’s day. Food happens to be a part of it. Kids who are given opportunities to taste different foods, but are given the ability to decide how much they want to eat actually develop healthier eating patterns than children who are given platefuls of food and made to consume what’s in front of them. Sometimes a child is truly not hungry at that moment. It is important to make sure they are not snacking from 2 p.m. until 6 p.m. without regard to their body hunger, because that is not listening to the hunger cue either. But a child who can get a snack when he feels hungry can also let you know when he is not hungry – and sometimes it coincides with dinnertime. Don’t make a big deal of it and most likely it will not become a behavioral or attention-getting issue.

7) Don’t make dessert the reward for finishing dinner. When you place such importance on dessert, you increase its inherent value to a child. Dessert is just a snack. Make sure you help your children attend to what kind of snack they feel like eating. Sometimes, that cool feeling of ice cream, rolling down the back of your throat, is the perfect thing. Other times, the crisp, crunchy bite into apple slices, juice dripping down to your chin, is what you desire. My favorite snack is cold, creamy vanilla yogurt, mixed with crunchy grape nuts and chewy raisins. Teach children to think about what they want to eat – this is the beginning of attuned eating - eating when you’re hungry, and eating what you’re hungry for. Sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s chewy, sometimes it’s hot, other times it’s cold.

Above all, make sure family dinners are a time to check in with each person. Make dinner last as long as you can, but not so long that the children are squirming and misbehaving, so that becomes your focus. Sometimes, ten quality minutes of sitting down, self-serving the food, and sharing a few thoughts together is all it takes to help your family feel more connected. Try it tonight!! Bon appetit!