There are four main reasons for misbehavior in children, as described in the STEP Manual (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Dinkmeyer & McKay). These are attention, power, revenge, and feelings of inadequacy. I will briefly describe each, and then share some key ideas in dealing with misbehavior in a very positive manner.
Attention – you’ve seen this many times. As soon as you get on the phone, those previously quiet kids become out of control and immediately and persistently need your attention. Parents spend so much of their time actually rewarding misbehavior for attention, that they actually teach kids to misbehave to get the attention! The more you talk, explain, and negotiate to quiet the attention-seeking misbehaving child, you are actually letting her know that making the wrong choices gets rewarded! At that moment, a child doesn’t think about whether the attention she is getting is negative or positive.
Power – you have it, they want it. From answering “no” to your every request, to avoiding their chores, homework, eating, and yes, even toilet training! Many moms and dads get sucked in to “one-upping” the child in power struggles. Many parents today were the ones raised by parents who felt kids had to respect their parents – or else. So they are taken aback when a child comments back or mouths off to an adult. The parent might typically answer back with a punishment that withholds some toy or activity for a period of time. When the child answers back again, the parent typically says, “fine, then make it 2 weeks!” Back and forth it goes, with the child eventually getting grounded for life for a small infraction, but a BIG mouth! The parent never (obviously) can follow through, so the child learns that back talking gives them the power to engage in a fight with an adult.
Revenge – someone takes his toy, he hits, screams, or kicks to retaliate. Verbal revenge typically sends parents through the roof – you send a child to timeout, and he screams “I hate you!” over and over while sitting in the corner. We find ourselves arguing back and forth with the child who is SUPPOSED to be taking a timeout! In addition, at very young ages, children’s physical responses are much quicker and get a much stronger response than their verbal ones do. The young child with emerging language skills who has a toy taken away by another child will get an adult to run to the rescue a lot faster when she hits or bites the offending child. By the time the child has figured out what to say, the offending child might be long gone! Likewise, when we raise our voices to deal with problems with our children’s behavior, they learn to yell when they are angry or frustrated. We sometimes model exactly the behaviors we want to extinguish in our children!
Inadequacy – hopefully you don’t see this often, as it represents the child who doesn’t feel good about himself, so his misbehavior just reinforces how “bad” he feels or how “bad” he believes he is. A child who hears many negatives (“don’t do that” or “stop it”), or who has developmental challenges, or grows up in an environment that is in turmoil, whether from family dysfunction or problems with society (work stressors, violence in neighborhoods are examples) sometimes cannot separate out the environmental or developmental factors from himself. This is the hardest type of misbehavior to address in counseling, first because the child might feel so hopeless at such a young age, it is heartbreaking, and second, because the child doesn’t have enough self esteem to believe he has a right to happiness or good things.
Positive Interventions That Are Easy to Carry Out
Your eyes are the key! Most of the time, when we are dealing with a misbehaving child, we give them our guidance, and then keep looking at her, almost as if we expect a response. Say what you need to say, and move on – with your eyes as well as your conversation! Look away, walk away, break the eye contact. This is an especially powerful tool with kids seeking power. Let’s say you just told your child he cannot have a cookie before dinner. Don’t wait for the next response, which most likely will be to object to your decision. Change the subject, and direct your eye contact elsewhere. For example, after telling the child he can't have the cookie, turn your attention to getting dinner ready and state, “Hey, I’d love your help with seting the table. Here are the plates.”
Don’t fall victim to the “Okay?” syndrome! Watch how many times, during the course of a day, you end your directives to your children with a questioning tone (voice raising at the end of the sentence) or with the word “Okay?” This gives a child the false belief that he has a choice in the matter! For example, you tell your child, “It’s time to put your shoes on, OK?” When she responds with “no,” you’re left with a dilemma. Either you insist she puts them on, because you really need to leave soon, displaying that choices aren’t really always choices, or you have to step back, wait a minute, then instruct again – without the questioning sound at the end.
Give appropriate choices, as often as you can, to empower children to make choices and to teach them that when you don’t give choices, there is no discussion. From the time they can understand and respond to your prompts, begin teaching simple decision-making. Asking if he would like apple juice or milk, does he want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt, or would he like the basketball or the tennis ball to play with all help to teach a child he has some control in his world – when the control is offered. Keep choices down to two or three for kids under the age of five. As kids get older, make sure to increase number of choices when you see they are able to handle the options. Be careful to allow for a small amount of time to decide, but don’t sit and agonize as your child makes you wait and wait! If you ask about the milk or juice, for example, if she doesn’t give you an answer, give one reminder (you need to let me know if you want apple juice or milk). If she doesn’t respond, say, “I’ll choose for you this time – and then go get your choice for her. Don’t discuss it; simply state, “Since you can’t decide, I’ll give you milk." And then get the milk. If you wait for a response, typically that will result in your giving the child eye contact (power) and the child will provide a response; “NOOOO, I want juice!!!” When she gets mad at your choice, simply say, “Next time, when I give you your choices, you need to make a decision so I don’t have to.” If she chooses not to drink the juice, that’s her choice! Don’t then engage in the next power struggle over that!
For the inadequate child especially, but for all others as well, make sure to notice the positives. Catch the child doing something great, and point it out. Encourage him to try something new, and let them see you make mistakes, identify them, and then shrug them off as if to say, “we all are not perfect.” Help your child feel good about him or herself by encouraging choices, providing attention under positive circumstances, and deescalating power struggles and negative attempts to get your attention.
Please share your comments on this blog, and how you can use these tips to positively deal with your child’s misbehavior. And remember, children’s misbehavior, and how we address it is, in a big way, how our children learn to make smart, healthy choices in life.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
“Mommy, I’m Bored!”
How often do you hear those famous words? What is our job, as a parent, when our children complain of boredom? We tend to want to tell them “when I was a kid” stories – how activities for them weren’t scheduled throughout the day, every day. How we had one car for our WHOLE family, and dad took it to work. How we didn’t lock the door to our house, and we could leave at 9 in the morning in the summer, stop home for lunch at noon, then stay out until 9 p.m. and the fireflies were dancing around the house with us. I remember riding my bike to our local park alone, about 8 blocks from my house, to play on the swings. Typically I would run into several friends, who also had found their way, all by themselves, to the one park in the area for us to play. On rainy days, I made the most amazing tents between my sister and my beds with various blankets in the house. Complete with a flashlight, pillows for comfort, books and dolls, we could nestle in the hot tent for hours, imagining together with my sisters. We had an agreement too. If I played doll families with them for an hour, they would come outside and play HORSE basketball with me. The tomboy of the family, I would shoot baskets, hit tennis balls into the garage door, or toss a baseball in the air to catch into my mitt for hours on end.
Another game I played as a child with my sisters, and I am sure we all “cheated”, was “FIND THE BALL”. We kids would close our eyes and make noises. My mom would toss a kickball-sized ball somewhere into the yard. We would then walk around the yard, eyes closed, searching for the hidden ball. My mom would yell directions (“Sheri, go left”, “Susan, tree in front of you”) until one of us would come upon the ball. Yes, we all peeked, but no one shouted “unfair”. We played and laughed, bumped into each other, and took turns as the “direction caller” from time to time.
Life WAS different then. We weren’t structured from morning until night, we didn’t need carpools or playdates or plans. And we knew how to create something from nothing. I remember the one time I said I was bored, and came into the house one too many times during one summer, my mom locked the screen door and told me to come back at lunchtime! How do we bring back the imaginations, the spontaneous enjoyment, and the healthy exercise for our children, and teach them to entertain themselves?
First of all, we do need to supervise our children differently than we had to back when we were kids. The parent who sends her child off into the neighborhood without knowing exactly where they are would be considered negligent. Too many reports of children gone missing or sexual predators living among us have taken away the security we all felt in the past. This is one of the main reasons that children are over-scheduled today. Talk to any grade school child, and they will recite from Monday through Friday what activities they have after school. The second reason kids are in activity after activity is that parents don’t want their child disadvantaged in their abilities in a sport or activity. To keep a competitive edge on the others for potential high school playing time or that coveted college scholarship, parents have their children “in training” at very young ages. However, this doesn’t mean children can’t play as we used to. And participating in structured activities, while developing a sense of teamwork, is not the only way to provide healthy physical, social and emotional developmental opportunities for your child. We need to give them the tools to use their imaginations while keeping them within our eye and earshot.
So your job is to let the creativity begin. While the internet and gaming systems offer lots of exciting visual graphics and sounds, help kids to work on social skills through interactive game playing, we need to encourage cooperative vs. competitive games and imaginative toys as well. Cooperative games are ones where there is no individual winner, where participation, teamwork, and interaction are emphasized. Examples include The Secret Door by Family Pastimes, building a tent, creating an obstacle course, and any arts and crafts projects. If you visit google.com and type in cooperative games, you will find a list of resources from various websites to learn how to unleash the imagination and bring on the games and fun!
Sometimes, our children do need our guidance in getting started. They are so used to someone dictating the agenda, and having scheduled chunks of time, that we need to help them fill the gap time with enjoyable, social fun. Some easy ideas are water balloon fights, sidewalk chalk, Chinese jump rope, bike riding (map out where you want to ride, use common land markers for the kids to spot, then go on your “treasure hunt”).
As a child, my favorite party memory is Halloween at Mary & Kay’s house. My friends used to have the best Halloween party. The highlight was the story. We would gather in their basement, and each person would be given a word, which requires a sound or action. Whenever that word was spoken during the story, the person with that word would have to provide the appropriate sound or action. I remember the ghost sailing past us all on the clothesline each year! Learning how to use down time for imaginative play, and enjoying the interactions between friends is what we need to remind ourselves to share with our children.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Making Family Vacations Memorable
During summer, many families take time off from their weekly routines to enjoy some time away. Whether it’s a trip to the Wisconsin Dells, camping under the stars, or sightseeing across our beautiful country, family vacation time is upon us. Having traveled to every state with my family during the past eight years, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on planning memorable vacations. Notice I didn’t say perfect – in fact, some of our best memories are when things went wrong. Having the right attitude and great planning are the keys to vacation fun!
1. Plan the vacation with YOUR children in mind. Think about the ages and developmental levels of your children when planning a vacation. While some four-year-olds can keep themselves busy in a car for long periods of time, most need frequent breaks, lots of activities, snacks, and patience! Plan trips from your children’s point of view. Kids don’t have an awareness of what they are “missing” on a trip, they only know what they are experiencing. As you think about running from sun-up to sun-down through the streets of Disneyworld, and you picture yourself yelling at the kids to stop crying and keep up, STOP! Take a break and rethink your plan! Getting to only 7 rides, but savoring and enjoying each one AND the sights in-between, will have a must more lasting, positive memory than hurriedly and crazily rushing through all 16, barely taking time to appreciate any one before you shuttle along to the next!
1. Plan the vacation with YOUR children in mind. Think about the ages and developmental levels of your children when planning a vacation. While some four-year-olds can keep themselves busy in a car for long periods of time, most need frequent breaks, lots of activities, snacks, and patience! Plan trips from your children’s point of view. Kids don’t have an awareness of what they are “missing” on a trip, they only know what they are experiencing. As you think about running from sun-up to sun-down through the streets of Disneyworld, and you picture yourself yelling at the kids to stop crying and keep up, STOP! Take a break and rethink your plan! Getting to only 7 rides, but savoring and enjoying each one AND the sights in-between, will have a must more lasting, positive memory than hurriedly and crazily rushing through all 16, barely taking time to appreciate any one before you shuttle along to the next!
2. Be creative in the car. There’s a great game on the market called “Are we there yet?” It’s a deck of cards with things to look for on a road trip. Both the front and back of the cards have things like: a car with a flat tire, two birds flying together, a broken fence, or a tractor. Each time your child spots one of the objects, they earn a new card. Instead of playing child against child, have them be a team – during the next 30 minutes, if they are able to find 10 items on the cards between them, they win! To save money, you can make up your own deck of cards. Prizes can be little token things you pick up before starting your trip, a small souvenir from your next destination, or something special that you can do together as a family when you get to your next hotel. Be creative in planning those long rides, and anticipate the time for frequent breaks as part of your travel plans.
3. For the plane ride, pack a bag of tricks. It’s essential to pack small snacks, as you never know if you will be stuck on a runway or circling a city longer than planned. Suckers are great during take-offs and landings as the swallowing process helps keep little ears from popping. If your child has a real problem with his ears, someone once told me that if you heat some wet paper towels (use the bathroom sink if it has hot water or ask the flight attendant to heat them in a microwave on board) and put the paper towels in the bottoms of small cups, then place the cups over the child’s ears. The ears will not feel the pressure of landing. A Portable DVD player is a great entertainment tool on an airplane. Make sure you charge the battery. You can also go online to www.seatguru.com to see if your airline's plane has an outlet near your seat. Check with the site to make sure you have the right adapter as well!
4. Be creative in your preparations for the kids! Once I decided to make a felt board for my kids when they were very young and we had a long journey planned. I wanted to give them something unique to play with, but didn’t have a lot of money to buy the professionally made ones. While it was a lot of work, it was a godsend! I bought felt from the local art supply store. If you can find the kind with one side that has sticky-tape on it, it works best. Otherwise, you need to have white glue as well. Each child had different colored felt backing, based on her favorite color at the time. I also purchased several rolls of clear shelf liner. I put the felt on two pieces of cardboard, and then taped the boards together so it could fold in half for storage. I then cut out their favorite Disney characters from magazines, wrapping paper, ANYTHING that I could get my hands on. I laid out all the pieces onto the shelf liner to “laminate” them. I attached felt on the back of the design, and stored everything in baggies. You can also substitute magnetic backing and a magnet board in place of the felt. It was labor-intensive, but they played for hours! Having their own colored backing helped in sorting when they shared their characters too.
5. Plan ahead, but be flexible. Some travelers are planners, like myself, and have every detail of the trip covered. I have the most organized packing lists and travel itineraries. Yet something is always forgotten, or the best plans go haywire. Teach your children flexibility, keep your sense of humor, and roll with the punches to fill each trip with positive memories. Some of our crazier moments include driving over a shop vac in the highway at 75 m.p.h., weather related flight cancellations, and having a child step in a fire ant hill on the side of the road while taking a picture of the “Welcome to Louisiana” sign. How we handled those moments kept us laughing together and defined us as a family. When you go into a trip knowing it won’t be perfect, there will be tired kids (and grown-ups), and weather or travel arrangements don’t always go according to “the plan”, you are prepared for whatever comes your way.
I will end with one of my favorite stories from a trip to Mt. Rushmore.
As we were making the long drive west, we had a scheduled stop at the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota. Across the street was a doll museum (not on our itinerary). We decided to check out the doll museum, and in it, my husband spotted his long lost Jolly Green Giant stuffed toy. He described his love for this toy, and how it went missing many years earlier on one of his family vacations. The girls were both amazed and humored at hearing this grown man’s story about a lost stuffed toy. On the return trip, we had another scheduled overnight stop in Blue Earth, Minnesota. When we pulled into our hotel parking lot, my husband quietly pointed out to me, through the glass of the swimming pool enclosure, a GIANT, 20-foot statue of the jolly green giant. I secretly showed the kids, through the windows, that the Green Giant was waiting for us! The kids and I blindfolded my husband, who at this point was playing dumb, and I drove him to the statue. The kids ripped off the blindfold, and my husband shrieked with delight while the kids giggled with laughter and excitement. That unplanned surprise was one of our best moments as a family.
Have fun making your own positive vacation memories!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Setting Limits and Following Through - or - Don't Be a Slot Machine!
Setting limits and following through can sometimes make you feel like you are a slot machine in Vegas. With enough pressure and persistence, you ‘pay off’ by giving in. Let me give you a few tips on when to say no, and how to help your child know you mean it.
I am going to start by helping you know when to let your child make choices and when to stand your ground. Picture 3 boxes in front of you. Box 1 items are the things that you don’t negotiate on. They are important values, rules, and parent guides that are reliably consistent. Box 1 items are things like, “you never get into a car with a stranger”, “you wear a helmet when riding a bike”, or “you sit in the back of the car with a seatbelt on”. Parents need to be very consistent with these, and kids learn quickly not to ask about changing these rules.
Box 3 items are things that your child chooses. Box 3 examples are: “apple juice or water”, “take a shower or bath”, and even picking out clothes for school (although as they get older, the school sets some ground rules for kids who like to test this box’ limit!) It’s important to let a child feel she can make choices. And don't worry - people will recognize the child who goes to school wearing plaid and polka-dots dressed herself. That child's self esteem soars when people comment, "Did you pick out that outfit today? It's rockin!" And the child learns to either modify his choices or stand up for his individuality when his peers ask, "Why are you wearing that sweater with those pants?" When kids are younger, limit the choices, as I did above with the apple juice or water example, so they don't get overwhelmed and then are unable to choose. This is also the place where kids can make a choice, and if it doesn’t go well, they learn from their mistakes. A good example of this is if you give a child $5 to buy something, but he chooses to spend it on something you think is a waste of money. Once you have established that he has $5 to spend, don’t control how it gets spent, unless that was the arrangement before you gave him the money. If you said, “When he goes to a store, and you tell him that he can use this money for a snack, but not for toys,” and he comes home with a glow-in-the-dark yoyo, you need to take the toy and donate it, throw it away, or keep it for your child until the time you determine he can have that gift. Don’t let him keep the toy. But if you don’t attach any rules to the money, you can give advice, but it is important to let the child make his own choice. If he spends it on a toy that breaks or doesn’t get used, that is the child’s lesson to learn! Let them make choices!
That leaves Box 2. These are the things that are negotiable. However, negotiable doesn’t mean, “argue until the parent gives in”. It means that both parties can express their reasoning, and then a decision is made, usually by the parent.
An example of this is bedtime. Parents usually discuss actual bed times when a child is around four years old and she begins to understand time. That bedtime is fixed (Box 1) for a while. At some point, the child wants a later bedtime, and the issue moves to Box 2. The child explains her reasoning (“I’m older than my brother, I should be able to stay up later” or “I am not sleepy when I get into bed and don’t fall asleep for awhile.”) You might reason that she doesn’t get up in a happy mood, is hard to wake up, or gets out of bed ten times before going to sleep. You can then negotiate that you will allow a bedtime 15 minutes later, provided that: she stay in bed once she is tucked in and that she wakes up reasonably in the morning. The logical consequence of not managing these is the bedtime goes back to the original time for two days, and then the child can try the later time again. Giving them a chance in a reasonable amount of time to show they learned the rule is important for all children! But here is the key point - once you come to an agreement, you need to follow through! Make sure the child gets the later bedtime. And make sure that if she gets out of bed or doesn’t wake up when asked on the first violation, you revert to the old bedtime for two days! Do not “give another chance! Once you do that, it’s like feeding the slot machine! They put the quarter (“please give me another chance”) in the slot machine (you) and if the machine pays out (“ok, I’ll give you another chance”), the child learns to play the machine (push the limit once a limit is set!)
The most important point of this discussion is that once you are consistent with your responses, children learn to respect your limits. Allow for choices, stand firm on non-negotiable items, and establish a limit and follow through on the privilege or consequence consistently. I will write more on this important topic in future weeks, but in the meantime, if you have any questions about limits, need to know what Box an item goes into, or what to do if your child doesn’t respect the rule, please post them here and I can answer to the whole group. Remember that if you are questioning it, so are many others! There are no silly questions! Parents who ask for guidance when they need it are making the smart choice! Have a great week!
I am going to start by helping you know when to let your child make choices and when to stand your ground. Picture 3 boxes in front of you. Box 1 items are the things that you don’t negotiate on. They are important values, rules, and parent guides that are reliably consistent. Box 1 items are things like, “you never get into a car with a stranger”, “you wear a helmet when riding a bike”, or “you sit in the back of the car with a seatbelt on”. Parents need to be very consistent with these, and kids learn quickly not to ask about changing these rules.
Box 3 items are things that your child chooses. Box 3 examples are: “apple juice or water”, “take a shower or bath”, and even picking out clothes for school (although as they get older, the school sets some ground rules for kids who like to test this box’ limit!) It’s important to let a child feel she can make choices. And don't worry - people will recognize the child who goes to school wearing plaid and polka-dots dressed herself. That child's self esteem soars when people comment, "Did you pick out that outfit today? It's rockin!" And the child learns to either modify his choices or stand up for his individuality when his peers ask, "Why are you wearing that sweater with those pants?" When kids are younger, limit the choices, as I did above with the apple juice or water example, so they don't get overwhelmed and then are unable to choose. This is also the place where kids can make a choice, and if it doesn’t go well, they learn from their mistakes. A good example of this is if you give a child $5 to buy something, but he chooses to spend it on something you think is a waste of money. Once you have established that he has $5 to spend, don’t control how it gets spent, unless that was the arrangement before you gave him the money. If you said, “When he goes to a store, and you tell him that he can use this money for a snack, but not for toys,” and he comes home with a glow-in-the-dark yoyo, you need to take the toy and donate it, throw it away, or keep it for your child until the time you determine he can have that gift. Don’t let him keep the toy. But if you don’t attach any rules to the money, you can give advice, but it is important to let the child make his own choice. If he spends it on a toy that breaks or doesn’t get used, that is the child’s lesson to learn! Let them make choices!
That leaves Box 2. These are the things that are negotiable. However, negotiable doesn’t mean, “argue until the parent gives in”. It means that both parties can express their reasoning, and then a decision is made, usually by the parent.
An example of this is bedtime. Parents usually discuss actual bed times when a child is around four years old and she begins to understand time. That bedtime is fixed (Box 1) for a while. At some point, the child wants a later bedtime, and the issue moves to Box 2. The child explains her reasoning (“I’m older than my brother, I should be able to stay up later” or “I am not sleepy when I get into bed and don’t fall asleep for awhile.”) You might reason that she doesn’t get up in a happy mood, is hard to wake up, or gets out of bed ten times before going to sleep. You can then negotiate that you will allow a bedtime 15 minutes later, provided that: she stay in bed once she is tucked in and that she wakes up reasonably in the morning. The logical consequence of not managing these is the bedtime goes back to the original time for two days, and then the child can try the later time again. Giving them a chance in a reasonable amount of time to show they learned the rule is important for all children! But here is the key point - once you come to an agreement, you need to follow through! Make sure the child gets the later bedtime. And make sure that if she gets out of bed or doesn’t wake up when asked on the first violation, you revert to the old bedtime for two days! Do not “give another chance! Once you do that, it’s like feeding the slot machine! They put the quarter (“please give me another chance”) in the slot machine (you) and if the machine pays out (“ok, I’ll give you another chance”), the child learns to play the machine (push the limit once a limit is set!)
The most important point of this discussion is that once you are consistent with your responses, children learn to respect your limits. Allow for choices, stand firm on non-negotiable items, and establish a limit and follow through on the privilege or consequence consistently. I will write more on this important topic in future weeks, but in the meantime, if you have any questions about limits, need to know what Box an item goes into, or what to do if your child doesn’t respect the rule, please post them here and I can answer to the whole group. Remember that if you are questioning it, so are many others! There are no silly questions! Parents who ask for guidance when they need it are making the smart choice! Have a great week!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Finding ME in Summer!!
Find Time for Yourself This Summer
As I sit at my computer right now, I am thinking of the 10 projects that I have started, but have yet to finish. Many times, as a parent, I find myself juggling so many different things, and the ball that gets dropped usually has my name on it! So, I am going to use this blog to jot down the things that I am promising to accomplish this summer. I encourage each of you reading this to do the same. If you will hold yourself more accountable by sharing it on this blog, feel free. In a few weeks, I’ll be checking my list to see how I’m coming along. You know how they say there's no "I" in TEAM? Well, there is ME in SUMMER! We are better parents when we feel good as individuals!
1. Rid my house of things that we NEVER look at or use, one room at a time. I have started this – today I purchased 50 large green garbage bags. Starting with my closet, dresser, and drawers, I have filled 2 garbage bags. I am enjoying reminiscing through old photos (I saved those), and loving the clean, rearranged drawers. We tend to get used to the clutter over the years. Many people can't seem to part with their possessions, even if they haven't used them for a long time! When going through your children's artwork and school projects, have them select 5 items or so per year to save. Pick the ones that have the most meaning, or define your child from that age. Put all the items in a large bin and store it away to look at or gift to them in the future.
2. Play! For me this summer, it's golf. On my first week, I will say the first five holes were not reminiscent of the golfer I used to be! But during the last four holes, I got two bogeys and redeemed myself. It felt great to be outdoors, chatting with the ladies, and moving! Afterwards, we shared lunch together, and it was such at treat! Great women, good food, wonderful conversation. For some of you, your play activity might be tennis, softball, bowling, mah jongg, or an art or photography class. Whatever your personal hobby, make time each week to enjoy it!
3. Exercise! We need to take care of our bodies, and tired parents sometimes forget about this. I have! But this past week, I logged about 6 miles in three separate outings. My walking buddy and I did not use the lousy weather as an excuse to sit at home – one day, I used the treadmill, on the other, we walked the mall! Talking with a friend and getting some well needed exercise feels amazing! Do you have one of those health club membership cards that hasn't seen the outside of your wallet in a while? Well, there's no time like today to use it!
4- Talk to your partner! Most of the time, parents are in tag-team mode. One parent is running in one direction, while the other is flying off in another, usually with one or two kids in tow. Try to find at least 5 minutes each day to talk face-to-face to your spouse or partner with no interruptions. This means no TV, folding laundry, answering the phone or dealing with the kids…truly just time for each other to attend to one another. You’ll be surprised how 5 minutes a day leads to feeling more connected and in sync with each other. Remember, couples' time is NOT just reserved for Saturday date night!
As you think about making your own list, be creative. Imagine yourself reconnecting with an old friend, going to a movie by yourself, getting a massage, or spending the day in your pajamas “just because”. The goals don’t have to be monumental to have an impact on your life. Just find ways to focus on yourself and feel good about it. I’ll still go to work, get the groceries, pay the bills, make sure the kids are cared for, and wash the dishes. But I am also going to make sure that the ME in SUMMER gets some attention!
As I sit at my computer right now, I am thinking of the 10 projects that I have started, but have yet to finish. Many times, as a parent, I find myself juggling so many different things, and the ball that gets dropped usually has my name on it! So, I am going to use this blog to jot down the things that I am promising to accomplish this summer. I encourage each of you reading this to do the same. If you will hold yourself more accountable by sharing it on this blog, feel free. In a few weeks, I’ll be checking my list to see how I’m coming along. You know how they say there's no "I" in TEAM? Well, there is ME in SUMMER! We are better parents when we feel good as individuals!
1. Rid my house of things that we NEVER look at or use, one room at a time. I have started this – today I purchased 50 large green garbage bags. Starting with my closet, dresser, and drawers, I have filled 2 garbage bags. I am enjoying reminiscing through old photos (I saved those), and loving the clean, rearranged drawers. We tend to get used to the clutter over the years. Many people can't seem to part with their possessions, even if they haven't used them for a long time! When going through your children's artwork and school projects, have them select 5 items or so per year to save. Pick the ones that have the most meaning, or define your child from that age. Put all the items in a large bin and store it away to look at or gift to them in the future.
2. Play! For me this summer, it's golf. On my first week, I will say the first five holes were not reminiscent of the golfer I used to be! But during the last four holes, I got two bogeys and redeemed myself. It felt great to be outdoors, chatting with the ladies, and moving! Afterwards, we shared lunch together, and it was such at treat! Great women, good food, wonderful conversation. For some of you, your play activity might be tennis, softball, bowling, mah jongg, or an art or photography class. Whatever your personal hobby, make time each week to enjoy it!
3. Exercise! We need to take care of our bodies, and tired parents sometimes forget about this. I have! But this past week, I logged about 6 miles in three separate outings. My walking buddy and I did not use the lousy weather as an excuse to sit at home – one day, I used the treadmill, on the other, we walked the mall! Talking with a friend and getting some well needed exercise feels amazing! Do you have one of those health club membership cards that hasn't seen the outside of your wallet in a while? Well, there's no time like today to use it!
4- Talk to your partner! Most of the time, parents are in tag-team mode. One parent is running in one direction, while the other is flying off in another, usually with one or two kids in tow. Try to find at least 5 minutes each day to talk face-to-face to your spouse or partner with no interruptions. This means no TV, folding laundry, answering the phone or dealing with the kids…truly just time for each other to attend to one another. You’ll be surprised how 5 minutes a day leads to feeling more connected and in sync with each other. Remember, couples' time is NOT just reserved for Saturday date night!
As you think about making your own list, be creative. Imagine yourself reconnecting with an old friend, going to a movie by yourself, getting a massage, or spending the day in your pajamas “just because”. The goals don’t have to be monumental to have an impact on your life. Just find ways to focus on yourself and feel good about it. I’ll still go to work, get the groceries, pay the bills, make sure the kids are cared for, and wash the dishes. But I am also going to make sure that the ME in SUMMER gets some attention!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Summer's Here! Time for Parenting Reflection!
Summer’s Here!!
With the end of school comes the relief of summer; schedules are less hectic as activities come to an end. It’s refreshing to look at your planner and not find yourself and your children scheduled from morning ‘til night! During summer’s relaxed mode, it’s a great time to reflect on your role as a parent, and see what you can do to enhance your life.
Family meals – So often, with soccer practice, dance rehearsals, and Girl Scout meetings, parents find less and less time to have traditional family mealtime. This summer, make a point of increasing your time together at the dinner table. Remember to leave all cell phones behind! Try including one child a week in a meal preparation. Have him choose the family meal (make sure there’s at least one thing served that everyone enjoys) – he can help shop, prepare, and serve with you. This special time together will be remembered for a long time!
Another great activity is to play the “Best and Worst Game” at dinner. Each person shares the best and worst events from his or her day. Any event counts – “bests” can be like being able to sleep late or moving up a level in swim class. “Worsts” can include having to let an employee go or your child getting separated from her camp group between swimming and lunch. If your children are under age 5, that’s the whole game. As kids get older, from ages 6-9, include the why question – “Why were those the best and worst?” And for kids over 10, have them explain how it made them feel. So for me, waking up late was my best because when I sleep in, I feel SO rested, and it makes me very happy!
The lemonade stand – This is especially great for the younger children; they LOVE lemonade stands! Make sure you are with them the whole time for their safety. Have them prepare the lemonade, get cups, and make signs. Tell them that they can keep half of what they earn and use it for something they want for themselves. Have them make a donation with the other half: to the local food pantry, a shelter, etc. While the amount of their donation may seem very small, the lesson of giving is what is most important. And knowing THEY worked to make money for both themselves and for someone less fortunate definitely sends self esteem soaring!
Garage sale – This is a hot ticket for the older children. Have the children go through their things and sort out what they have grown out of – toys, books, stuffed animals, and clothing. Make sure you agree with their sorting, and that you don’t have younger siblings, friends or cousins to pass things down to! Sort through your own things as well, as this is another activity that should be highly supervised. Find out the local ordinances in your area about advertising for garage sales with signs, and have the kids make signs and post them in approved places. You can also advertise on Craigslist or your local paper. Tell the kids that from the money their items bring in, they can use half to purchase something for themselves or their family, and they can donate the other half to a charity of their choice, through the purchase of items for the organization or a monetary donation. Teach them that giving is an important family value.
I’ll close with something that our family did together for quite a few summers. It was our family goal to go to all 50 states. From 2000-2008, we toured the country, mostly by car, and saw this wonderful, beautiful land we live in. While laughter and fun was almost always present, it is the unscripted, zany moments that we all remember most – like the time our hot air balloon, after sailing over the beautiful Rocky Mountains, landed in a field covered with… well, bull droppings. Or how we rolled over something while driving 80 mph on the highway in Texas, and in the 100 degree temperature, stood along the side of the road, watching my husband bat the offending item out from under our car with my daughter’s crutch. What had we run over? A shop vac. We’ll never figure that one out! I can still visualize the kids’ quizzical looks as I snapped a picture of the policeman holding the offending vacuum. I wanted to document the event in case the car rental agency doubted our story. So make sure you spend your summer laughing at the crazy, unpredictable moments as well as the planned, fun ones! And enjoy your time together; they grow up SO fast!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Parent Tips for Children's Internet and Cell Phone Safety
One of the most talked about issues both in and out of my counseling practice has to do with technology and our children. Parents, wanting to make sure that their children are "up to speed" with the latest and greatest technology, are providing access to cell phones and the internet at alarmingly young ages. Children as young as six feel it is their "right" to these privileges! Parents ask all the time how to supervise the internet, how to enforce basic rules around cell phone use, and whether or not they are doing their child a DISSERVICE when they DO NOT succomb to adult and child peer pressure and either restrict or monitor their children and technology. I have seen children as young as 7 with facebook accounts - and many of their parents have no idea that they have set them up!
With that in mind, I have developed Parent Tips for Internet and Cell Phone Safety for Children. It's important to note that every family needs to establish their own guidelines and rules, and each child's behavioral, emotional, and social maturity needs to be considered when setting up the rules.
PARENT TIPS FOR INTERNET AND CELL PHONE SAFETY FOR CHILDREN
Having access to the Internet and using a cell phone is a privilege. Parents need to provide proper guidance and supervision to promote safety. What is sent to one person or uploaded on the Internet enters a PUBLIC arena. Children need to understand the lack of privacy that is potentially at risk when children misuse the technology.
How public is it? The following are examples of how easily information is passed to an entire network: a picture sent through cell phones to everyone on their contact list, an email sent out to a buddy list, an IM conversation copied and pasted into email and sent out to an address book list.
It is a parent’s obligation to help children understand the safe use and risks of this technology through discussion, supervision, setting appropriate limits, awarding privileges for appropriate technology use, and providing consequences for inappropriate technology use. Don’t look for ways to punish your child; use supervision and monitoring as means for communication about what’s appropriate and what’s not, and reinforce appropriate use and parental access with privileges.
Trust and supervision go hand in hand. A child will make you feel guilty about supervision – telling you if you are monitoring their behaviors, you must not trust them. Teach them that trust is earned when repeated checks result in observation of appropriate behavior, and trust is maintained when less frequent checks continue to result in observation of appropriate behavior. Likewise, observing inappropriate behavior results in decreased trust, increased supervision, and will result in limits to privileges.
It is crucial to establish rules around cell phone use. For example, set times for phone to be turned off for the night, make sure the phone is turned off at bedtime, and, if necessary, your child might need to give the phone over to you before sleep. In addition, limit cell phone use during homework, mealtimes, and family time. Phones can be placed on the counter, for example, before meals. Children should not even CHECK the nature of a text message during family time. Teach them that it can wait until later. If an adult needs to be accessible by phone for urgent work issues, he can check his texts or calls during family time, but work to model the message that family time is the priority!
It is important also to set limits around texting. Texting to opposite sex under age of 16 needs to be limited and monitored. A guide to this can be that once 1-2 texts each (back and forth) is established, child needs to call to have a voice conversation with the person of the opposite sex. Many children inappropriately send text messages or sexual pictures (sexting) because the impact of what they are doing doesn't feel real. Look in the local papers and you will read about situations where a child under the age of 17 sent a sexual text to a person over 17 and the older person was arrested and charged with child pornography. Many parents are setting a minimum age for co-ed texting, or at least monitoring the language and content of what is texted, especially when children are under the age of 17.
Because of technology, parents need to continue to speak with parents regarding plans and to insure parties are supervised. Children are relying LESS on parents to make plans, and detour around parental authority for arrangements. Children are making plans via cell phone, and they believe parents don’t need to contact each other. Children actually feel it will embarrass them!
In addition, parents are no longer picking children up by going to door (they are calling child’s cell phone). Parent to parent contact is CRUCIAL in helping you feel you are not alone in parenting!
Internet use must be monitored as well. Under age 14, children’s passwords should be known to parents. Over age 14, parents need assess if they need to know passwords, which depends on the maturity and behavior of the child. This might change as your teen moves through high school, and the privilege of a private password CAN be revoked if the child's behavior warrants. Parents have the right to access their children’s email and internet sites to monitor activity. If access is denied by child, the child loses internet privileges. If inappropriate use is noted, the child loses internet privileges. Making good choices results in continued, appropriate use!
It is most important that children know you CAN check these sites – children who know their parents CAN monitor their use are more likely to make responsible choices. Check periodically, and increase monitoring if at risk behavior is noted.
Specifically, facebook is intended for High School age children and older. It is not appropriate for a child under age 14 (junior high or younger) to access facebook, although many children are accessing this site. If you feel the need to indulge your child with this at such a young age, it is imperative that you supervise the use often! In addition, parents shouldn’t need to “friend” their child – you have access to monitor, and they need to self-monitor. However, if you choose to have children as friends, set a good example and do not expose those children to adult content. When your child does have a facebook account (high school), browse through child’s site WITH your child periodically. This is not the time for you to grab the details of their lives. Instead, use it to open discussion about what's appropriate and how what is being put out into the virtual world can have a longlasting impact on their lives.
Remember, these are guidelines, not firm rules. In your individual homes, examine how you negotiate the privileges that come with technology and how you supervise those privileges. Make sure you consider the individual child when setting your own guidelines. Please share your thoughts, concerns, and successes here as well!
With that in mind, I have developed Parent Tips for Internet and Cell Phone Safety for Children. It's important to note that every family needs to establish their own guidelines and rules, and each child's behavioral, emotional, and social maturity needs to be considered when setting up the rules.
PARENT TIPS FOR INTERNET AND CELL PHONE SAFETY FOR CHILDREN
Having access to the Internet and using a cell phone is a privilege. Parents need to provide proper guidance and supervision to promote safety. What is sent to one person or uploaded on the Internet enters a PUBLIC arena. Children need to understand the lack of privacy that is potentially at risk when children misuse the technology.
How public is it? The following are examples of how easily information is passed to an entire network: a picture sent through cell phones to everyone on their contact list, an email sent out to a buddy list, an IM conversation copied and pasted into email and sent out to an address book list.
It is a parent’s obligation to help children understand the safe use and risks of this technology through discussion, supervision, setting appropriate limits, awarding privileges for appropriate technology use, and providing consequences for inappropriate technology use. Don’t look for ways to punish your child; use supervision and monitoring as means for communication about what’s appropriate and what’s not, and reinforce appropriate use and parental access with privileges.
Trust and supervision go hand in hand. A child will make you feel guilty about supervision – telling you if you are monitoring their behaviors, you must not trust them. Teach them that trust is earned when repeated checks result in observation of appropriate behavior, and trust is maintained when less frequent checks continue to result in observation of appropriate behavior. Likewise, observing inappropriate behavior results in decreased trust, increased supervision, and will result in limits to privileges.
It is crucial to establish rules around cell phone use. For example, set times for phone to be turned off for the night, make sure the phone is turned off at bedtime, and, if necessary, your child might need to give the phone over to you before sleep. In addition, limit cell phone use during homework, mealtimes, and family time. Phones can be placed on the counter, for example, before meals. Children should not even CHECK the nature of a text message during family time. Teach them that it can wait until later. If an adult needs to be accessible by phone for urgent work issues, he can check his texts or calls during family time, but work to model the message that family time is the priority!
It is important also to set limits around texting. Texting to opposite sex under age of 16 needs to be limited and monitored. A guide to this can be that once 1-2 texts each (back and forth) is established, child needs to call to have a voice conversation with the person of the opposite sex. Many children inappropriately send text messages or sexual pictures (sexting) because the impact of what they are doing doesn't feel real. Look in the local papers and you will read about situations where a child under the age of 17 sent a sexual text to a person over 17 and the older person was arrested and charged with child pornography. Many parents are setting a minimum age for co-ed texting, or at least monitoring the language and content of what is texted, especially when children are under the age of 17.
Because of technology, parents need to continue to speak with parents regarding plans and to insure parties are supervised. Children are relying LESS on parents to make plans, and detour around parental authority for arrangements. Children are making plans via cell phone, and they believe parents don’t need to contact each other. Children actually feel it will embarrass them!
In addition, parents are no longer picking children up by going to door (they are calling child’s cell phone). Parent to parent contact is CRUCIAL in helping you feel you are not alone in parenting!
Internet use must be monitored as well. Under age 14, children’s passwords should be known to parents. Over age 14, parents need assess if they need to know passwords, which depends on the maturity and behavior of the child. This might change as your teen moves through high school, and the privilege of a private password CAN be revoked if the child's behavior warrants. Parents have the right to access their children’s email and internet sites to monitor activity. If access is denied by child, the child loses internet privileges. If inappropriate use is noted, the child loses internet privileges. Making good choices results in continued, appropriate use!
It is most important that children know you CAN check these sites – children who know their parents CAN monitor their use are more likely to make responsible choices. Check periodically, and increase monitoring if at risk behavior is noted.
Specifically, facebook is intended for High School age children and older. It is not appropriate for a child under age 14 (junior high or younger) to access facebook, although many children are accessing this site. If you feel the need to indulge your child with this at such a young age, it is imperative that you supervise the use often! In addition, parents shouldn’t need to “friend” their child – you have access to monitor, and they need to self-monitor. However, if you choose to have children as friends, set a good example and do not expose those children to adult content. When your child does have a facebook account (high school), browse through child’s site WITH your child periodically. This is not the time for you to grab the details of their lives. Instead, use it to open discussion about what's appropriate and how what is being put out into the virtual world can have a longlasting impact on their lives.
Remember, these are guidelines, not firm rules. In your individual homes, examine how you negotiate the privileges that come with technology and how you supervise those privileges. Make sure you consider the individual child when setting your own guidelines. Please share your thoughts, concerns, and successes here as well!
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